Monday, September 29, 2003

You don't know me like that...

Recap from Texas...
I'm back from a very scandalous training at the Hyatt in San Antonio, TX. There is, what I will call, a "conference phenomenon" that exists when you get individuals gathered in a city for trainings and seminars. It all begins after the day's sessions and there is nothing for the attendees to do in the evenings except cruise the hotel lobbies/bars and meet up with other attendees that they've met throughout the day. People with husbands, wives, lovers, and children begin to behave in ways that they probably normally would not had it not been for this microcosm created within the hotel environment.

CLUB (room) 833 and 1137 were stocked with a semi-full bar with snacks. So intriguing! I like my cocktails, so I of course didn't refuse the opportunity to mix the Devil's nectar. And as much as I tried to be cognizant of my surroundings...the alcohol took affect and before I knew it my guard was down. The rooms were getting a little too Eyes Wide Shut for me! I also wanted to hit up the gay scene in San Antonio. So I had to coax this guy from Ft. Lauderdale that I had been talking to accompany me out. He declined. I flirted with him until he agreed. I knew what I was doing, but I didn't think he did. Of course, when we were filing out everyone else wanted to come too. (It comes with being the life of the party!?) So we hailed 3 cabs and discovered The Saint. Myself, Ft. Lauderdale, and Los Angeles (whom I had just met) immediately went to the bar. All three of us were standing there and Los Angeles offered to buy me my drink. I smiled and hugged him in gratitude while a lifeless drag queen attempted to perform Beyonce's "Baby Boy!".

me: you didn't have to do that. thank you! (hug)
Los Angeles: nuttin to it.
me: (sipping cranberry/vodka)
Ft. Lauderdale: (leans in to me) i get you. i see how you work.
me: what!?
Ft. Lauderdale: it's all good. i ain't mad. you know how to work it.
me: what are you saying?
Ft. Lauderdale: nothing...don't worry about it.
me: no, what are you trying to say.
Ft. Lauderdale: nothing (turns his head)
me: i know what you're trying to say. but you don't know me like that!
Ft. Lauderdale: you know how to get what you want.
me: yo, chill.

I realize that Ft. Lauderdale may have been right. I feel like I am just a friendly person. In my mind, I know where the flirt in me begins and ends. No harm in it. I guess I should be more aware of what others may be feeling. I suppose Ft. Lauderdale thought that I would end my night with him since I did coax him out. But instead I am accepting drinks from other new found friends. And unbeknownst to him, I had EVERY intention of ending my night ALONE in room 544.

Nevertheless, we eventually left that club to go back to room 367 where the drunken group eventually wound down. Shout out to E from NYC "strumming my pain with his fingers" and C from DC "these gurls some teas!"


me: hello?
ejh: i told you i was gon check on you. where you at?
me: just got back to the hotel...bout to go back to my room.
ejh: alone?
me: ha ha ha, yes!
ejh: d...
me: huh?
ejh: are you cheating on me?
me: no

It wasn't until 6:34am that I finally closed my eyes only to reopen them at 8:30am to make it to my 9am session. I just realize that I have a boyfriend. Thank God for Da Bux!

Friday, September 26, 2003

Remember the Alamo!

Been in San Antonio for work...

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

An email from a long lost friend...

I received an email from a classmate from fifth and sixth grade. Her mother ran into my mother and emails were exchanged. We were really good friends back in the a lil' black boy...she a lil' white tom boy...oddly enough.

And it reads:

my kids are taking a test right now so i have some time to write... where do i start???

i teach high school. this is my 2nd year. came here from the univ. of kentucky where i got an MS in athletic training. my BS in sports medicine came from georgia southern university. i played 4 years on a softball scholarship there and had an honors program scholarship as well. can't argue w/ 6 yrs of free school. i am actually taking classes again for a teaching certificate. i passed the exam to get a 3-yr provisional, but i have to take 7 classes to get a clear renewable (a.k.a. keep my job) certificate. now i'm paying for school, and it is harsh. but i like my job and the people i work with well enough to endure this brief period of suffering. but i swear when i get done with class this time, i will NOT go back for a long long long time.

i am also an athletic trainer at the school. i work with every single team here, boys and girls. there is another man i work with that is primarily responsible for football and baseball, leaving everything else to me and even requiring my help with those as well. i stay busy, to say the least. this year i am also serving as an assistant softball coach and probably an assistant basketball coach too. i have to be here anyway, so i might as well help out and get paid extra to do so. i am one of the youngest people on staff here, so some of the old ladies don't like me all too much, but the coaches i work with are awesome!

away from school and work (which isn't much, sad to say) i live in lake park. i bought a condo on a golf course where i live with my 2 animals. my personal life is finally getting settled down. kinda. i got married in june 2001. i had to leave him in may 2002. the divorce was final in january of this year. i have become a statistic. i never planned on it happening that way. i was going to fall madly in love and stay married forever... it would have made a good story, but i think that was part of the problem. anyway, that is a long long story that doesn't need re-hashing right now. so i'm single again and loving every minute. i have a good group of friends/coworkers here and we go out sometimes. but as you can imagine, going out down here is nowhere near going out in atlanta. i am a southern girl and living where it is quieter and a little slower is nice for me. although i think my life is still a little fast-paced for some people here. the general consensus around here is that i'm crazy... imagine that. i just like to enjoy my life and have a good time. i have taken up golf and really enjoy it. i also bought a motorcycle and am in the process of becoming a better rider. my most outrageous undertaking, however, is skydiving. i started in april for spring break and haven't stopped. i absolutely love it!!! there isn't much around more better suited to my personality than jumping out airplanes! i actually jump in thomaston up around atlanta. you'll have to join me one day. ;-)

in other news, i have a niece (almost 2) and a nephew (1 month) who live in chicago but are the absolute joys of my life. my oldest bro. and his wife live in atlanta but have no children. mom and dad are right where they've always been, but my dad is a preacher now instead of a farmer.

ok, so i have written a ton. lot's to catch up on from 13 years past, huh? write whenever you want/can. look forward to hearing back from you.


My reply:

Wow! A lot has happened for you!

Free education!?! You're so lucky! While most of my undergrad was paid for...I still have loans that are haunting me from grad school. It's so depleting when you look at how much you have to pay back and how much you're making in your career. You're like, "Was it worth it!?"

I've had 3 jobs since I finished school (already!?). One was a TEMPORARY consultant, the other a program manager for a small non-profit that WENT UNDER, and finally the one I have now in research. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I didn't technically get fired, but its just that the job market is crazy. Here today...gone tomorrow. I went 3 months unemployed. That was scary! I had bills and I found myself in the Department of Labor's unemployment office. I had lost any sense of pride. But those days are over...

I like the job I have now. But I, too, don't care for some of the people I work with. And I, too, am the youngest. So I know what that feels like. The co workers I have problems with are LAZY! And that includes my supervisor! He is such a procrastinator. I basically supervise him in a passive aggressive/reverse psychology kinda way. And he is clueless. I kindly suggest things for him to do, and he's like, "That's a good idea. I should do that." And I say to myself, "You idiot!?"

My social life say the least. When I talk to people that I haven't seen in a while...I always get nervous about discussing my personal life. But I'm working on it.

Here goes...

Well, the past 6 years of my life have been me coming to grips with who I am and accepting me for me. I grew up in a really religious household (my stepfather is a minister). Whether I was with my mom's family or my dad's family...there was always this feeling of confinement. I don't fault any of them for it. I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood. But after I left for college in New Orleans, I experienced the first opportunity for independence and growth. I eventually "came out" and accepted the fact that I was gay. I told my mother and my father last year and they took it surprisingly well. They just have to accept the fact that there will be no wedding, no biological grandkids, etc. And my mother would prefer that I not tell ANYONE else. (hilarious!) So don't tell your mother who might mention it to my mother...blah blah blah. LOL!

I have been dating this guy off and on for about a year. Currently, we're on again. It's hard though. Sometimes I feel like it isn't fair because it'll be a long time (if ever?) before I can share my romantic life with my family and old friends. The social network I have now are friends from the last 6 years and present. So its easier.

I have a huge extended family because both my mother and my father are separately married with children. So that can get complicated. But I have four REALLY good friends that I met while in New Orleans. Two now live in Atlanta, one is in New Orleans, and the other is in New York. So that's how I get by.

I don't know if I'm the skydiving type!? That's too 'Road Rules' for me! But I may need the challenge...

I have to get back to work now. I hope this wasn't an overwhelming read! Write back!


Monday, September 15, 2003

Randomly thinking...

I love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! And this weekend I caught an original episode with the first "Culture" guy before Jai...yep the infamous black Queer, Blair Boone!? And it's sad to say that I realize why he was recast...Where is the personality!? But over on MSN I noticed how the Queer I love to hate, Carson, is making the most of his 15 minutes of fame.

Unleash the Dragon:
Why Sisqo, why!?

Zeta who!?

I fear my honesty on this blog. I have shared it with a few people who know me...but I'm unaware of whether or not they even read it regularly. And do they even get it? Do I get it? I want to be able to say ANYTHING here. But now I'm starting to second guess myself.

I had a conversation with Carl last week:

me: wassup!
carl: i got your email.
me: oh yeah...
carl: who are you talking to on that website?
me: ummm...i'm just venting...alot of people do it...

And another conversation with Danielle:

danielle: what is that?
me: a web log
danielle: you just putting all your business out there...
me: yeah...ha ha ha
danielle: ha ha ha

We Meet Again...
We met months ago. We talked. Things became rather standoffish. You saw me out with a date...twice. We stopped speaking. I ran into you again on Saturday. You "lost my number." Now were reacquainted. Why do you prefer to text message me, rather than call? How do I tell you that I'm "in this situation?" Could we be? Will we ever know? Call me.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Love of My Life...

Erykah Badu's entire new album is online for preview today. This past Saturday, Danger had Traxx jumpin'! I like when you hear a song on the radio or on television...and you're like...."It's alright!?" Then you hear it in the club amplified to the highest level and the dancefloor is packed and you're already lushed -n- perspiring and that same mediocre song comes blaring through the speakers and your mind is changed. You're like, "That's my joint (arms flailing)!

But to get back 2 EBadu...I wonder why there has been little to no promotion for this album? I was told by an avid fan that the album was dropping soon (9-16-03). I only recently heard the first single (I have given up on radio). And so far I've heard the 1st four tracks while typing this blog...mellow and typically abstract are the words that come to mind. Lots of different unintelligible sounds which I assume are vocally derived. And I've noticed that she likes to sample her own previous work...interesting.

Last night, I watched VH1's Hip Hop Babylon and actually got chills listening and realizing how deviant this rape of culture has gotten. I posted the following to their message board:

"Hip Hop Babylon had me shook up last night. I knew the music industry was a hideous monster but I didn't know how viscious it truly was. I was saddened to see so many individuals hoodwinked and bamboozled. I also was bothered by the sociological implications that are evident in our culture and community due to this evergrowing beast. Worshipping hypermasculinity and one-upmanship...belief that money defines success and happiness...acceptance of hood and ghetto mentalities in an effort to "keep it real." Uggh! And I was disgusted to hear Kevin Liles suggest that Joe Budden go to the flyest clubs...drink up...hang with the dopest honeys, etc. to create this facade to sell records. As a pioneer of Hip Hop music, I would have expected a more creative response to low record sales. And poor Joe Budden...looking like his dog died. The most enlightened segments were of Chuck D and KRS-one spitting Hip Hop philosophy, i.e. "Black death sells!" I commend VH1 (who woulda thought!?) for creating this show. I only hope that ALL viewers realize that MAINSTREAM Hip Hop, (MTV, BET, commercial radio) does not define Hip Hop culture. We are much more than "gettin' shot 9 times," "tits & ass," and "bling bling!"

I've heard the entire album. It's not love at first listen. I think I expected more lyrically. I couldn't get an anthem out of it. Mama's Gun had me mesmerized from start to finish...musically, lyrically, and vocally. For this album, I could have used some additional tracks (only 10!?). But I'm sure she'll perform the Hell outta it in concert.

Monday, September 08, 2003



I cannot understand the power of our bond.
Sometimes I feel it's unhealthy, down-rite dangerous.
Othertimes, I long for it like it's saving grace.
I've never felt anything as good as your presence.
And I don't want to imagine a moment in time when you don't exist.
There are nocturnal emissions of tears when there is no "I for you and you for me."
Let's make one...again.

Forever and always,


Black Gay Pride-Atlanta Pics!!!

Click here!

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Say it loud...I'm black and I'm PROUD!!

I did Black Gay Pride-Atlanta this weekend! I was not really interested until I spoke with EB and Jabari on Friday. And that's when it all began...

Friday: I got my hair cut into a nice light Caesar similar to my boy Pharrell's. Then I stopped by A&F for some new "college boy" threads. I frantically got dressed and then hit it to meet Jabari and Co. I pulled up to the Sheraton and that's when I remembered how fun Pride could be. The sight of MEN made me giggle at the remembrance of Prides past. Jabari and I walked around the host hotel where many of the festivities were taking place all weekend. I ran into several familiar faces and met many new ones. It's sad to say...but I really needed to hear the "Hey sexy's..." and catch the constant moments of eye contact from onlookers. It's only because I'm in this quasi-relationship (R we 2gether or not? What is this?). And sometimes one just needs a mad boost to the self-esteem! That sounds so pitiful...but it's honest. (And it's anotha entry for anotha day!) So, we then went to Club 708 which was like a block party with all of the people in the streets and APD handling crowd control! From there we walked to Bulldogs and back. During this time, I met the other characters which tell the rest of the weekend's story. Jabari's Company: Antonio I, Antonio II, Larry, Don, and Paris. I, of course, am drunk off of Skyy and smoking my Salems by this point. Everybody is meeting and greeting in the streets until the wee hours of the morning. I swear it's like mating season!

Saturday: Hangover! I didn't get outta bed until about 3pm. I, then hit it to Little 5 Points to check out the Futon Gallery for their selection of beds. (I found a really nice Mahogany bed similar to one I saw at By Design and will save about $150!) While shopping, Antonio I calls me and says that his friend Larry is interested in me. It's funny to me because he was competing hard at the Block Party to be the Alpha Male! He's actually cute though, minus the gray contacts. But I wasn't interested in any sexual escapades. I then go over to this music shop I discovered accidentally once before in L5P. I met the owner, a girl working promotions, and DJ Rahdu who promised to take me under their wings and educate me on the truth of Soul music. I felt like a kid in a candy store with all of the musical possibilities. Commercial radio, MTV and BET are beginning to kill me softly. But I was glad to hear so many good samples on Mary's album as a throwback to what it used to be. (Anotha entry for anotha day...) Back 2 da weekend...later that night I met up with the crew again and we all did the block party at Traxx. The crowd was out of control. Shouts out to CJ with the card table and impromtu game of 3-hand Spades (whoever heard of that!?) and the DC BBQ stand (the chicken sandwich and jumbo cocktail was right!)

Sunday: I had no intention of going out. But Jabari talked me into meeting them at the hotel. The conversation persuaded me to The Lion's Den with Paris and Don while he went to Club 708 with Kevin and Sommore. At The Lion's Den, the crowd was so thick and people exiting were complaining about the heat, e.g. Carlos. I was in no mood for discomfort, so I didn't go in. But I was glad to see people leaving with autographed pictures of Kelly Price and Latocha Scott. I'm sure its hard to find mainstream artists to play black gay clubs. But I guess artists are beginning to appreciate and recognize their demographic following.

Monday: Film festival! The crew critiqued Enrique Cruz's Hardcore! Hilarious! I, personally, loved it! I was actually interested and attempting to follow the storyline and cast of characters. "Bust Papi! Word!" The sex scenes were not disappointments either. Some were even like infatuated love-making, which is surprising to see in XXX features. And I am sufficed to say that "Thuggism" still leads black/Latino gay erotica and this film tops Cruz's previous endeavors, i.e. Off da Hook and Aprende, in that genre. After the film festival, the crew stopped by a pool party and The Palace before concluding the busy weekend.

Now, it's back to reality. The lows after the highs. But it's all good. Until we meet again...