Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I'm coming out...{Coming!}...I want the world to know...

I'm still at work playing on the computer. John Coltrane serenading in the background. I want a cigarette badly. I've been munching on office birthday cake all day. There is nothing like vanilla cake with buttercream icing and sprinkles all up in it. Jesus! I need to work out when I get home. And that has nothing to do with the cake. Just a coincidental thought. I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I was doing very well. My poor muscles have shriveled up. I had begun to enjoy the swell. Sanya even asked me at the wedding Sunday if I had lost weight. And that comment sent me on an emotional decline. Why must I have body image issues? I guess it's all of the hard bodies out today. I gotta compete...Darwin's Survival of the Fittest is at play!

I just got sidetracked writing this blog by a quick glimpse at the homepages of two of the most popular porn sites for black and latino gay men. I was having a conversation with someone (I can't even remember who) and we were talking about how back in the day when we were first coming out and how Enrique Cruz (Lamancha at the time) and Streetlife made it all possible for us to see people more like ourselves who have same sex attraction. When you are first coming out, you sometimes still harbour homophobic stereotypical classifications whereby you demonize gay stereotypes in an effort to say, "I ain't gay! See, I ain't no faggot!" The realization that one could be masculine and gay was epiphanic to me. that I have recovered from my naivete' I've learned what "gay for pay" and "character acting" are. But in the end, it is my hope that we all finally realize that we all are gay...the masculine and the effeminate (group hugz). Nobody is better than the other...despite the status quo and what society may tell us.

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