Monday, December 22, 2003

Home for da Holidaze...

Tomorrow, I'm going home to Albany, Georgia for the Holidaze. This also denotes the time of the year at which I tip-toe back into the closet...or is it the "down low!?" But I must explain, this is to no fault of my own. It is actually at my Mother's request. I feel open enough to share my world with those that inquire. And my family usually will..."You're so handsome. Look at how you've grown up. Are you dating anybody? When you gon' get married? Gotta girlfriend?" But after I told Moms the "tea" in July 2002, she demanded that I keep this between her/stepfather and my dad/stepmother. I was not to tell anyone else. I'm sure she's still going through denial and hoping that this is a phase. But I try to continually remind her with small anecdotes about my so-called black gay life. (Maybe I should send her the link to this blog!?) Out of respect, I remain asexual and ambiguous while I am at home.

In addition, I have an effeminate 10 year old male cousin who I see everytime I'm at home. It is heartwrenching to watch "corrective" demands spewed upon him by adult family members in hopes that he will butch up. Don't sit like that! Go play with the boys. Stop crying so much! In the past two years, I have gotten into heated discussions with Aunts and even my Mother in defense of Alex. I find myself caught in the middle because I can't say what I want to say due to my Mother's shame and I don't know if I even should go so far. In a sense, I do believe that Alex needs to know the way of the world, specifically rural South Georgia. Our culture is homophobic, racist, heterosexist, et al. However, a part of coming into one's self is struggling and overcoming all of that. My only point with my family is that after it's all said and done, home should be a place of refuge filled with love, respect, and adoration after fighting with society's ills. One shouldn't have to go out into the world and fight demons and then come home and put up another Hellish fight with family. I want the family to accept and support Alex where he is now and for the person that he will grow up to be.

Nevertheless, I have invited my 18 year old brother and 16 year old sister to come back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I never get to spend much time with them anymore. They grew up so fast. And sometimes it's hard to accept how much they admire me. They're so excited at the idea of visiting through New Year's. I'll get to watch my brother raid my closet and drape himself in old A/X, FCUK, A&F, and vintage pieces while looking like the last Metrosexual. My sister will just hang on to every word that comes out of my mouth, while being an observing and absorbing shadow.

Happy Holidaze!!!

No comments: