Home for da Holidaze...

Tomorrow, I'm going home to Albany, Georgia for the Holidaze. This also denotes the time of the year at which I tip-toe back into the closet...or is it the "down low!?" But I must explain, this is to no fault of my own. It is actually at my Mother's request. I feel open enough to share my world with those that inquire. And my family usually will..."You're so handsome. Look at how you've grown up. Are you dating anybody? When you gon' get married? Gotta girlfriend?" But after I told Moms the "tea" in July 2002, she demanded that I keep this between her/stepfather and my dad/stepmother. I was not to tell anyone else. I'm sure she's still going through denial and hoping that this is a phase. But I try to continually remind her with small anecdotes about my so-called black gay life. (Maybe I should send her the link to this blog!?) Out of respect, I remain asexual and ambiguous while I am at home.

In addition, I have an effeminate 10 year old male cousin who I see everytime I'm at home. It is heartwrenching to watch "corrective" demands spewed upon him by adult family members in hopes that he will butch up. Don't sit like that! Go play with the boys. Stop crying so much! In the past two years, I have gotten into heated discussions with Aunts and even my Mother in defense of Alex. I find myself caught in the middle because I can't say what I want to say due to my Mother's shame and I don't know if I even should go so far. In a sense, I do believe that Alex needs to know the way of the world, specifically rural South Georgia. Our culture is homophobic, racist, heterosexist, et al. However, a part of coming into one's self is struggling and overcoming all of that. My only point with my family is that after it's all said and done, home should be a place of refuge filled with love, respect, and adoration after fighting with society's ills. One shouldn't have to go out into the world and fight demons and then come home and put up another Hellish fight with family. I want the family to accept and support Alex where he is now and for the person that he will grow up to be.

Nevertheless, I have invited my 18 year old brother and 16 year old sister to come back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I never get to spend much time with them anymore. They grew up so fast. And sometimes it's hard to accept how much they admire me. They're so excited at the idea of visiting through New Year's. I'll get to watch my brother raid my closet and drape himself in old A/X, FCUK, A&F, and vintage pieces while looking like the last Metrosexual. My sister will just hang on to every word that comes out of my mouth, while being an observing and absorbing shadow.

Happy Holidaze!!!

I'm a Visual Mathemetician...

TSB sent me an Emode link to test my IQ. Usually, I abhor such "tests" and "quizzes" but I decided to take this one. Plus, in the art and essence of competition (the link was sent to the other members of The Fab Ones--my three best friends) I eagerly submitted my answers to the website.

I scored a 124...but I don't know what that really means without paying $14.95 to get the personalized 15-page IQ report. Ugghh!! All the website told me was:

"This means you are gifted at spotting patterns -- both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction -- especially in the workplace."--Emode

Whatever...

Looking For Mr. Goodbar--Judith Rossner

Here's an update to my quest for companionship...(that sounds so pitiful)

Men4Now
I'm thinking about retiring my Men4Now profile. Every other person on there complains about people using fake pictures on their profiles. That's so interesting to me. What are people's intentions when they finally meet someone and the truth is revealed!? I've met two people from this website. I was not deceived by any of their images online, luckily. I had lunch with one and I stopped by the other one's house on my way home from work one night. They were...okay. It's a totally different dynamic when you leave cyberland and enter the real world. It just wasn't as passionate once we were in one another's company. So both fizzled...

Gay.com
I met two White guys! That was a first for me. A coworker of mine (black female) told me that she sees me with a white boy. I was haunted by that statement for two days. What did she mean by that? I asked her and she replied, "I don't know. I just see you dating white guys." As a person who likes challenges, I went for it on Gay.com. Total busts! I felt like I betrayed Harriet, Sojourner, DuBois, Sista Souljah, and all of the African diaspora! I conversed as pleasantly as possible and promised to call them both later. I have too many issues right now for me to take it there.

Baby Boy
Baby Boy and I talk daily. We've had several "sleepovers" (I ask my Mama if he can spend the night...lol) and I've found myself becoming attached. I am very cautious though. I have to remind myself that he's basically still a kid. A "house kid" at that. I discovered through conversation that he is an active participant in Atlanta's gay ballroom scene. And I don't usually involve myself with gang bangers. I don't want to be too judgemental, so only time will tell.

Jamaica
Jamaica called me the following night after we met.

Jamaica: I'm sorry about last night.
me: (playing dumb) What for?
Jamaica: I don't know, but you seemed upset when you left.
me: Don't worry about it. It was my fault. I was so tired last night.

We have been playing phone tag since that conversation.

And the saga continues...

It's getting late...Why you gotta be here?--Floetry

12:49am Cell phone rings...

me: Hello?
Unknown caller: Wassup?
me: Nothing...what's goin on?
Unknown caller: Nothing
me: (clearing my throat) I'm sorry...who is this?
Unknown caller: Jamaica...we met at Colours.
me: Okay...(silence)...when?
Jamaica: You wrote your number on a napkin. Home and cell...
me: What do you look like?
Jamaica: Light skin Jamaican from Jersey...buck sixty...six feet tall...
me: Hmmm...I don't remember meeting anyone...When was this?
Jamaica: It's been a minute...my moms passed...i went back to Jersey.
me: Okay...I don't remember...so wassup?
Jamaica: What time you work tomorrow?
me: Going in around noon. why?
Jamaica: I thought we could get together. Get some tea.
me: (thinking to myself: "Just like a damn Jamaican wanting some damn tea at this time of night") At one in the morning?
Jamaica: I mean we can meet up and figure it out.
me: I don't even remember you.
Jamaica: You will when you see me...promise
me: (smiling and laughing like a naive lil' girl) Whatever, yo.
Jamaica: I live in Lil' 5 Points

Jamaica's house phone rings in the background. I am put on hold for approximately 6 minutes as he answers. Why I hold? I don't know. Something is intriguing me.

Jamaica: Sorry. My best friend is going through something. You rolling through?
me: I don't know. Directions? Lemme take a shower. I'll call you back.

TSB: Hello?
me: Hey!
TSB: I called you earlier...
me: (interrupts) Why this guy called me saying I gave him my number at Colours and I have no recollection of any said guy?
TSB: You are so tired...
me: I need to stop drinking so much. Well, he asked me to stop by...
TSB: But you don't remember him...
me: Well, I haven't been as active as you and Gianni these pass two weeks, so...
TSB: Whatever! This could be a set up!
me: What?
TSB: The Ex...
me: You stupid! Why you trying to scare me?
TSB: (laughter)
me: Umma take a shower and pray on it and call you back...
TSB: (more laughter)

1:40am Driving to Jamaica's house. Baby Boy calls, I don't answer. The mystery has me excited. I arrive and he greets me with housephone to ear and beckons me inside. I DO NOT remember him. He's just as he described...cute in an average kind of way...accent a bit thicker in person. I sit on the couch. He continues the phone conversation. I watch CNN for about 10 minutes when he pauses to see the Strom Thurman/Black daughter story with commentary with whomever he is on the phone with. I listen too. Segment ends. His conversation continues.

me: (TSB's voicemail) I made it. That's "tired" that you're not answering your phone, but I'm safe.

I look at the decor of the apartment noticing family photos, mail on the coffee table, how all of the lights are on, the huge safari plants, and the smell of Patchouli inscense. Finally he tells the caller that he's being rude. (duh!) It is approaching 2:30am and he begins to tell me about his friend's drama...blah...blah...blah. And then he also tells me about his brother driving into Atlanta from Alabama at that moment and he is up waiting for his arrival. I listen. Then he gets quiet. We both stare at the television out of awkardness. I think to myself, If he makes a sexual move I guess I will cooperate...he's kinda cute...DAMN I'm tired...why am I here?... Then he tosses a napkin on my left knee. Sure enough...it's my name, home, and cell phone numbers in my very own manuscript.

me: (laughter) But I still don't remember you.
Jamaica: (laughter)

More awkward silence and television watching.

me: You're wide awake, huh?
Jamaica: Yeah, I usually work nights at the Marriott...Accounting...and I'm waiting on my brother. Are you tired?
me: (nodding yes slowly while my face is turned in the direction of the TV) Yep.

More awkward silence and television watching.

Jamaica: Are you asleep?
me: I think I dosed off.
Jamaica: You wanna call me tomorrow? I get off at 11.
me: At night?
Jamaica: Yeah.
me: That'll work.

I stumble to the door wondering why I came over to this boy's house? Then I wonder why he invited me? Inside I get angry for wasted time. He opens the door. I exit.

Jamaica: Call me when you get home.
me: (shaking my head in disgust, giving no response)

I drive home complaining about wasted time and then get in the bed and drift away. And it is only until now that I realize that I am the "tired" one for having such a low expectation for him and myself by simply considering the situation a booty call. I am so embarrassed. I probably won't call him tonight.

Beyonce: "I've been born to do this. I want to be a triple threat, you know? I'm able to dance, sing, act, and I also write and produce. And that's very rare. They want to say it's because of the sexy clothes or it's because whatever else. No, it's because I'm talented. And I just want to be acknowledged for that."--Dateline NBC's
"Backstage Pass" with Katie Couric

After reading about Beyonce's most recent performance from kevinrscott and then once again from keithboykin, I realize that this girl is really "letting me have it!" Each time I want to discredit this newly crowned phenom for being a product of bad/good publicity + blatant sexuality + the help of a relentless stage dad, she performs on Oprah...the Billboard awards...and even an AIDS in Africa benefit and leaves my jaw gaping in awe. I never denied the girl's talent and I have to admit that she is recreating the prototype for the total package. And if history serves itself correctly (i.e. Diana, Tina, Aretha...and Mary's dramatic rise), this could probably be the makings of a new icon. But we'll see...I must say that I fear a Ja-Rule-esque bout with over-exposure real soon though.

Baby boy you stay on my mind...Fulfill my fantasies...I think about you all the time...I see you in my dreams--Beyonce

After leaving P.A.L.S. Bingo last night, I contemplated how I would continue my efforts at being a newly divorced socialite. So I called Gianni to see if he had plans. He didn't. Nevertheless, I listened to him recount the final moments leading up to his recent disunion as I sped down Interstate 85. DRAMA!!! I listened ever so intently, carefully choosing my responses because it wasn't too long ago that I was playing the same role in another tired theatrical production of "Deez Niggaz is Crazy!" So after a lengthy conversation which did not lead to any definitive plans for recreation, Gianni decided to finish watching Gigli. (Huh!?) I let him. EB momentarily calls as Floetry's video for 'Wanna B Where U R' ends on Midnight Love. He asks if I plan to go to Halo. I had considered it. And now my interest was renewed. I was not in the mood for dressing up (Halo's a trendy spot), so I kept on my white t-shirt, jeans, PRO-Keds, and NY Mets jacket. I knew that this would be a different kind of night when EB greeted me at the bar with, "You lookin real trade-ish!?" Soon after, I ran into a Dillard alum that I hadn't seen in a minute. After two pints of Stella Artois, Dillard and I walked over to Bulldogs. I stepped it up a notch with Vodka and Cranberry. The next thing I knew, I was letting this man back "it" up and do an erotic slow wind on me as I leaned against an arcade machine. After the vertical lap dance, Dillard and I made our rounds around the bar. And that was when I noticed Baby Boy on the dancefloor. Cafe au lait, low fade, pretty, college boy kunt. He wore plaid pants in an eccentric fashionable kind of way. I pointed him out to Dillard who was working someone, unbeknowst to me, at the bar. (I could sense the body language) So I made my advance towards the dancefloor near Baby Boy until our bodies met and writhed in syncopation to a digitized Timbaland track. It felt good. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the edge of his bed watching him put his PJ's on. While sitting there, I noticed not one...not two...not three...but four different incarnations of Spongebob Squarepants.

me: So, how old are you?
Baby Boy: nineteen
me: (gagging and wondering to myself how he got into the club) Ok

me: What's with Spongebob?
Baby Boy: Just a little fascination. My friends and family always buy me Spongebob if they see him at a store or something.
me: Ok

I decided to continue robbing the cradle. I mean, what's seven years!? Age ain't nothing but a number!? Right!? Demi/Ashton!? Vivica/50 Cent!?

So after an uncomfortable few minutes kissing on his twin bed, I suggest we go back to my place. Sex was out of the question at this point, so we talked and held each other into our slumber. Morning came and went. Afternoon came and went. Evening (5:00pm), I drove him back home and I went to work. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed his company. We laughed and teased. We watched videos and even Oprah together. Conversation revealed atleast a 21 year old's maturity. So I guess, we'll just take it slow and see what happens.

I love me some Oprah!

The incomparable, Oprah Winfrey, was on Larry King last night:

KING: Do you pinch yourself saying, come on, you're one of the most powerful women in the world. Maybe -- certainly in the top five. Do you ever say to yourself, wow?

WINFREY: Larry, that's a good -- no. I don't say to myself wow I'm in the top five. I don't think...

KING: I don't mean that. I mean, that you've made it.

WINFREY: I think -- I marvel every day of my life. Because first of all, I start out the day with a form of meditation or prayer. Some kind of thoughtful inward look at myself and something bigger than myself. I try to do that every day. Not just wow but marvel at this life. I mean, I was born in Mississippi in 1954. And all that means. There are people watching that knows what that means and people that don't know what that means. Well, 1954, Mississippi was the most racist state in the United States. We had more lynchings in that state per county than any state in the union. And I was born during the year of Brown vs. Board of Education which was the year that really brought about a sense of hope to then colored people. We were called at the time. To believe that life could be better. That you would no longer have to go to a school that was segregated with you having books that were less than the other children. With you not having the right -- the proper facilities and the proper tools to which to learn. I was born in that year.

KING: And now look.

WINFREY: So, when I hear Paul Simon sing "Born at the Right Time" I think, he is singing about me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CALLER: My question for you is, first of all, I just want to say that I admire what you do for people. Spiritually, if anything else. My question for you is, I'm 24. At 24, Oprah, what were you doing? Because I am lost.

WINFREY: ...I will say this, because I have god daughters and nieces who are in their 20s, and I would say that the 20s are the time when you feel the most lost. As I was saying to Larry earlier, I have kept a journal all these years, and so since I was 15, and my journal when I was 24 and 25, I go -- I look back at that journal and I weep for that woman. Because I was so pathetic. Even though I was working in news, I was so disorganized. I mean, I drove this little Chevy Chevette (ph) and my car was the junkiest car in Maryland. I would, like, roll my hair and leave the windows down, because I didn't have air conditioning.

WINFREY: ...but 24, the 20s are the time when you're finding out who you are. And so if you're ever going to be lost, 24 is the time to be seeking and finding yourself. So don't -- this is what I say to people in their 20s, don't beat yourself up about it. That's a time when you always feel like that's why this -- I remember writing in a journal once, that's why they call that show "The Young and the Restless," because you always feel like you're not doing enough, you're not getting ahead. You wish you were doing more, and why -- why aren't things more settled? They're not supposed to be in your 20s.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CALLER: I would like to ask you, what motivates you on a daily basis? What motivates you to get up everyday and do what you do.

KING: Yes, because you don't have to financially.

WINFREY: Well, I think this. I think everybody has to figure out a way -- I think the real job of your life is figuring out what is the job of your life. What is your calling? And I think everybody is called here to earth to do something special. I think there's not a person born that doesn't have a gift to offer in some way. And so, your job is not just to do what your parents say, what your teachers say, what society says, but to figure out what your heart calling is and to be led by that. And for me, from a very early age, it was talking, talking in the church. I'm grounded, you know, spiritually having been brought up through the church. But spirituality means more to me than religion or church. Knowing yourself and known there's something bigger than yourself. So, what motivates me as a human being is being able to understand that I am here and what a gift it is. What a gift. Every single day. And that's not just rhetoric or, you know, blah blah celebrity stuff. It is just, jeez. I just sometimes I...

KING: Do you ever not want to go in?

WINFREY: I never not want -- first of all, back to the question of what motivates me. What motivates me is being able to fulfilling my potential. And keep growing into myself. I finally, feel like now I'm going to be 50 so maybe I'm grown.

WINFREY: What motivates me is trying to best what I've always done. How do you get better? How do you grow better? And so...

KING: Top yourself?

WINFREY: Not even topping as much as it is fulfilling the potential. We all have great potential here on earth.

She is simply, the best.

Big Post of Life List-The Remix-Courtesy of Negro, Please Don't Hurt 'Em!

5 things wrong in my field of vision right now:
*Reoccuring reminiscent thoughts of the Ex (That's natural, right!? It don't mean I'm backsliding. I know what's best.)
*Loss of will power to get my ass into the gym and start my Mark Jenkins workout
*Still smoking cigarettes...even through a recent bout with the flu
*Owe 2 creditors a few coins
*Procrastination...CHES certification...researching Ph.D programs

4 things you wish you had:
*A car (preferrably a Range Rover) that was born in the new millennium
*High rise condo at the Metropolis
*A singing voice that rivals Luther, Donnie, Marvin, and Stevie.
*A Love of my Life

4 smells you love:
*Ol skool Lagerfeld cologne
*"Regular" gasoline
*Fried chicken
*Leather

4 things you are thinking about:
*How hard this list actually is
*Queer Eye for the Queer Guy
*Blacks and Gay Marriage
*...I stretch my hands to Thee...Come rescue me...I need you right away...I need you now...-Smokie Norful

4 things you did today
*Gotta haircut
*Worked
*Blogged
*Chilled

5 songs of the right now:
*You don't know my name-Alicia Keys
*She is-Carl Thomas
*Through the wire-Kanye West
*Rubberband man-T.I.
*Change clothes-Jay-Z

Last thing you...
did: write this entry
read: Kanye West's bio
watched on tv: music videos on BET

Who do you want to..
kill: No one
hear from: The Ex, one of the 5 things wrong in my field of vision right now!
look like: me
be like: me

Last song you heard: Through the wire-Kanye West
Last movie you saw: Kill Bill
Last movie you saw on the big screen: Kill Bill
Last thing you had to drink: Cherry Kool-aid
Last thing you ate: Cajun fried catfish, collard greens, lima beans, baked sweet potato
Last time you cried: 12-02-2003 On the plane from NYC back to ATL...I was so sick with the flu...miserably stuck on the plane looking out the window into the heavens
Last time you danced: Last night...alone...Kelis's Milkshake video came on. Sometimes I pretend to be an Atlanta shakedancer!
Last person you hugged: Kerwin
Last thing you said: "Well, you know!? I got it like that."
Last person you talked to online: Sexxyeyes
Last thing you smelled: food
Last car ride: my car, on my way to work
Last CD played: WOW Gospel 2003
Last item bought: Vodka and cranberry at The Lion's Den

Albums played on the regular right now:
Worldwide Underground-Erykah Badu
Surrender-Kindred The Family Soul
The Diary of Alicia Keys-Alicia Keys
The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of 'Lady Sings the Blues'-Diana Ross

What do the lonely do for Christmas?

As I listen to the Urban Holiday Station on Launchcast, I am reminded that I pass by two Christmas tree stands on my way home everyday. I keep telling myself that I will stop and buy one. Then I realize how pathetic it would be. I'd be so melancholic. Not to mention, on yesterday I saw my neighbors (a couple) unloading their tree from the car. I began to imagine their little decorating project...

Papi's carrying and guiding the base of the tree into their front door as Wife-y holds the tip. Coats, scarves, and gloves off, he soon begins to set the tree into the stand. "Is it straight...or crooked?" Finally, it's perfect. She adjusts the crackling logs in the fireplace and then the pair unpack the lights, garland, and ornaments. Boyz II Men's "Let it Snow" is playing in the background as she winds around the tree illuminated by 500 streaming lights guided by her man. They perform the same dance as the garland is added. She tosses crimson ornamental balls at his head as he teases her about how ghetto her Mama's tree was when they visited for Thanksgiving. Laughter continues to fill the air as the last of the ornaments are added. He finally tops the tree with a golden metallic star. They clean up the mess that they made. The lights in the house are turned off, leaving their Christmas tree shimmering. The two naturally embrace, relishing in another Christmas together.

Maybe I should just wrap a stream of lights around the banister of my balcony. That's simple enough.

My bird landed amongst the mechanical flock and I exited into Gotham City with Hellified fearlessness...

Thanksgiving Thursday
Party of 6 in Harlem at 131st hosted by my good friend, The Hairstylist. We gave thanks. Lots and lots of stimulating conversation. Ipods...home decor...celebrity culture..."Abercrombie's My Bitch"...Karma..."What would you do?"... Then more Zinfandel and maybe some Absolut Citron and cranberry. Ended up in Clinton Hills, Brooklyn with TSB after a stroll through a deserted Greenwich Village.

Friday
Ran errands with TSB in downtown Brooklyn. Stopped in a Goodwill store to search for vintage finds. Surprisingly successful. Took a break. Met up with Gianni (who flew in from ATL), TSB, The Hairstylist, and X5 (who flew in from New Orleans) at Day-O. Took in spirits and libation at the corner bar until the sound system went out. Still can't figure out why management was so rude!? The posse hailed two cabs to Brooklyn so that a few wardrobe changes could take place before we made our way to the next venue...Da Playground...you know? Three scintillating floors of New York's finest. We took in more of the Devil's nectar...I opted for Long Island's own Iced Tea. As planned, I ran into my friend Q, who I had phoned on Thanksgiving since we hadn't seen or really spoken to each other in about a year. Party & Bullsh*t!!! So much was going on that night and a Lush, such as myself, can't hardly recall it all... I know I was giving and receiving cell numbers most of the night. All you could see were blue and green cell phone illumination as the exchanges were taking place. My cohorts for the night were working full time in their own regards, but that's Sex and the City. I congratulated Phillip Bloch, Halle Berry's stylist, outside of the club for all of his good work. I don't know if he was incognito or what. Everytime I see him out he is quietly alone. Maybe that's his modus operandi to "get a date." The gang came out together...but left individually...

Saturday
I woke up and was introduced to Q's roommate...

Our hands met, thumbs intertwined
One firm signal of excitement.
My eyes glided to the floor, too nervous to ever meet his...again.
I sneaked a peek at his coy smile as he mouthed off irrelevance.
3 seconds...feeling like eternity.
How can anyone make morning look so good?
Barefoot...fresh faced...teeth brilliant from a recent brushing.
Time is becoming finite.
My breath is gone. None left to speak...
Chance lost...again.

So I left the Upper East Side to go to Times Square to the TKTS booth for Broadway tickets. After 2 1/2 hours in the blistering cold, I got tickets to Rent. Wanted Aida to see Michelle Williams, but I wasn't disappointed. Q and I then had lunch at Cafeteria. I HATED my spinach and cheddar omelette with a passion. The restaurant looks amazingly trendy but the food was so bland! We then hit it up to 125th to shop for some urban digs for later that night.

The Hairstylist and I went to the Nedarlander Theatre to experience Rent. It was my second viewing...his first. So I enjoyed experiencing it with him for the first time. The cast was great. I would have preferred a stronger performance for Angel...but it was good enough. "No day but today..."

Met up with the crew for a party at Bayou on 125th and Lenox. It reminded me of the B2B parties in Atlanta. I was so excited to see Keith Boykin there. That made my night! TSB did the most to acqaint himself really well with Mr. Boykin.

Left there and went to the Warehouse up in the Bronx. Total change of atmosphere...Night and Day... We got real gutter and partied until 7:30am.

Sunday
Walked down 125th to get bootlegs. Yes, I admit it. I purchase bootleg CD's and books. It's about economics right now for me. Got Alicia Keys' "Diary" and Alice Walker's The Way Forward is With a Broken Heart. Had Sunday dinner at "Manna's." Then the group went to Escuelita to see Harmonica.

Monday
And I rested. Bad bad cold...

Tuesday
Back in da ATL