Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Trial of the Century

Claire from SprintPCS: You have one new message. Message one:
Ol' Piece: What the Hell is going on? You owe me an explanation. What was this morning about? I don't get you. Your attitude is intolerable. You got issues, man. Exhale into the receiver... And I figured you wouldn't answer your phone. This has been a waste of time.
me: (thinking) If one more person tells me about my attitude!?!? What the f*ck!? Am I...? I'll reflect on that later...

Email to Ol' Piece

Ol' Piece,

You continue to amaze me with your cluelessness!!! You said, "I owe you an explanation!?" Huh!?

Last night before you finally went to bed, you asked "Are you still mad?" To me, this denotes some wrongdoing or discernment of unresolved issues. Therefore, you're not as baffled as you're making yourself seem.

For the record, let me break it down for you:

1. On yesterday, you made arrangements for dinner of some sort. You never finalized those plans.

2. You showed up unannounced around 11pm with an attitude about work issues unrelated to me. I tolerated it.

3. You left around 11:30pm to get YOURSELF something to eat. What happened to dinner?

4. You returned at 4:00am from Thugged Out Tuesday wide eyed and bushy tailed and disturbing my sleep. Your response, "You're normally up around this time!" No, YOU'RE normally up around that time. I go to bed when I am not up entertaining you.

5. You proceed to rumble around the apartment in and out of the and out of the bathroom...making phone calls...turning lights on...all while I was trying to go back to sleep. How respectful was that? Was it in retribution for not hopping out of bed when you arrived?

6. I wake up this morning and you are all covered with my blanket. I only have the sheet. And that's not coincidental!

In addition, it seems as though boundaries were crossed and miscommunicated. I mistakenly gave you an all-access pass to my apartment. Do you not realize the countless number of days you spent the night, took showers, cooked/ate, watched tv, washed clothes, etc.? You even had in/out priveledges because many times I was not even home! Do you not realize the number of times you loaded the dishwasher, cleaned out the oven, washed out the tub, made the bed, vaccumed the floor, etc.? I do. Zero! Unfortunately, sleeping to 3pm daily and not even getting up to wash a dish is unattractive to me. I made the mistake of allowing you to lay up all day long (alone if I went to work) and not making it clear that we were not roommates and that MY name was on the lease. Simply put, you got too comfortable.

Nevertheless, don't feel like you've wasted your time. I know I didn't. I enjoyed getting to know you. I still think you're a great person. In our first real conversation you asked, "What turns you off?" I replied, "Laziness/lack of ambition and people who are caught up in the 'top/bottom' issue of sex" amongst other things. Those are two issues that we have DEFINITELY dealt with. Whether we overcame them or not is questionable. I guess that is the real reason why we are where we're at. I promise you that anytime that you've felt that I've had an "attitude problem," I could trace it back to one of those issues. I guess the question then becomes, did I communicate those issues well. Probably not. I know I made plenty of comments related to laziness and we had numerous tugs of war as it related to I know I tried.

Other than that, I don't know what else to say...

The Rebuttal:


I am amazed at just how much of an asshole you can be.

Lack of ambition, laziness...Those are not words that can be used to desribe me.

And how many times have I, without thanks gone to the grocery store to keep something in YOUR refrigerator.

Now, about dinner last night. I didn't get my money so I couldn't take you out or pick something up. And I went out by myself because I never seem to be able to talk to you about how I am feeling and what is bothering me, so I wind up having to deal with them on my own.

In the beginning you said something to me...."if you want something done, you had better do it yourself." You swear that none of this was you.

The top and bottom shit, could have been worked out, but I am glad that I didn't let that shit happen. You definitely didn't derserve that from me. You can find someone else to blast at, and then turnaround and try and have.

See, you are so good at picking out someone elses faults but, what have you done lately. And the open access to your place...thanks.... You must not think I am really a great person...check the insults in your previous email.

Deal with the shit that's real, and stop avoiding it. You are mad because I came in and turned on lights and tried to wake you up? I remember you doing me the same way, but you actually got my full attention. Yea, I was drunk and I wanted to be with you, but as usual your feelings comes first. You need someone who is going to keep score and count the things you do and don't do. The problem is, I am not that person. You need someone who doesn't mind being molded and transformed. Again, I am not the one. You need someone who is going to just accept your shit with a smile.... Once again, I am not the one. You need someone you can talk down to and looked down on; not this one.

You will be by yourself until you learn to give a little homie, and that has nothing to do with access to your apartment. You need to learn that not everyone is out to get you. I will tell you this, I have been who you are now, and I didn't understand why I couldn't keep people around me. My friends were there but no one else was. I was fucking and shit, but that's about it...I couldn't get them to stick around past that. You are cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, selfish, unhappy, and very confused. I may be "clueless", but I am in no way thoughtless.

Welcome to your future....And to think, I really was thinking that I could be with you long term. I guess GOD does reveal things to you right on time......

The Cross Examination

Ol' Piece,

You asked for an explanation. What I wrote previously is as blunt as I could make what is running through my mind right now...asshole or not!?

Yes, you went to the grocery store...FOR YOU!!! Aside from several 2-liter Kroger sodas, most things purchased were for your own consumption. I don't really like pizza, candy, or bread...remember?

Did you try to talk about what you were feeling last night or did you run away? Not once did you explain the dinner situation. Was I supposed to psychically find out that you didn't get your money? I would have paid for dinner. I was waiting on you, hungrily.

I have no regrets about anything that we did sexually.

My faults:

Do you prefer I go on?

You were drunk and wanted to be with me? Explaining #'s 1-6 from the previous email would have been a great aphrodisiac.

I don't need anyone to keep score. I do that fine myself. :-)

Mold and transform are such strong words. To me, it's just compromise and agreements.

I don't need anyone to accept my shit and smile. If I'm right, I'm right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I need someone of comparable strength and tenacity to point these things out.

I don't need someone to talk down to or look down upon. If that were the case, I would be satisfied with the lazy/less ambitious person.

And my most recent problems have been related to getting people to NOT stick around, i.e. restraining orders.

"cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, selfish, unhappy, and very confused" seems a little too harsh. But I'll marinate on it.

Finally, I think you are a wonderful person. Truly I do. Although we've bumped heads on most issues that we've discussed, I too felt as though I was putting up with alot. You are worthwhile. And I am still open to you. I don't know what the problem is with our communication. Alot of what I've said has been on my mind but I never quite wanted to say it for fear of being "cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, and selfish." Should I shut up, hold it in, drink, go to the club or bitch? I've done it all.

I fear we may have moved too fast without getting to know each other. Shit, I don't know.

Closing Argument


I know that you are not the person that I tend to get. Compromise is not what you seek. You seek to make me something that I am not. Lazy, I will tell you this; there are several things that I could be doing with my day and nights, but the fact that I play and coach is what I want to be doing right now. That doesn't make me less ambitous and definitely doesn't make me lazy. I owe it to myself to do what I feel is right for me. I am the only person I live for.

I am so sorry for not making it clear what was wrong with me, but I was bothered by our phone conversations. I will not lie to you and say that I am over you. You are so important to me and I only wanted to make you happy, but it always seemed to come at my expense. I didn't know that the things I was doing bothered you. I wish that I could wave a wand and make shit right for us, but I don't know how to baby. Communication is our big problem. I am missing what you want me to see, and you are definitely missing me on levels. I just want you to be calm and real with me. If I piss you off that much then we should not be around each other at all. I need a healthy amount of reading, but I also need to feel like you want me. I don't feel that at all. My faults are not something that I have thought about, and that's absolutely crazy, but its the truth. I have spent so much time blaming you and being mad at you, that I missed my time in the mirror. I am very non confrontational now, and that is so not me. I would rather run away from issues with people than deal with them.

I am very sorry for the things I haven't done, but you are still an asshole...

All I can say is...touche'

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