Wednesday, November 26, 2003

I love New York!

11-27-2003 to 12-2-2003...

Monday, November 24, 2003

My milkshake...

Since the break up, I keep telling myself that I need to put myself out there in an effort to move on. But this past weekend shall go down in history as one of the best observational studies I have ever personally conducted to serve as a testament to the challenge that I now face.

I had dinner with Gianni (formerly known as Carl), Donatella and friends of Donatella at the Landmark Diner after the Vibe Awards (a HOT mess!). Donatella and I go to the bar to smoke and converse. She tells me how she was going to get one of her friends (who we left seated at the table) to buy her some Ferragamo but she has decided against it because she is deciding to seriously commit herself to her boyfriend in Toronto. I puff...exhale...and puff again as she goes on about how she needs to stop gold digging. I keep my comments neutral as I listen to her lament. I wonder why she feels that she HAS to get as much as she can from men? I then ask her what are the guys' expectations from her. She SWEARS that she isn't sleeping with them. Okay...

The friends were dismissed and myself, Gianni, and Donatella ended up at Halo and then to Club Colours. All the while, I began to understand much more readily Gianni (who happens to be one of my best friends) and Donatella's relationship. They have this warped dependence on men/boyfriends that I haven't figured out. I'm realizing that it is okay to be in a relationship wherein one person is more of a provider of sorts. (I guess!?!) But Gianni and Donatella...they have significant others who are providers yet they are still seeking "things" outside of the relationship. I can't handle the "get what you can get" mentality. However as an aside, I have my own issues with this topic and gay men. I think each man should be independently living or atleast have the ability to be independent within the relationship. In other words, HAVE YOUR OWN SHIT! I have problems with the idea that one man is looking for another man to take care of him. And I later try to explain to Donatella that there is an entirely different dynamic and expectation that exists in gay relationships...while some men do exactly what she is doing, others do not. And in my experience, that type of role playing isn't what is necessarily expected. Then we party into other friends at the club...but I meet no dates.

Went with Nicole to see My Boyfriend the Stripper. It was surprisingly lighthearted and comical. There was only one black actor (unless you count Matthew Rush who I don't think identifies as such). And the one black character had to be a tired hypocritical academician who fucks the young white boys he teaches. That left me disgruntled...but I laughed anyway.

I then met up with Gianni for a fashion show at the Biltmore. There we watched another friend, Maxwell, walk the show. I thought that this would provide the perfect opportunity to mingle since the Beautiful Ones were out. But my Gaydar was just not in good condition at this point. What is with this Metrosexual bullshit!? Every goodlooking, polished, stylish, sexy brother that seemed to reak GAY...later turned out to be questionably straight at the end of the night when the question was posed to friends and associates. What!?!

Myself, Gianni, Maxwell and two other friends then are invited to a houseparty whereby I vicariously learn that gay men can be so TIRED as it is discovered that two of the passengers in the car are sharing the same date while the entire caravan heads to this houseparty where, OF COURSE the guy in question is there waiting. Things are explained with an "it's a small world" philosophy. No hard feelings. I'm certain that all parties will continue to "date." I guess you might as well share a man in this day and age...

Most people from the party eventually filed out and went to the Brutha2Brutha party at Spice. As I look across the dancefloor I wonder how Atlanta can be home to so many black gay men... {My milkshake brings all the boyz to the yard...they're like its betta than yours...} And in between the boom of the 808 the thought was abruptly broken. One of the people that came out with the group is female and this guy is really "doing the most" to get her attention. She obliges with a dance. He is stuck to her like a bee to honey for the remainder of the night. Why!? Then I remember that this event is for "men in the life" and the life, I reckon, includes such intermixing. She tells me later how he adamantly proclaimed that he was a top and continued to describe "how he gets down." Funny!?

I thought long and hard about Friday and Saturday. The pessimist in me sees all of the barriers that I face. I chill at home all day long. I only left the house to return a DVD to Blockbuster. I talk on the phone with friends and then fall asleep.

Back at work...Thanksgiving potluck (I don't eat everybody's cooking!)...ate all of the "safe" foods. Office chatter: Micheal Jackson, Gay Marriage, Thanksgiving plans, blah blah blah...I close my eyes real tight and wish that I was a Hermit crab with a shell to retract into.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Doing the most...

So last night I dressed my trendiest and went to Halo. And I expectantly ran into the Ex. According to the DeKalb County Order of Restraint, we aren't supposed to be within 50 yards of one another. So we made eye contact and stayed on separate levels. Ugghhh! This is what I have to look forward to from now on. We are always going to run into each other. Luckily, I was accompanied by four of my good friends. That way I was not able to think about his presence for at least 40% of the time. I couldn't help from allowing myself to see who he was with. Not that it really mattered at this point, but I just wanted to see. I recognized them all. While together, we never really befriended each other's friends so there is no awkwardness with that. Thank God! For now, I'll just have to continue to wait for time to heal.

Dan from Real World Miami and porn star Matthew Rush were at Halo last night too. They are in a play called My Boyfriend the Stripper that is doing a run in Atlanta. My friend, Nicole, used her feminine prowess to garner us free passes for tomorrow night.

And to date I've received 19 messages to my M4N profile. I provide a link to this blog so there's no confusion with the type of person that I am. I actually have gotten cool feedback from people who have ACTUALLY taken the time to read this thing. Sometimes it just feels like therapuetic release when I make my entries. I don't consider the fact that people are really reading this and to my surprise find entertainment in it. But as of now, my M4N buddies and I are just exchanging "imails" with one another. No real dialogue.

Then again:

Me: {after reviewing profile and pic} sup? just hittin u up. u appear to be normal...attractive... some of these niggaz in here r crazy for real. lol hit me back if that's wassup!

M4N boy: normal: i'm not. attractive: completely relative. every one is crazy. most people just have compatible psychosis and don't know that they are crazy. it's only a problem for those of us that do.

Me: I disagree. To me, normalcy is what's relative. And to dismiss one finding you attractive as relative is...interesting. If I find you attractive, then for all intents and purposes you are. I wasn't discussing anyone else's viewpoint regarding your appearance but my own. And if we're using the term "crazy" loosely (as I was), then I can walk with you in that we all have our issues. But I wouldn't deem them psychoses...that's a little severe. However, your reply proves my point in recognizing that you are different from the rest in here. Thanks for the dialogue.

I feel like I may have done too much!? He really is a cute guy... I just felt like his reply was kinda arrogant. And I only wanted to share my view point. I'll await his response.

His response:

M4N boy: You're right, normalcy is relative but then so is everything in reality, including reality itself. Your blogs are...interesting. Although I am a little concerced about the EJH(?) thing. Additionally, I appreciate the compliment and should have said so the fist time. As far as the pyschoses, if you really evaluate the nature of people, it becomes increasingly evident. True enough on an individual level but amazingly even more so as a collective.

I feel better. :-)

Thursday, November 20, 2003

You ain't gon find no husband at da club!

So a few months ago I heard about another online hookup site that has apparently become very popular in Atlanta. At the time, I deemed myself "married" and thought of myself as "beyond" all of that child's play, so I dismissed it. But how easily that fantasy turned into a nightmare (yesterday's blog).

Well...I created a profile on today. I know that I am setting myself up for utter disappointment. {My Grandma used to tell my Aunts, "You ain't gon find no husband at da club!" It's basically with that premise that I look at online dating.} I actually don't even know what I am looking for. I don't think I would have even set up a profile if the website had not actually been so easy to navigate. It actually is a really good site with several ways to "get to know" people, so I understand it's popularity. There are over 400 men in my local area "logged in now" with a majority of them being men of color...almost ALL! I think the website might be programmed to display people I might be interested in based upon my profile that I set up initially. Then, (catch this!) I can utilize the "legend/icon" feature to actually select my preferred top, bottom, versatile, oral, or escort and initiate conversation. WOW! It's just that easy! Click! Then presto....dick! It's just too easy!? (sarcasm)

Then I moved on to and set up another profile. It wasn't as simple. I am not very confident in that ad. It required typing a LOT of text which I wasn't prepared to do. And then it seems to be a white gay male site. Not that I have any issues dating outside of my race...but I don't believe that they're looking for me. But I did meet muy caliente from Clarkston by way of Spain in the chat room. I'll see what happens with that. He said he's looking for "fun" but I am sure fun = sex. We'll see...

Since typing this blog, I've received 2 messages for my M4N profile. One a total bust. The other...cute...biracial he's "just looking for cool peeps." Hmmm...

Oh, I'm going to NYC for Thanksgiving!

Greenwich Village
Buttercup Lounge
West Elm
Old friends
College alum
New friends

So much to do...

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Emancipation Proclamation

Based upon my last blog, I was pondering what I could accomplish in 2 months. I decided it definitely had to do with Self. It had to be something empowering...something uplifting...something life altering.

I perused my daily routine and realized only three days after I wrote the last blog what I needed to do:

After suffering from a cycle of disrespect and lovin' that dates back to last year...I am in the kitchen, EJH is in my bedroom watching television.

Me: (running into bedroom to answer cell phone) Hello?
TSB: What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing...What do you mean?
TSB: I just called you.
Me: (turning toward EJH who was alone in my room briefly) Did you answer my cell phone?
EJH: Yep...Who is TSB?...Why he call you so much?
TSB: (on cell phone) I knew that wasn't you. I was talking and then I just hung up.
Me: He think we fuckin'!

*** the back of the head from EJH to me***

Me: (stunned) Lemme call you back!
EJH: (filled with rage) Don't you ever disrespect me in front of your friends!
Me: (shocked and awed)
EJH: I didn't mean to hit you. I'm sorry. You be making me mad.
Me: Okay (walks out of room)

Now I am in my living room terribly disappointed because this is a reenactment of last year. And this nigga, of course, promised that "he had changed!" I know that a confrontation right now would fuel the flame so I ignore my anger and make him believe that I accept his apology. He makes plans to spend the night. I cringe. I lay in the dark. He asks me to hold him. I shrink while throwing my weak arm around his waist. Morning didn't come fast enough. He left for work. Called me several times throughout the day. Finally I answered.

Me: Hello?
EJH: What you doing?
Me: Nothing
EJH: What's wrong?
EJH: You still love me?
Me: I don't think we can be together.
EJH: Is this your way of being with TSB?
EJH: Hope y'all have a good life together.
click...dial tone.

I knew that that was too easy. Within a weeks time, he had called relentlessly. I refused to answer the phone. He left crazy messages. He circled the parking lot of my apartment complex nightly. He attempted to kick the door in when he saw my silhouette as I peeked through the blinds to see where he was in the parking lot. He left notes on my door. He called one of my best friends at work and made up one of the worst lies I thought possible. It really showed his character.

I filed a stalking temporary protective order against him. He was served the papers the following day.

Knocked on my door begging to talk for "10 seconds." The door never opened. Ran into him at The Lion's Den. Whispered in my ear to "please just talk to me for 2 seconds." Made the same request from my friend that I was out with. Both refused.

Today 11-19-2003
He and I appeared before the court and signed a permanent restraining order barring contact. We never exchanged a glance nor a word.

I am empowered...uplifted...and my life has been altered.

Now I gotta deal with the emotional baggage...

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Diddy Ran da City!

I have truly grown to really admire P.Diddy in the last 2 days. I saw him last night on Oprah After the Show and was intrigued by his sudden maturity. I must admit that I was a little suspect with all of the media hype for the marathon. I mean...come on...Diddy running on the treadmill on MTV's TRL with Loon's CD yelling, "Cop that!" with each stride. But I can respect the feat! Congratulations!

Now lemme see what I can push my self to accomplish in 2 months...hmmm...

Monday, November 03, 2003

Whose keepin da DL on da down low?

I received anotha damn DL email that friends and associates wanted my opinion on. And it read:

"Something to share with our children.


This is not a very nice topic to discuss but I feel I need to share this information with my sisters in Christ. Last Saturday, Kisha & I went to a seminar where a man named J.L. King was speaking on the subject of "DL Brothers". The "DL" stands for Down Low or Double Lives.

Now, what makes this so interesting is that Mr. King is a DL brother. South Carolina is #8 in the nation for HIV/AIDS new cases. African American women are 80% of all new cases and they are contracting the virus from men who are having sex with other men but they are doing this on the "Down Low". These men say they are not gay... they are heterosexual but just sleep with men once in awhile. These are men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, and men that say they hate those "faggots".

Mr. King shared his life story and said he knows a lot of "DL" brothers in the NBA/NFL and even in the entertainment world. To prove his point: On Thursday, the director of the Tri-County Collaboration for the prevention of HIV/AIDS, Valerie King (no relation) took J.L. to a Charleston Club and introduced him to 5 men she knew. These men were respected men at work and church. Valerie excused Herself for about 15-20 minutes. In that time J.L. had gotten 3 of the 5 men's phone numbers to hook up with later. By the end of the evening he also got 10 female numbers.

He said the reason he is talking about this is his fear that his grown daughter may run into a "DL" brother and never know. These men are masters in the art of lying and living that double life. His wife thought it was wonderful that he worked so hard in the church with different men on different projects right up to the time he had to tell her he was HIV positive. This, needless to say, destroyed his family and his marriage. He has 3 grown children who now have to live with the knowledge that their father gave their mother HIV and possibly AIDS. I know of one man in my own church that is a "DL" brother and has AIDS. (Because what you do on the "DL" will come out in the light) J.L. mentions that this is a widespread epidemic here in Charleston.

I went on the web site and looked up several references on HIV/AIDS in the South. The numbers are showing whites are going down but African Americans are going up & up... mostly heterosexual African American women. I have been asking myself all week... what is this world coming to? When is God going to say... this is enough (I think God has already said this is enough and now we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience. There is a penalty for walking in our own way and doing things our own way contrary to God.)

This is truly the work of the enemy! Ladies, this is also praying time. I have shared this with my youngest daughter too! I'm going to pass this message to as many females I know and I pray you do the same. Below are some web sites that you may find interesting. Once we understand that HIV/AIDS is not something that is just happening in Africa, that it is preventable, and that we as women understand the importance of knowledge on the subject then maybe we can make a difference.

God Bless You all!"

Oh really!? My reply:

As an African American gay male who happens to work in HIV/AIDS prevention, I find the email bothersome and offensive. I do not refute HIV/AIDS incidence and prevalence. We all know the disparities that exist within our community. To reiterate a previous comment, the bottom line is that COMMUNICATION IS KEY and SAFER SEX should be practiced by ALL.

However, the email just serves as evidence that the black community still cannot accept sexuality, in general. (gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, etc.)

The "DL" phenomenon is nothing new. Black men have been having sex with other black men for a long time. Can we (black folk) accept that fact? The supposed "Down Low" or "Double Life" man would not exist if he had a community to identify with and feel supported and accepted by. And are these supposed DL men "masters in the art of lying and living that double life?" Or are they simply assimilating and surviving in black homophobia?

And why is it so surprising that "respected men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, men in the NBA/NFL or in the entertainment industry" can be having sexual relationships with other men? Is this an argument based upon assumptions concerning male masculinity/femininity and sexual identity?

And what was the point of Mr. King's "experiment" at the Charleston club? Was it to display his hypersexuality? 13 phone numbers in 15-20 minutes...oh really!? Did he pass a sign in sheet around the club? If he received 3 out of 5
men's phone numbers at the club, then that is not really that surprising due to the ratio of homosexual/bisexual vs heterosexual men in the population. And if he received 10 female's numbers at the club then that is plausible due to "good black man shortage" if the females saw him as a potential mate. But I seriously, question Mr. King's mack!

And the Black church (our "foundation") has simply ignored the crisis of sexuality and responded with hellfire and brimstone conjure which only segregates and demonizes. If "we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience in God" then it is due to not understanding that God is Love, not Judgement. And I agree that this is a "praying time," but I am praying for Unity and Understanding.

Here are I few websites/articles that I recommend: