Thursday, August 28, 2003

I would like to thank the Academy...

VMA's tonite! Gotta catch the red carpet.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I'm coming out...{Coming!}...I want the world to know...

I'm still at work playing on the computer. John Coltrane serenading in the background. I want a cigarette badly. I've been munching on office birthday cake all day. There is nothing like vanilla cake with buttercream icing and sprinkles all up in it. Jesus! I need to work out when I get home. And that has nothing to do with the cake. Just a coincidental thought. I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I was doing very well. My poor muscles have shriveled up. I had begun to enjoy the swell. Sanya even asked me at the wedding Sunday if I had lost weight. And that comment sent me on an emotional decline. Why must I have body image issues? I guess it's all of the hard bodies out today. I gotta compete...Darwin's Survival of the Fittest is at play!

I just got sidetracked writing this blog by a quick glimpse at the homepages of two of the most popular porn sites for black and latino gay men. I was having a conversation with someone (I can't even remember who) and we were talking about how back in the day when we were first coming out and how Enrique Cruz (Lamancha at the time) and Streetlife made it all possible for us to see people more like ourselves who have same sex attraction. When you are first coming out, you sometimes still harbour homophobic stereotypical classifications whereby you demonize gay stereotypes in an effort to say, "I ain't gay! See, I ain't no faggot!" The realization that one could be masculine and gay was epiphanic to me. that I have recovered from my naivete' I've learned what "gay for pay" and "character acting" are. But in the end, it is my hope that we all finally realize that we all are gay...the masculine and the effeminate (group hugz). Nobody is better than the other...despite the status quo and what society may tell us.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Real love...I'm searching for a real love...

Today, it's all about Mary!

Monday, August 25, 2003


The wedding was beautiful. Straight outta Coming to America. But I've been in deep thought ever sense the lovely couple leaped across the threshold.

At the reception, I sat at one of the Xavier alumni tables with four attractive educated single black female classmates: one an engineer, three completing their last years of medical/optometry school. I listened as each exchanged cordial "how are you's" and "what's going on's" which led to my understanding of the sad realities that they face when it comes to the prospect of marriage in the black community. It was disheartening to hear them speak of all of the obstacles they face due to the "good black man shortage":

1. Dating blue collar (Do I have to settle for any ol' man?)
2. Baby mama drama (Is it inevitable?)
3. The nonexistent opportunities to date within their local communities ("How are the men in DC? Atlanta? Chicago? I gotta find ME a man!")
4. Educated black men relentlessly playing the field (Why not? It's so easy to do!)
5. Subtracting incarcerated and gay men from the already minuscule pool

Then to further complicate matters, I invited Danielle and Sanya to go to The Lion's Den with Carl and me. At first, it was about going out to dance and having a few drinks since we didn't get to do that at the wedding reception. Plus, they always said that they wanted to see the "scene." And I, personally, think that every straight black person should open their minds and experience black gay life. It is reality. However, it concerned them even more to realize that they probably would never be able to tell if a man is gay or straight. And I was left speechless...unable to comfort them with a response. Simply because I know the lives that we, socially and culturally stigmatized black gay men, lead.

Friday, August 22, 2003

Happy Holidaze!

Danielle and Sanya are coming to Atlanta for Tiffany's wedding this weekend! We have not all been together since our days back at Xavier from 96-00. I went to DC a few times to see Sanya. Danielle came to see me in New York a couple of times...but nothing more than that. I'm so anxious!

It's Friday! I'm sorta broke! What kind of weekend can I create? The wedding's not until Sunday evening, so that gives me plenty of time to do me. Actually, I don't really care what happens as long as either tonight or Saturday night I am lushed off of some Skyy with a few Salem Ultralights complementing my exuberance! No shame in my addictions!

Oh yeah...there is that Mary listening party tonight...

Next weekend is Black Gay Pride in Atlanta. I am so surprised by my lack of excitement. Is it the fact that my good sistahs, Troy and Chad, aren't coming and Carl is going to Miami!? Where oh where is my enthusiasm for da homo thugs and gangsta princesses!? I guess I should attend more of the ITLA events this year instead of the club scene which is what I am actually tired of experiencing.

***I am really talking shit right now*** Ain't nothing like being up in Traxx during the Holidaze!

Thursday, August 21, 2003

I Can't Get No Satisfaction...

Do we ever reach a point where we are self-satisfied? Will there ever be that day when I can sit back and just simply exhale? Life is so damn demanding. One hurdle after another. Where is fulfillment? I guess the eternal point of satisfaction comes with death. Ain't shit to worry about then!

EB's facing hardship. It seems to be contagious these days. But the question is, what about that bullshit they call Karma? If you have to struggle to get from point A to point bad Karma the struggle or good Karma reaching point B!? I mean, I know hella people who have been evil or simply lackadaisically living...yet it is my perception that they don't know rivers.

Nevertheless, I was talking to a coworker today about growing up in the rural south. We were seriously the point where you get that blank stare where your eyes don't blink for like 45 seconds! I thought my cousins and I were the only ones who used to go out in the damn wildnerness and eat sour grass ("sour cuz of dog piss"), honeysuckles (tearing up a damn flower for a drop of nector the size of a pin head), wild blackberries (a rattlesnake's home) and plums (shaking the big juicy ones out of the top of the tree).

Now, that's self-satisfaction.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003


I have now discovered a new fascination...blogging! This is quite surprising for a person such as myself. Things can spark my interest for wee moments of time and then they become, "Oh, so passe!" But the premise...the idea...of an "online journal" is just so damn intriguing. It's very Carrie Bradshaw. A little introspective thought ain't hurt nobody. Plus, I was momentarily on Friendster checking the "Gallery" of Unknowns whose lives seem superficially so much more enticing than my own (the root of my fascination with blogging). But then I thought about it..."not true, not true" (Whitney's response in the Diane Sawyer interview) so here I am. Enjoy!

It is like 98 humid degrees in Atlanta and why did I find myself standing on the corner of Little 5 Points doing short surveys for work. I mean, in this kind of heat, who the Hell wants to answer my "five quick questions!?" And when my "five quick questions" consist of questions concerning sexuality, it gets even more "heated." But I have to catch myself. I continue to strive to be a somewhat stable secure black gay male living in America's Hip Hop era (isn't that rather oxymoronic?!). It took a MINUTE digging myself out of all of the debris! But I have lived the last seven years in New Orleans, New York City, and Atlanta (definitely gay, huh?) so I am really biased when it comes to speaking on gay issues. I have almost forgotten how dark the "closet" was! And I dispute the existence of the "DL!" So again I have to catch myself when dealing with sexuality. My psyche is not another's. But back to my exploitations in da hot ass sun...I am randomly asking these men as a part of my series of questions if they "Have ever had sex?" Then, "Have you ever had sex with a man, woman, both, neither?" Can you "taste the rainbow" spectrum of responses I was getting!? Hilarious!

Carl just informed me of a Mary J. Blige Love and Life 8-26-2003 listening party this Friday night. Omigod! "If you look at my life and see what I've seen..."