Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Who Can I Run To?--Jones Girls

Break it down
I don't want nobody else to hear the sound
This love is a private affair
Interrupt the flow, no you better not dare
We got to break it on down
--Tevin Campbell

I was so in love with Tevin Campbell in the early 90's. He was my first gay crush. Instinct told me at such a young age that he was me and I was him. I felt hurt and betrayed by the incident in LA, but I forgave him.

me: You didn't have to do that.
tevin: It's hard...See, you just don't understand...I can't be like you.
me: I never asked you to be.
tevin: The industry is so jaded.
me: Live for you, not them.
tevin: I know, I got caught up. The drugs, secrecy, image...
me: (looking at the floor) I guess...
tevin: Things are different for me now. Look at me.
me: (looking up)
tevin: I'm sorry.

That's my fantasy. In reality, the dating game continues...

I have seen Jamaica out at all of the clubs that I frequent. It's funny how I never remembered meeting him and now I see him everywhere that I go. We cordially speak. The phone calls have ceased. I don't think either of us are disappointed. Plus, he's always in somebody's face anyway. And me, likewise. Another one bites the dust...

Baby Boy
Baby Boy calls me incessantly. I stopped answering the phone. I know he continues to call because my absence seems abrupt. When I did answer the phone he was always with his friends and either there was loud music or loud cackling in the background which proved quite annoying. But the honest to God truth is that I cannot handle his age. Intimacy, conversation, and recreation are all challenged because of the age gap. So what's the point in it?

Ol' Piece
"We Meet Again...
We met months ago. We talked. Things became rather standoffish. You saw me out with a date...twice. We stopped speaking. I ran into you again on Saturday. You "lost my number." Now we're reacquainted. Why do you prefer to text message me, rather than call? How do I tell you that I'm "in this situation?" Could we be? Will we ever know? Call me
."--HypnotiqOne 9-15-2003

We never did talk after that. I met him once again right before Christmas at Club Colours. The Ol' Piece and I talked throughout the holidays. I explained that I had just gotten out of a relationship, which was the cause for the sporadic communication.

Now we're going through the awkwardness of figuring each other out. I already sense that he might be prone to being inconsiderate, eg. Choosing to go to El Chaparral after The Lion's Den even when I said I didn't want to go and reneging on other plans without prior notice.

In addition, I foresee an issue with sexual preference. I have never dated a "top." To be honest, I was surprised when he insinuated that he was such a thing. When we're "messing around," I try to read his body language, but it gets even more perplexing for me. (I proclaim to be "versatile" to avoid this type of situation.) Nevertheless, "top/bottomism" is about more than who's penis is going in who's ass. There are certain behaviors and beliefs that coexist. When we're "laying up," I want you to acknowledge that I have a dick too and it provides me just as much pleasure as yours does for you. Now touch it, suck it, do something! Stop grinding on me for God's sake! And Boo, it's okay to lay on your back and simply receive my affection. I'm not gonna slip my dick up in you, damn! But I know that too many times men attribute who's fucking who to dominance in the relationship and masculinity/femininity. But I don't believe that! Relax!

Me and Ol' Piece will just continue this power struggle until one of us gives in. And I don't mind "letting him get it," but I won't be comfortable enough until there is a resolution or a compromise about where we both stand relating to sex.

I'll try to bring up the topic tonight. He coaches a girls' volleyball team and they have a game. So I'll be there, like an NBA wife, supporting my man.

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