Two Thousand and Four
Can you imagine the Holiday season without drama? I couldn't. But I experienced it. To my surprise, all of my family were on their best behavior. I suppose that this lesson in etiquette is due to the tumultuous fiasco that erupted over Thanksgiving. (I, luckily, was not involved due to a trip to NYC. But I heard about it all!) I would like to think that the "No More Drama-esque" Holiday season was also an effect of my aura of warmth and affection that's just too infectious to be denied by all in my company. My halo's luminescence brightens... I literally hopped from house to house throughout the whole 4 day trip. And ur'body's doing fine...
Mommie Dearest
Moms didn't bring up my "lifestyle" not one time. But I don't know if that's good or bad!? When I first got home, I walked by the television in the den and noticed the complete anthology of Tyler Perry classics.
me: Whatchu know bout Madea?
moms: This is the funniest thing I have ever seen!
me: Who told you about Tyler Perry?
moms: So and so had Madea's Family Reunion and told me to watch it. I have never cried laughing so hard.
me: I'm surprised you like it!
I see the Tyler Perry gospel stage plays as religious satire ("playing church"), drag (Tyler Perry as Madea), and overt sexuality (scantily clad male characters with wanton female counterparts). And these are the last things that I thought would be "funny" to Moms. I guess she's becoming more open minded!?
Young-One
Alex has really grown up. Maybe a little too much. His mother (my aunt) had an after Christmas get together at her house. All of the kids were in Alex's room with the PS2 while he was with all the grown folk gossiping. Periodically, he would go into his room only to return reporting what the other kids were doing. Jay is jumping on my bed. Kory's eating in my room. He's such a cliche--a Tattle Tell.
Nevertheless, I forgot how old Alex was as I began asking him questions about one of his mother's friends, Pretty Boy. I was exiting the door when Pretty Boy and a cute female arrived at the house. He didn't speak. We just looked at each other blankly. It was that look that says, Me: "Who are you? Him: "No, who are you?" The party was a mix of family and my aunt's friends. Neither groups really intermixed, strangely enough. So during one of my trips to the bar for Martell, my Aunt stopped me and introduced me to her friends, including Pretty Boy. The haze was lifted. I laughed and smiled as he referenced old skool samples in the Hip Hip that was playing courtesy of DMX Music. But suffice it to say, he wasn't as eligible as I thought he may have been thanks to all of the intel I got from Alex.
Alex also received the same cell phone that I have from Santa. Why a 10 year old needs a cell phone, I don't know!? And now he calls me every 2-3 days. I have began to let him leave me voicemails...
Alex: Hey, I was just calling to ask you who you thought was crazier Jessica Simpson or Ally Hilfiger? Call me back. Love you.
Sibling Rivalry
My lil' sister opted to go to NYC for Christmas with other family members in hopes that she would return in time to visit Atlanta too. It didn't work out. So I brought my brother and my 18 year old cousin back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I told myself that I would have a "conversation" with them to see where their headz were at concerning homosexuality. After cappucinoes at Apres Diem, I told them what I wasn't supposed to tell them. And it was met with a settling, "we already know..." Whew! Now let's move on.
Since then, I have probably shared my whole world with them. They met Gianni and Q. I have answered so many FAQ's that I'm ready to retire from being the poster boy.
Once again, the moral of the story is that I should stop being surprised by how people really don't give a f*ck about sexuality if you give them the opportunity to digest it.
All in all, I think that this is going to be a happy new year!
Monday, December 22, 2003
Home for da Holidaze...
Tomorrow, I'm going home to Albany, Georgia for the Holidaze. This also denotes the time of the year at which I tip-toe back into the closet...or is it the "down low!?" But I must explain, this is to no fault of my own. It is actually at my Mother's request. I feel open enough to share my world with those that inquire. And my family usually will..."You're so handsome. Look at how you've grown up. Are you dating anybody? When you gon' get married? Gotta girlfriend?" But after I told Moms the "tea" in July 2002, she demanded that I keep this between her/stepfather and my dad/stepmother. I was not to tell anyone else. I'm sure she's still going through denial and hoping that this is a phase. But I try to continually remind her with small anecdotes about my so-called black gay life. (Maybe I should send her the link to this blog!?) Out of respect, I remain asexual and ambiguous while I am at home.
In addition, I have an effeminate 10 year old male cousin who I see everytime I'm at home. It is heartwrenching to watch "corrective" demands spewed upon him by adult family members in hopes that he will butch up. Don't sit like that! Go play with the boys. Stop crying so much! In the past two years, I have gotten into heated discussions with Aunts and even my Mother in defense of Alex. I find myself caught in the middle because I can't say what I want to say due to my Mother's shame and I don't know if I even should go so far. In a sense, I do believe that Alex needs to know the way of the world, specifically rural South Georgia. Our culture is homophobic, racist, heterosexist, et al. However, a part of coming into one's self is struggling and overcoming all of that. My only point with my family is that after it's all said and done, home should be a place of refuge filled with love, respect, and adoration after fighting with society's ills. One shouldn't have to go out into the world and fight demons and then come home and put up another Hellish fight with family. I want the family to accept and support Alex where he is now and for the person that he will grow up to be.
Nevertheless, I have invited my 18 year old brother and 16 year old sister to come back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I never get to spend much time with them anymore. They grew up so fast. And sometimes it's hard to accept how much they admire me. They're so excited at the idea of visiting through New Year's. I'll get to watch my brother raid my closet and drape himself in old A/X, FCUK, A&F, and vintage pieces while looking like the last Metrosexual. My sister will just hang on to every word that comes out of my mouth, while being an observing and absorbing shadow.
Happy Holidaze!!!
Tomorrow, I'm going home to Albany, Georgia for the Holidaze. This also denotes the time of the year at which I tip-toe back into the closet...or is it the "down low!?" But I must explain, this is to no fault of my own. It is actually at my Mother's request. I feel open enough to share my world with those that inquire. And my family usually will..."You're so handsome. Look at how you've grown up. Are you dating anybody? When you gon' get married? Gotta girlfriend?" But after I told Moms the "tea" in July 2002, she demanded that I keep this between her/stepfather and my dad/stepmother. I was not to tell anyone else. I'm sure she's still going through denial and hoping that this is a phase. But I try to continually remind her with small anecdotes about my so-called black gay life. (Maybe I should send her the link to this blog!?) Out of respect, I remain asexual and ambiguous while I am at home.
In addition, I have an effeminate 10 year old male cousin who I see everytime I'm at home. It is heartwrenching to watch "corrective" demands spewed upon him by adult family members in hopes that he will butch up. Don't sit like that! Go play with the boys. Stop crying so much! In the past two years, I have gotten into heated discussions with Aunts and even my Mother in defense of Alex. I find myself caught in the middle because I can't say what I want to say due to my Mother's shame and I don't know if I even should go so far. In a sense, I do believe that Alex needs to know the way of the world, specifically rural South Georgia. Our culture is homophobic, racist, heterosexist, et al. However, a part of coming into one's self is struggling and overcoming all of that. My only point with my family is that after it's all said and done, home should be a place of refuge filled with love, respect, and adoration after fighting with society's ills. One shouldn't have to go out into the world and fight demons and then come home and put up another Hellish fight with family. I want the family to accept and support Alex where he is now and for the person that he will grow up to be.
Nevertheless, I have invited my 18 year old brother and 16 year old sister to come back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I never get to spend much time with them anymore. They grew up so fast. And sometimes it's hard to accept how much they admire me. They're so excited at the idea of visiting through New Year's. I'll get to watch my brother raid my closet and drape himself in old A/X, FCUK, A&F, and vintage pieces while looking like the last Metrosexual. My sister will just hang on to every word that comes out of my mouth, while being an observing and absorbing shadow.
Happy Holidaze!!!
Friday, December 19, 2003
I'm a Visual Mathemetician...
TSB sent me an Emode link to test my IQ. Usually, I abhor such "tests" and "quizzes" but I decided to take this one. Plus, in the art and essence of competition (the link was sent to the other members of The Fab Ones--my three best friends) I eagerly submitted my answers to the website.
I scored a 124...but I don't know what that really means without paying $14.95 to get the personalized 15-page IQ report. Ugghh!! All the website told me was:
"This means you are gifted at spotting patterns -- both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction -- especially in the workplace."--Emode
Whatever...
TSB sent me an Emode link to test my IQ. Usually, I abhor such "tests" and "quizzes" but I decided to take this one. Plus, in the art and essence of competition (the link was sent to the other members of The Fab Ones--my three best friends) I eagerly submitted my answers to the website.
I scored a 124...but I don't know what that really means without paying $14.95 to get the personalized 15-page IQ report. Ugghh!! All the website told me was:
"This means you are gifted at spotting patterns -- both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction -- especially in the workplace."--Emode
Whatever...
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Looking For Mr. Goodbar--Judith Rossner
Here's an update to my quest for companionship...(that sounds so pitiful)
Men4Now
I'm thinking about retiring my Men4Now profile. Every other person on there complains about people using fake pictures on their profiles. That's so interesting to me. What are people's intentions when they finally meet someone and the truth is revealed!? I've met two people from this website. I was not deceived by any of their images online, luckily. I had lunch with one and I stopped by the other one's house on my way home from work one night. They were...okay. It's a totally different dynamic when you leave cyberland and enter the real world. It just wasn't as passionate once we were in one another's company. So both fizzled...
Gay.com
I met two White guys! That was a first for me. A coworker of mine (black female) told me that she sees me with a white boy. I was haunted by that statement for two days. What did she mean by that? I asked her and she replied, "I don't know. I just see you dating white guys." As a person who likes challenges, I went for it on Gay.com. Total busts! I felt like I betrayed Harriet, Sojourner, DuBois, Sista Souljah, and all of the African diaspora! I conversed as pleasantly as possible and promised to call them both later. I have too many issues right now for me to take it there.
Baby Boy
Baby Boy and I talk daily. We've had several "sleepovers" (I ask my Mama if he can spend the night...lol) and I've found myself becoming attached. I am very cautious though. I have to remind myself that he's basically still a kid. A "house kid" at that. I discovered through conversation that he is an active participant in Atlanta's gay ballroom scene. And I don't usually involve myself with gang bangers. I don't want to be too judgemental, so only time will tell.
Jamaica
Jamaica called me the following night after we met.
Jamaica: I'm sorry about last night.
me: (playing dumb) What for?
Jamaica: I don't know, but you seemed upset when you left.
me: Don't worry about it. It was my fault. I was so tired last night.
We have been playing phone tag since that conversation.
And the saga continues...
Here's an update to my quest for companionship...(that sounds so pitiful)
Men4Now
I'm thinking about retiring my Men4Now profile. Every other person on there complains about people using fake pictures on their profiles. That's so interesting to me. What are people's intentions when they finally meet someone and the truth is revealed!? I've met two people from this website. I was not deceived by any of their images online, luckily. I had lunch with one and I stopped by the other one's house on my way home from work one night. They were...okay. It's a totally different dynamic when you leave cyberland and enter the real world. It just wasn't as passionate once we were in one another's company. So both fizzled...
Gay.com
I met two White guys! That was a first for me. A coworker of mine (black female) told me that she sees me with a white boy. I was haunted by that statement for two days. What did she mean by that? I asked her and she replied, "I don't know. I just see you dating white guys." As a person who likes challenges, I went for it on Gay.com. Total busts! I felt like I betrayed Harriet, Sojourner, DuBois, Sista Souljah, and all of the African diaspora! I conversed as pleasantly as possible and promised to call them both later. I have too many issues right now for me to take it there.
Baby Boy
Baby Boy and I talk daily. We've had several "sleepovers" (I ask my Mama if he can spend the night...lol) and I've found myself becoming attached. I am very cautious though. I have to remind myself that he's basically still a kid. A "house kid" at that. I discovered through conversation that he is an active participant in Atlanta's gay ballroom scene. And I don't usually involve myself with gang bangers. I don't want to be too judgemental, so only time will tell.
Jamaica
Jamaica called me the following night after we met.
Jamaica: I'm sorry about last night.
me: (playing dumb) What for?
Jamaica: I don't know, but you seemed upset when you left.
me: Don't worry about it. It was my fault. I was so tired last night.
We have been playing phone tag since that conversation.
And the saga continues...
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
It's getting late...Why you gotta be here?--Floetry
12:49am Cell phone rings...
me: Hello?
Unknown caller: Wassup?
me: Nothing...what's goin on?
Unknown caller: Nothing
me: (clearing my throat) I'm sorry...who is this?
Unknown caller: Jamaica...we met at Colours.
me: Okay...(silence)...when?
Jamaica: You wrote your number on a napkin. Home and cell...
me: What do you look like?
Jamaica: Light skin Jamaican from Jersey...buck sixty...six feet tall...
me: Hmmm...I don't remember meeting anyone...When was this?
Jamaica: It's been a minute...my moms passed...i went back to Jersey.
me: Okay...I don't remember...so wassup?
Jamaica: What time you work tomorrow?
me: Going in around noon. why?
Jamaica: I thought we could get together. Get some tea.
me: (thinking to myself: "Just like a damn Jamaican wanting some damn tea at this time of night") At one in the morning?
Jamaica: I mean we can meet up and figure it out.
me: I don't even remember you.
Jamaica: You will when you see me...promise
me: (smiling and laughing like a naive lil' girl) Whatever, yo.
Jamaica: I live in Lil' 5 Points
Jamaica's house phone rings in the background. I am put on hold for approximately 6 minutes as he answers. Why I hold? I don't know. Something is intriguing me.
Jamaica: Sorry. My best friend is going through something. You rolling through?
me: I don't know. Directions? Lemme take a shower. I'll call you back.
TSB: Hello?
me: Hey!
TSB: I called you earlier...
me: (interrupts) Why this guy called me saying I gave him my number at Colours and I have no recollection of any said guy?
TSB: You are so tired...
me: I need to stop drinking so much. Well, he asked me to stop by...
TSB: But you don't remember him...
me: Well, I haven't been as active as you and Gianni these pass two weeks, so...
TSB: Whatever! This could be a set up!
me: What?
TSB: The Ex...
me: You stupid! Why you trying to scare me?
TSB: (laughter)
me: Umma take a shower and pray on it and call you back...
TSB: (more laughter)
1:40am Driving to Jamaica's house. Baby Boy calls, I don't answer. The mystery has me excited. I arrive and he greets me with housephone to ear and beckons me inside. I DO NOT remember him. He's just as he described...cute in an average kind of way...accent a bit thicker in person. I sit on the couch. He continues the phone conversation. I watch CNN for about 10 minutes when he pauses to see the Strom Thurman/Black daughter story with commentary with whomever he is on the phone with. I listen too. Segment ends. His conversation continues.
me: (TSB's voicemail) I made it. That's "tired" that you're not answering your phone, but I'm safe.
I look at the decor of the apartment noticing family photos, mail on the coffee table, how all of the lights are on, the huge safari plants, and the smell of Patchouli inscense. Finally he tells the caller that he's being rude. (duh!) It is approaching 2:30am and he begins to tell me about his friend's drama...blah...blah...blah. And then he also tells me about his brother driving into Atlanta from Alabama at that moment and he is up waiting for his arrival. I listen. Then he gets quiet. We both stare at the television out of awkardness. I think to myself, If he makes a sexual move I guess I will cooperate...he's kinda cute...DAMN I'm tired...why am I here?... Then he tosses a napkin on my left knee. Sure enough...it's my name, home, and cell phone numbers in my very own manuscript.
me: (laughter) But I still don't remember you.
Jamaica: (laughter)
More awkward silence and television watching.
me: You're wide awake, huh?
Jamaica: Yeah, I usually work nights at the Marriott...Accounting...and I'm waiting on my brother. Are you tired?
me: (nodding yes slowly while my face is turned in the direction of the TV) Yep.
More awkward silence and television watching.
Jamaica: Are you asleep?
me: I think I dosed off.
Jamaica: You wanna call me tomorrow? I get off at 11.
me: At night?
Jamaica: Yeah.
me: That'll work.
I stumble to the door wondering why I came over to this boy's house? Then I wonder why he invited me? Inside I get angry for wasted time. He opens the door. I exit.
Jamaica: Call me when you get home.
me: (shaking my head in disgust, giving no response)
I drive home complaining about wasted time and then get in the bed and drift away. And it is only until now that I realize that I am the "tired" one for having such a low expectation for him and myself by simply considering the situation a booty call. I am so embarrassed. I probably won't call him tonight.
12:49am Cell phone rings...
me: Hello?
Unknown caller: Wassup?
me: Nothing...what's goin on?
Unknown caller: Nothing
me: (clearing my throat) I'm sorry...who is this?
Unknown caller: Jamaica...we met at Colours.
me: Okay...(silence)...when?
Jamaica: You wrote your number on a napkin. Home and cell...
me: What do you look like?
Jamaica: Light skin Jamaican from Jersey...buck sixty...six feet tall...
me: Hmmm...I don't remember meeting anyone...When was this?
Jamaica: It's been a minute...my moms passed...i went back to Jersey.
me: Okay...I don't remember...so wassup?
Jamaica: What time you work tomorrow?
me: Going in around noon. why?
Jamaica: I thought we could get together. Get some tea.
me: (thinking to myself: "Just like a damn Jamaican wanting some damn tea at this time of night") At one in the morning?
Jamaica: I mean we can meet up and figure it out.
me: I don't even remember you.
Jamaica: You will when you see me...promise
me: (smiling and laughing like a naive lil' girl) Whatever, yo.
Jamaica: I live in Lil' 5 Points
Jamaica's house phone rings in the background. I am put on hold for approximately 6 minutes as he answers. Why I hold? I don't know. Something is intriguing me.
Jamaica: Sorry. My best friend is going through something. You rolling through?
me: I don't know. Directions? Lemme take a shower. I'll call you back.
TSB: Hello?
me: Hey!
TSB: I called you earlier...
me: (interrupts) Why this guy called me saying I gave him my number at Colours and I have no recollection of any said guy?
TSB: You are so tired...
me: I need to stop drinking so much. Well, he asked me to stop by...
TSB: But you don't remember him...
me: Well, I haven't been as active as you and Gianni these pass two weeks, so...
TSB: Whatever! This could be a set up!
me: What?
TSB: The Ex...
me: You stupid! Why you trying to scare me?
TSB: (laughter)
me: Umma take a shower and pray on it and call you back...
TSB: (more laughter)
1:40am Driving to Jamaica's house. Baby Boy calls, I don't answer. The mystery has me excited. I arrive and he greets me with housephone to ear and beckons me inside. I DO NOT remember him. He's just as he described...cute in an average kind of way...accent a bit thicker in person. I sit on the couch. He continues the phone conversation. I watch CNN for about 10 minutes when he pauses to see the Strom Thurman/Black daughter story with commentary with whomever he is on the phone with. I listen too. Segment ends. His conversation continues.
me: (TSB's voicemail) I made it. That's "tired" that you're not answering your phone, but I'm safe.
I look at the decor of the apartment noticing family photos, mail on the coffee table, how all of the lights are on, the huge safari plants, and the smell of Patchouli inscense. Finally he tells the caller that he's being rude. (duh!) It is approaching 2:30am and he begins to tell me about his friend's drama...blah...blah...blah. And then he also tells me about his brother driving into Atlanta from Alabama at that moment and he is up waiting for his arrival. I listen. Then he gets quiet. We both stare at the television out of awkardness. I think to myself, If he makes a sexual move I guess I will cooperate...he's kinda cute...DAMN I'm tired...why am I here?... Then he tosses a napkin on my left knee. Sure enough...it's my name, home, and cell phone numbers in my very own manuscript.
me: (laughter) But I still don't remember you.
Jamaica: (laughter)
More awkward silence and television watching.
me: You're wide awake, huh?
Jamaica: Yeah, I usually work nights at the Marriott...Accounting...and I'm waiting on my brother. Are you tired?
me: (nodding yes slowly while my face is turned in the direction of the TV) Yep.
More awkward silence and television watching.
Jamaica: Are you asleep?
me: I think I dosed off.
Jamaica: You wanna call me tomorrow? I get off at 11.
me: At night?
Jamaica: Yeah.
me: That'll work.
I stumble to the door wondering why I came over to this boy's house? Then I wonder why he invited me? Inside I get angry for wasted time. He opens the door. I exit.
Jamaica: Call me when you get home.
me: (shaking my head in disgust, giving no response)
I drive home complaining about wasted time and then get in the bed and drift away. And it is only until now that I realize that I am the "tired" one for having such a low expectation for him and myself by simply considering the situation a booty call. I am so embarrassed. I probably won't call him tonight.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Beyonce: "I've been born to do this. I want to be a triple threat, you know? I'm able to dance, sing, act, and I also write and produce. And that's very rare. They want to say it's because of the sexy clothes or it's because whatever else. No, it's because I'm talented. And I just want to be acknowledged for that."--Dateline NBC's
"Backstage Pass" with Katie Couric
After reading about Beyonce's most recent performance from kevinrscott and then once again from keithboykin, I realize that this girl is really "letting me have it!" Each time I want to discredit this newly crowned phenom for being a product of bad/good publicity + blatant sexuality + the help of a relentless stage dad, she performs on Oprah...the Billboard awards...and even an AIDS in Africa benefit and leaves my jaw gaping in awe. I never denied the girl's talent and I have to admit that she is recreating the prototype for the total package. And if history serves itself correctly (i.e. Diana, Tina, Aretha...and Mary's dramatic rise), this could probably be the makings of a new icon. But we'll see...I must say that I fear a Ja-Rule-esque bout with over-exposure real soon though.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Baby boy you stay on my mind...Fulfill my fantasies...I think about you all the time...I see you in my dreams--Beyonce
After leaving P.A.L.S. Bingo last night, I contemplated how I would continue my efforts at being a newly divorced socialite. So I called Gianni to see if he had plans. He didn't. Nevertheless, I listened to him recount the final moments leading up to his recent disunion as I sped down Interstate 85. DRAMA!!! I listened ever so intently, carefully choosing my responses because it wasn't too long ago that I was playing the same role in another tired theatrical production of "Deez Niggaz is Crazy!" So after a lengthy conversation which did not lead to any definitive plans for recreation, Gianni decided to finish watching Gigli. (Huh!?) I let him. EB momentarily calls as Floetry's video for 'Wanna B Where U R' ends on Midnight Love. He asks if I plan to go to Halo. I had considered it. And now my interest was renewed. I was not in the mood for dressing up (Halo's a trendy spot), so I kept on my white t-shirt, jeans, PRO-Keds, and NY Mets jacket. I knew that this would be a different kind of night when EB greeted me at the bar with, "You lookin real trade-ish!?" Soon after, I ran into a Dillard alum that I hadn't seen in a minute. After two pints of Stella Artois, Dillard and I walked over to Bulldogs. I stepped it up a notch with Vodka and Cranberry. The next thing I knew, I was letting this man back "it" up and do an erotic slow wind on me as I leaned against an arcade machine. After the vertical lap dance, Dillard and I made our rounds around the bar. And that was when I noticed Baby Boy on the dancefloor. Cafe au lait, low fade, pretty, college boy kunt. He wore plaid pants in an eccentric fashionable kind of way. I pointed him out to Dillard who was working someone, unbeknowst to me, at the bar. (I could sense the body language) So I made my advance towards the dancefloor near Baby Boy until our bodies met and writhed in syncopation to a digitized Timbaland track. It felt good. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the edge of his bed watching him put his PJ's on. While sitting there, I noticed not one...not two...not three...but four different incarnations of Spongebob Squarepants.
me: So, how old are you?
Baby Boy: nineteen
me: (gagging and wondering to myself how he got into the club) Ok
me: What's with Spongebob?
Baby Boy: Just a little fascination. My friends and family always buy me Spongebob if they see him at a store or something.
me: Ok
I decided to continue robbing the cradle. I mean, what's seven years!? Age ain't nothing but a number!? Right!? Demi/Ashton!? Vivica/50 Cent!?
So after an uncomfortable few minutes kissing on his twin bed, I suggest we go back to my place. Sex was out of the question at this point, so we talked and held each other into our slumber. Morning came and went. Afternoon came and went. Evening (5:00pm), I drove him back home and I went to work. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed his company. We laughed and teased. We watched videos and even Oprah together. Conversation revealed atleast a 21 year old's maturity. So I guess, we'll just take it slow and see what happens.
After leaving P.A.L.S. Bingo last night, I contemplated how I would continue my efforts at being a newly divorced socialite. So I called Gianni to see if he had plans. He didn't. Nevertheless, I listened to him recount the final moments leading up to his recent disunion as I sped down Interstate 85. DRAMA!!! I listened ever so intently, carefully choosing my responses because it wasn't too long ago that I was playing the same role in another tired theatrical production of "Deez Niggaz is Crazy!" So after a lengthy conversation which did not lead to any definitive plans for recreation, Gianni decided to finish watching Gigli. (Huh!?) I let him. EB momentarily calls as Floetry's video for 'Wanna B Where U R' ends on Midnight Love. He asks if I plan to go to Halo. I had considered it. And now my interest was renewed. I was not in the mood for dressing up (Halo's a trendy spot), so I kept on my white t-shirt, jeans, PRO-Keds, and NY Mets jacket. I knew that this would be a different kind of night when EB greeted me at the bar with, "You lookin real trade-ish!?" Soon after, I ran into a Dillard alum that I hadn't seen in a minute. After two pints of Stella Artois, Dillard and I walked over to Bulldogs. I stepped it up a notch with Vodka and Cranberry. The next thing I knew, I was letting this man back "it" up and do an erotic slow wind on me as I leaned against an arcade machine. After the vertical lap dance, Dillard and I made our rounds around the bar. And that was when I noticed Baby Boy on the dancefloor. Cafe au lait, low fade, pretty, college boy kunt. He wore plaid pants in an eccentric fashionable kind of way. I pointed him out to Dillard who was working someone, unbeknowst to me, at the bar. (I could sense the body language) So I made my advance towards the dancefloor near Baby Boy until our bodies met and writhed in syncopation to a digitized Timbaland track. It felt good. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the edge of his bed watching him put his PJ's on. While sitting there, I noticed not one...not two...not three...but four different incarnations of Spongebob Squarepants.
me: So, how old are you?
Baby Boy: nineteen
me: (gagging and wondering to myself how he got into the club) Ok
me: What's with Spongebob?
Baby Boy: Just a little fascination. My friends and family always buy me Spongebob if they see him at a store or something.
me: Ok
I decided to continue robbing the cradle. I mean, what's seven years!? Age ain't nothing but a number!? Right!? Demi/Ashton!? Vivica/50 Cent!?
So after an uncomfortable few minutes kissing on his twin bed, I suggest we go back to my place. Sex was out of the question at this point, so we talked and held each other into our slumber. Morning came and went. Afternoon came and went. Evening (5:00pm), I drove him back home and I went to work. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed his company. We laughed and teased. We watched videos and even Oprah together. Conversation revealed atleast a 21 year old's maturity. So I guess, we'll just take it slow and see what happens.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
I love me some Oprah!
The incomparable, Oprah Winfrey, was on Larry King last night:
KING: Do you pinch yourself saying, come on, you're one of the most powerful women in the world. Maybe -- certainly in the top five. Do you ever say to yourself, wow?
WINFREY: Larry, that's a good -- no. I don't say to myself wow I'm in the top five. I don't think...
KING: I don't mean that. I mean, that you've made it.
WINFREY: I think -- I marvel every day of my life. Because first of all, I start out the day with a form of meditation or prayer. Some kind of thoughtful inward look at myself and something bigger than myself. I try to do that every day. Not just wow but marvel at this life. I mean, I was born in Mississippi in 1954. And all that means. There are people watching that knows what that means and people that don't know what that means. Well, 1954, Mississippi was the most racist state in the United States. We had more lynchings in that state per county than any state in the union. And I was born during the year of Brown vs. Board of Education which was the year that really brought about a sense of hope to then colored people. We were called at the time. To believe that life could be better. That you would no longer have to go to a school that was segregated with you having books that were less than the other children. With you not having the right -- the proper facilities and the proper tools to which to learn. I was born in that year.
KING: And now look.
WINFREY: So, when I hear Paul Simon sing "Born at the Right Time" I think, he is singing about me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CALLER: My question for you is, first of all, I just want to say that I admire what you do for people. Spiritually, if anything else. My question for you is, I'm 24. At 24, Oprah, what were you doing? Because I am lost.
WINFREY: ...I will say this, because I have god daughters and nieces who are in their 20s, and I would say that the 20s are the time when you feel the most lost. As I was saying to Larry earlier, I have kept a journal all these years, and so since I was 15, and my journal when I was 24 and 25, I go -- I look back at that journal and I weep for that woman. Because I was so pathetic. Even though I was working in news, I was so disorganized. I mean, I drove this little Chevy Chevette (ph) and my car was the junkiest car in Maryland. I would, like, roll my hair and leave the windows down, because I didn't have air conditioning.
WINFREY: ...but 24, the 20s are the time when you're finding out who you are. And so if you're ever going to be lost, 24 is the time to be seeking and finding yourself. So don't -- this is what I say to people in their 20s, don't beat yourself up about it. That's a time when you always feel like that's why this -- I remember writing in a journal once, that's why they call that show "The Young and the Restless," because you always feel like you're not doing enough, you're not getting ahead. You wish you were doing more, and why -- why aren't things more settled? They're not supposed to be in your 20s.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CALLER: I would like to ask you, what motivates you on a daily basis? What motivates you to get up everyday and do what you do.
KING: Yes, because you don't have to financially.
WINFREY: Well, I think this. I think everybody has to figure out a way -- I think the real job of your life is figuring out what is the job of your life. What is your calling? And I think everybody is called here to earth to do something special. I think there's not a person born that doesn't have a gift to offer in some way. And so, your job is not just to do what your parents say, what your teachers say, what society says, but to figure out what your heart calling is and to be led by that. And for me, from a very early age, it was talking, talking in the church. I'm grounded, you know, spiritually having been brought up through the church. But spirituality means more to me than religion or church. Knowing yourself and known there's something bigger than yourself. So, what motivates me as a human being is being able to understand that I am here and what a gift it is. What a gift. Every single day. And that's not just rhetoric or, you know, blah blah celebrity stuff. It is just, jeez. I just sometimes I...
KING: Do you ever not want to go in?
WINFREY: I never not want -- first of all, back to the question of what motivates me. What motivates me is being able to fulfilling my potential. And keep growing into myself. I finally, feel like now I'm going to be 50 so maybe I'm grown.
WINFREY: What motivates me is trying to best what I've always done. How do you get better? How do you grow better? And so...
KING: Top yourself?
WINFREY: Not even topping as much as it is fulfilling the potential. We all have great potential here on earth.
She is simply, the best.
The incomparable, Oprah Winfrey, was on Larry King last night:
KING: Do you pinch yourself saying, come on, you're one of the most powerful women in the world. Maybe -- certainly in the top five. Do you ever say to yourself, wow?
WINFREY: Larry, that's a good -- no. I don't say to myself wow I'm in the top five. I don't think...
KING: I don't mean that. I mean, that you've made it.
WINFREY: I think -- I marvel every day of my life. Because first of all, I start out the day with a form of meditation or prayer. Some kind of thoughtful inward look at myself and something bigger than myself. I try to do that every day. Not just wow but marvel at this life. I mean, I was born in Mississippi in 1954. And all that means. There are people watching that knows what that means and people that don't know what that means. Well, 1954, Mississippi was the most racist state in the United States. We had more lynchings in that state per county than any state in the union. And I was born during the year of Brown vs. Board of Education which was the year that really brought about a sense of hope to then colored people. We were called at the time. To believe that life could be better. That you would no longer have to go to a school that was segregated with you having books that were less than the other children. With you not having the right -- the proper facilities and the proper tools to which to learn. I was born in that year.
KING: And now look.
WINFREY: So, when I hear Paul Simon sing "Born at the Right Time" I think, he is singing about me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CALLER: My question for you is, first of all, I just want to say that I admire what you do for people. Spiritually, if anything else. My question for you is, I'm 24. At 24, Oprah, what were you doing? Because I am lost.
WINFREY: ...I will say this, because I have god daughters and nieces who are in their 20s, and I would say that the 20s are the time when you feel the most lost. As I was saying to Larry earlier, I have kept a journal all these years, and so since I was 15, and my journal when I was 24 and 25, I go -- I look back at that journal and I weep for that woman. Because I was so pathetic. Even though I was working in news, I was so disorganized. I mean, I drove this little Chevy Chevette (ph) and my car was the junkiest car in Maryland. I would, like, roll my hair and leave the windows down, because I didn't have air conditioning.
WINFREY: ...but 24, the 20s are the time when you're finding out who you are. And so if you're ever going to be lost, 24 is the time to be seeking and finding yourself. So don't -- this is what I say to people in their 20s, don't beat yourself up about it. That's a time when you always feel like that's why this -- I remember writing in a journal once, that's why they call that show "The Young and the Restless," because you always feel like you're not doing enough, you're not getting ahead. You wish you were doing more, and why -- why aren't things more settled? They're not supposed to be in your 20s.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CALLER: I would like to ask you, what motivates you on a daily basis? What motivates you to get up everyday and do what you do.
KING: Yes, because you don't have to financially.
WINFREY: Well, I think this. I think everybody has to figure out a way -- I think the real job of your life is figuring out what is the job of your life. What is your calling? And I think everybody is called here to earth to do something special. I think there's not a person born that doesn't have a gift to offer in some way. And so, your job is not just to do what your parents say, what your teachers say, what society says, but to figure out what your heart calling is and to be led by that. And for me, from a very early age, it was talking, talking in the church. I'm grounded, you know, spiritually having been brought up through the church. But spirituality means more to me than religion or church. Knowing yourself and known there's something bigger than yourself. So, what motivates me as a human being is being able to understand that I am here and what a gift it is. What a gift. Every single day. And that's not just rhetoric or, you know, blah blah celebrity stuff. It is just, jeez. I just sometimes I...
KING: Do you ever not want to go in?
WINFREY: I never not want -- first of all, back to the question of what motivates me. What motivates me is being able to fulfilling my potential. And keep growing into myself. I finally, feel like now I'm going to be 50 so maybe I'm grown.
WINFREY: What motivates me is trying to best what I've always done. How do you get better? How do you grow better? And so...
KING: Top yourself?
WINFREY: Not even topping as much as it is fulfilling the potential. We all have great potential here on earth.
She is simply, the best.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Big Post of Life List-The Remix-Courtesy of Negro, Please Don't Hurt 'Em!
5 things wrong in my field of vision right now:
*Reoccuring reminiscent thoughts of the Ex (That's natural, right!? It don't mean I'm backsliding. I know what's best.)
*Loss of will power to get my ass into the gym and start my Mark Jenkins workout
*Still smoking cigarettes...even through a recent bout with the flu
*Owe 2 creditors a few coins
*Procrastination...CHES certification...researching Ph.D programs
4 things you wish you had:
*A car (preferrably a Range Rover) that was born in the new millennium
*High rise condo at the Metropolis
*A singing voice that rivals Luther, Donnie, Marvin, and Stevie.
*A Love of my Life
4 smells you love:
*Ol skool Lagerfeld cologne
*"Regular" gasoline
*Fried chicken
*Leather
4 things you are thinking about:
*How hard this list actually is
*Queer Eye for the Queer Guy
*Blacks and Gay Marriage
*...I stretch my hands to Thee...Come rescue me...I need you right away...I need you now...-Smokie Norful
4 things you did today
*Gotta haircut
*Worked
*Blogged
*Chilled
5 songs of the right now:
*You don't know my name-Alicia Keys
*She is-Carl Thomas
*Through the wire-Kanye West
*Rubberband man-T.I.
*Change clothes-Jay-Z
Last thing you...
did: write this entry
read: Kanye West's bio
watched on tv: music videos on BET
Who do you want to..
kill: No one
hear from: The Ex, one of the 5 things wrong in my field of vision right now!
look like: me
be like: me
Last song you heard: Through the wire-Kanye West
Last movie you saw: Kill Bill
Last movie you saw on the big screen: Kill Bill
Last thing you had to drink: Cherry Kool-aid
Last thing you ate: Cajun fried catfish, collard greens, lima beans, baked sweet potato
Last time you cried: 12-02-2003 On the plane from NYC back to ATL...I was so sick with the flu...miserably stuck on the plane looking out the window into the heavens
Last time you danced: Last night...alone...Kelis's Milkshake video came on. Sometimes I pretend to be an Atlanta shakedancer!
Last person you hugged: Kerwin
Last thing you said: "Well, you know!? I got it like that."
Last person you talked to online: Sexxyeyes
Last thing you smelled: food
Last car ride: my car, on my way to work
Last CD played: WOW Gospel 2003
Last item bought: Vodka and cranberry at The Lion's Den
Albums played on the regular right now:
Worldwide Underground-Erykah Badu
Surrender-Kindred The Family Soul
The Diary of Alicia Keys-Alicia Keys
The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of 'Lady Sings the Blues'-Diana Ross
5 things wrong in my field of vision right now:
*Reoccuring reminiscent thoughts of the Ex (That's natural, right!? It don't mean I'm backsliding. I know what's best.)
*Loss of will power to get my ass into the gym and start my Mark Jenkins workout
*Still smoking cigarettes...even through a recent bout with the flu
*Owe 2 creditors a few coins
*Procrastination...CHES certification...researching Ph.D programs
4 things you wish you had:
*A car (preferrably a Range Rover) that was born in the new millennium
*High rise condo at the Metropolis
*A singing voice that rivals Luther, Donnie, Marvin, and Stevie.
*A Love of my Life
4 smells you love:
*Ol skool Lagerfeld cologne
*"Regular" gasoline
*Fried chicken
*Leather
4 things you are thinking about:
*How hard this list actually is
*Queer Eye for the Queer Guy
*Blacks and Gay Marriage
*...I stretch my hands to Thee...Come rescue me...I need you right away...I need you now...-Smokie Norful
4 things you did today
*Gotta haircut
*Worked
*Blogged
*Chilled
5 songs of the right now:
*You don't know my name-Alicia Keys
*She is-Carl Thomas
*Through the wire-Kanye West
*Rubberband man-T.I.
*Change clothes-Jay-Z
Last thing you...
did: write this entry
read: Kanye West's bio
watched on tv: music videos on BET
Who do you want to..
kill: No one
hear from: The Ex, one of the 5 things wrong in my field of vision right now!
look like: me
be like: me
Last song you heard: Through the wire-Kanye West
Last movie you saw: Kill Bill
Last movie you saw on the big screen: Kill Bill
Last thing you had to drink: Cherry Kool-aid
Last thing you ate: Cajun fried catfish, collard greens, lima beans, baked sweet potato
Last time you cried: 12-02-2003 On the plane from NYC back to ATL...I was so sick with the flu...miserably stuck on the plane looking out the window into the heavens
Last time you danced: Last night...alone...Kelis's Milkshake video came on. Sometimes I pretend to be an Atlanta shakedancer!
Last person you hugged: Kerwin
Last thing you said: "Well, you know!? I got it like that."
Last person you talked to online: Sexxyeyes
Last thing you smelled: food
Last car ride: my car, on my way to work
Last CD played: WOW Gospel 2003
Last item bought: Vodka and cranberry at The Lion's Den
Albums played on the regular right now:
Worldwide Underground-Erykah Badu
Surrender-Kindred The Family Soul
The Diary of Alicia Keys-Alicia Keys
The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of 'Lady Sings the Blues'-Diana Ross
Monday, December 08, 2003
What do the lonely do for Christmas?
As I listen to the Urban Holiday Station on Launchcast, I am reminded that I pass by two Christmas tree stands on my way home everyday. I keep telling myself that I will stop and buy one. Then I realize how pathetic it would be. I'd be so melancholic. Not to mention, on yesterday I saw my neighbors (a couple) unloading their tree from the car. I began to imagine their little decorating project...
Papi's carrying and guiding the base of the tree into their front door as Wife-y holds the tip. Coats, scarves, and gloves off, he soon begins to set the tree into the stand. "Is it straight...or crooked?" Finally, it's perfect. She adjusts the crackling logs in the fireplace and then the pair unpack the lights, garland, and ornaments. Boyz II Men's "Let it Snow" is playing in the background as she winds around the tree illuminated by 500 streaming lights guided by her man. They perform the same dance as the garland is added. She tosses crimson ornamental balls at his head as he teases her about how ghetto her Mama's tree was when they visited for Thanksgiving. Laughter continues to fill the air as the last of the ornaments are added. He finally tops the tree with a golden metallic star. They clean up the mess that they made. The lights in the house are turned off, leaving their Christmas tree shimmering. The two naturally embrace, relishing in another Christmas together.
Maybe I should just wrap a stream of lights around the banister of my balcony. That's simple enough.
As I listen to the Urban Holiday Station on Launchcast, I am reminded that I pass by two Christmas tree stands on my way home everyday. I keep telling myself that I will stop and buy one. Then I realize how pathetic it would be. I'd be so melancholic. Not to mention, on yesterday I saw my neighbors (a couple) unloading their tree from the car. I began to imagine their little decorating project...
Papi's carrying and guiding the base of the tree into their front door as Wife-y holds the tip. Coats, scarves, and gloves off, he soon begins to set the tree into the stand. "Is it straight...or crooked?" Finally, it's perfect. She adjusts the crackling logs in the fireplace and then the pair unpack the lights, garland, and ornaments. Boyz II Men's "Let it Snow" is playing in the background as she winds around the tree illuminated by 500 streaming lights guided by her man. They perform the same dance as the garland is added. She tosses crimson ornamental balls at his head as he teases her about how ghetto her Mama's tree was when they visited for Thanksgiving. Laughter continues to fill the air as the last of the ornaments are added. He finally tops the tree with a golden metallic star. They clean up the mess that they made. The lights in the house are turned off, leaving their Christmas tree shimmering. The two naturally embrace, relishing in another Christmas together.
Maybe I should just wrap a stream of lights around the banister of my balcony. That's simple enough.
Friday, December 05, 2003
My bird landed amongst the mechanical flock and I exited into Gotham City with Hellified fearlessness...
Thanksgiving Thursday
Party of 6 in Harlem at 131st hosted by my good friend, The Hairstylist. We gave thanks. Lots and lots of stimulating conversation. Ipods...home decor...celebrity culture..."Abercrombie's My Bitch"...Karma..."What would you do?"... Then more Zinfandel and maybe some Absolut Citron and cranberry. Ended up in Clinton Hills, Brooklyn with TSB after a stroll through a deserted Greenwich Village.
Friday
Ran errands with TSB in downtown Brooklyn. Stopped in a Goodwill store to search for vintage finds. Surprisingly successful. Took a break. Met up with Gianni (who flew in from ATL), TSB, The Hairstylist, and X5 (who flew in from New Orleans) at Day-O. Took in spirits and libation at the corner bar until the sound system went out. Still can't figure out why management was so rude!? The posse hailed two cabs to Brooklyn so that a few wardrobe changes could take place before we made our way to the next venue...Da Playground...you know? Three scintillating floors of New York's finest. We took in more of the Devil's nectar...I opted for Long Island's own Iced Tea. As planned, I ran into my friend Q, who I had phoned on Thanksgiving since we hadn't seen or really spoken to each other in about a year. Party & Bullsh*t!!! So much was going on that night and a Lush, such as myself, can't hardly recall it all... I know I was giving and receiving cell numbers most of the night. All you could see were blue and green cell phone illumination as the exchanges were taking place. My cohorts for the night were working full time in their own regards, but that's Sex and the City. I congratulated Phillip Bloch, Halle Berry's stylist, outside of the club for all of his good work. I don't know if he was incognito or what. Everytime I see him out he is quietly alone. Maybe that's his modus operandi to "get a date." The gang came out together...but left individually...
Saturday
I woke up and was introduced to Q's roommate...
Our hands met, thumbs intertwined
One firm signal of excitement.
My eyes glided to the floor, too nervous to ever meet his...again.
I sneaked a peek at his coy smile as he mouthed off irrelevance.
3 seconds...feeling like eternity.
How can anyone make morning look so good?
Barefoot...fresh faced...teeth brilliant from a recent brushing.
Time is becoming finite.
My breath is gone. None left to speak...
Chance lost...again.
So I left the Upper East Side to go to Times Square to the TKTS booth for Broadway tickets. After 2 1/2 hours in the blistering cold, I got tickets to Rent. Wanted Aida to see Michelle Williams, but I wasn't disappointed. Q and I then had lunch at Cafeteria. I HATED my spinach and cheddar omelette with a passion. The restaurant looks amazingly trendy but the food was so bland! We then hit it up to 125th to shop for some urban digs for later that night.
The Hairstylist and I went to the Nedarlander Theatre to experience Rent. It was my second viewing...his first. So I enjoyed experiencing it with him for the first time. The cast was great. I would have preferred a stronger performance for Angel...but it was good enough. "No day but today..."
Met up with the crew for a party at Bayou on 125th and Lenox. It reminded me of the B2B parties in Atlanta. I was so excited to see Keith Boykin there. That made my night! TSB did the most to acqaint himself really well with Mr. Boykin.
Left there and went to the Warehouse up in the Bronx. Total change of atmosphere...Night and Day... We got real gutter and partied until 7:30am.
Sunday
Walked down 125th to get bootlegs. Yes, I admit it. I purchase bootleg CD's and books. It's about economics right now for me. Got Alicia Keys' "Diary" and Alice Walker's The Way Forward is With a Broken Heart. Had Sunday dinner at "Manna's." Then the group went to Escuelita to see Harmonica.
Monday
And I rested. Bad bad cold...
Tuesday
Back in da ATL
Thanksgiving Thursday
Party of 6 in Harlem at 131st hosted by my good friend, The Hairstylist. We gave thanks. Lots and lots of stimulating conversation. Ipods...home decor...celebrity culture..."Abercrombie's My Bitch"...Karma..."What would you do?"... Then more Zinfandel and maybe some Absolut Citron and cranberry. Ended up in Clinton Hills, Brooklyn with TSB after a stroll through a deserted Greenwich Village.
Friday
Ran errands with TSB in downtown Brooklyn. Stopped in a Goodwill store to search for vintage finds. Surprisingly successful. Took a break. Met up with Gianni (who flew in from ATL), TSB, The Hairstylist, and X5 (who flew in from New Orleans) at Day-O. Took in spirits and libation at the corner bar until the sound system went out. Still can't figure out why management was so rude!? The posse hailed two cabs to Brooklyn so that a few wardrobe changes could take place before we made our way to the next venue...Da Playground...you know? Three scintillating floors of New York's finest. We took in more of the Devil's nectar...I opted for Long Island's own Iced Tea. As planned, I ran into my friend Q, who I had phoned on Thanksgiving since we hadn't seen or really spoken to each other in about a year. Party & Bullsh*t!!! So much was going on that night and a Lush, such as myself, can't hardly recall it all... I know I was giving and receiving cell numbers most of the night. All you could see were blue and green cell phone illumination as the exchanges were taking place. My cohorts for the night were working full time in their own regards, but that's Sex and the City. I congratulated Phillip Bloch, Halle Berry's stylist, outside of the club for all of his good work. I don't know if he was incognito or what. Everytime I see him out he is quietly alone. Maybe that's his modus operandi to "get a date." The gang came out together...but left individually...
Saturday
I woke up and was introduced to Q's roommate...
Our hands met, thumbs intertwined
One firm signal of excitement.
My eyes glided to the floor, too nervous to ever meet his...again.
I sneaked a peek at his coy smile as he mouthed off irrelevance.
3 seconds...feeling like eternity.
How can anyone make morning look so good?
Barefoot...fresh faced...teeth brilliant from a recent brushing.
Time is becoming finite.
My breath is gone. None left to speak...
Chance lost...again.
So I left the Upper East Side to go to Times Square to the TKTS booth for Broadway tickets. After 2 1/2 hours in the blistering cold, I got tickets to Rent. Wanted Aida to see Michelle Williams, but I wasn't disappointed. Q and I then had lunch at Cafeteria. I HATED my spinach and cheddar omelette with a passion. The restaurant looks amazingly trendy but the food was so bland! We then hit it up to 125th to shop for some urban digs for later that night.
The Hairstylist and I went to the Nedarlander Theatre to experience Rent. It was my second viewing...his first. So I enjoyed experiencing it with him for the first time. The cast was great. I would have preferred a stronger performance for Angel...but it was good enough. "No day but today..."
Met up with the crew for a party at Bayou on 125th and Lenox. It reminded me of the B2B parties in Atlanta. I was so excited to see Keith Boykin there. That made my night! TSB did the most to acqaint himself really well with Mr. Boykin.
Left there and went to the Warehouse up in the Bronx. Total change of atmosphere...Night and Day... We got real gutter and partied until 7:30am.
Sunday
Walked down 125th to get bootlegs. Yes, I admit it. I purchase bootleg CD's and books. It's about economics right now for me. Got Alicia Keys' "Diary" and Alice Walker's The Way Forward is With a Broken Heart. Had Sunday dinner at "Manna's." Then the group went to Escuelita to see Harmonica.
Monday
And I rested. Bad bad cold...
Tuesday
Back in da ATL
Monday, November 24, 2003
My milkshake...
Since the break up, I keep telling myself that I need to put myself out there in an effort to move on. But this past weekend shall go down in history as one of the best observational studies I have ever personally conducted to serve as a testament to the challenge that I now face.
Friday
I had dinner with Gianni (formerly known as Carl), Donatella and friends of Donatella at the Landmark Diner after the Vibe Awards (a HOT mess!). Donatella and I go to the bar to smoke and converse. She tells me how she was going to get one of her friends (who we left seated at the table) to buy her some Ferragamo but she has decided against it because she is deciding to seriously commit herself to her boyfriend in Toronto. I puff...exhale...and puff again as she goes on about how she needs to stop gold digging. I keep my comments neutral as I listen to her lament. I wonder why she feels that she HAS to get as much as she can from men? I then ask her what are the guys' expectations from her. She SWEARS that she isn't sleeping with them. Okay...
The friends were dismissed and myself, Gianni, and Donatella ended up at Halo and then to Club Colours. All the while, I began to understand much more readily Gianni (who happens to be one of my best friends) and Donatella's relationship. They have this warped dependence on men/boyfriends that I haven't figured out. I'm realizing that it is okay to be in a relationship wherein one person is more of a provider of sorts. (I guess!?!) But Gianni and Donatella...they have significant others who are providers yet they are still seeking "things" outside of the relationship. I can't handle the "get what you can get" mentality. However as an aside, I have my own issues with this topic and gay men. I think each man should be independently living or atleast have the ability to be independent within the relationship. In other words, HAVE YOUR OWN SHIT! I have problems with the idea that one man is looking for another man to take care of him. And I later try to explain to Donatella that there is an entirely different dynamic and expectation that exists in gay relationships...while some men do exactly what she is doing, others do not. And in my experience, that type of role playing isn't what is necessarily expected. Then we party hardy...run into other friends at the club...but I meet no dates.
Saturday
Went with Nicole to see My Boyfriend the Stripper. It was surprisingly lighthearted and comical. There was only one black actor (unless you count Matthew Rush who I don't think identifies as such). And the one black character had to be a tired hypocritical academician who fucks the young white boys he teaches. That left me disgruntled...but I laughed anyway.
I then met up with Gianni for a fashion show at the Biltmore. There we watched another friend, Maxwell, walk the show. I thought that this would provide the perfect opportunity to mingle since the Beautiful Ones were out. But my Gaydar was just not in good condition at this point. What is with this Metrosexual bullshit!? Every goodlooking, polished, stylish, sexy brother that seemed to reak GAY...later turned out to be questionably straight at the end of the night when the question was posed to friends and associates. What!?!
Myself, Gianni, Maxwell and two other friends then are invited to a houseparty whereby I vicariously learn that gay men can be so TIRED as it is discovered that two of the passengers in the car are sharing the same date while the entire caravan heads to this houseparty where, OF COURSE the guy in question is there waiting. Things are explained with an "it's a small world" philosophy. No hard feelings. I'm certain that all parties will continue to "date." I guess you might as well share a man in this day and age...
Most people from the party eventually filed out and went to the Brutha2Brutha party at Spice. As I look across the dancefloor I wonder how Atlanta can be home to so many black gay men... {My milkshake brings all the boyz to the yard...they're like its betta than yours...} And in between the boom of the 808 the thought was abruptly broken. One of the people that came out with the group is female and this guy is really "doing the most" to get her attention. She obliges with a dance. He is stuck to her like a bee to honey for the remainder of the night. Why!? Then I remember that this event is for "men in the life" and the life, I reckon, includes such intermixing. She tells me later how he adamantly proclaimed that he was a top and continued to describe "how he gets down." Funny!?
Sunday
I thought long and hard about Friday and Saturday. The pessimist in me sees all of the barriers that I face. I chill at home all day long. I only left the house to return a DVD to Blockbuster. I talk on the phone with friends and then fall asleep.
Today
Back at work...Thanksgiving potluck (I don't eat everybody's cooking!)...ate all of the "safe" foods. Office chatter: Micheal Jackson, Gay Marriage, Thanksgiving plans, blah blah blah...I close my eyes real tight and wish that I was a Hermit crab with a shell to retract into.
Since the break up, I keep telling myself that I need to put myself out there in an effort to move on. But this past weekend shall go down in history as one of the best observational studies I have ever personally conducted to serve as a testament to the challenge that I now face.
Friday
I had dinner with Gianni (formerly known as Carl), Donatella and friends of Donatella at the Landmark Diner after the Vibe Awards (a HOT mess!). Donatella and I go to the bar to smoke and converse. She tells me how she was going to get one of her friends (who we left seated at the table) to buy her some Ferragamo but she has decided against it because she is deciding to seriously commit herself to her boyfriend in Toronto. I puff...exhale...and puff again as she goes on about how she needs to stop gold digging. I keep my comments neutral as I listen to her lament. I wonder why she feels that she HAS to get as much as she can from men? I then ask her what are the guys' expectations from her. She SWEARS that she isn't sleeping with them. Okay...
The friends were dismissed and myself, Gianni, and Donatella ended up at Halo and then to Club Colours. All the while, I began to understand much more readily Gianni (who happens to be one of my best friends) and Donatella's relationship. They have this warped dependence on men/boyfriends that I haven't figured out. I'm realizing that it is okay to be in a relationship wherein one person is more of a provider of sorts. (I guess!?!) But Gianni and Donatella...they have significant others who are providers yet they are still seeking "things" outside of the relationship. I can't handle the "get what you can get" mentality. However as an aside, I have my own issues with this topic and gay men. I think each man should be independently living or atleast have the ability to be independent within the relationship. In other words, HAVE YOUR OWN SHIT! I have problems with the idea that one man is looking for another man to take care of him. And I later try to explain to Donatella that there is an entirely different dynamic and expectation that exists in gay relationships...while some men do exactly what she is doing, others do not. And in my experience, that type of role playing isn't what is necessarily expected. Then we party hardy...run into other friends at the club...but I meet no dates.
Saturday
Went with Nicole to see My Boyfriend the Stripper. It was surprisingly lighthearted and comical. There was only one black actor (unless you count Matthew Rush who I don't think identifies as such). And the one black character had to be a tired hypocritical academician who fucks the young white boys he teaches. That left me disgruntled...but I laughed anyway.
I then met up with Gianni for a fashion show at the Biltmore. There we watched another friend, Maxwell, walk the show. I thought that this would provide the perfect opportunity to mingle since the Beautiful Ones were out. But my Gaydar was just not in good condition at this point. What is with this Metrosexual bullshit!? Every goodlooking, polished, stylish, sexy brother that seemed to reak GAY...later turned out to be questionably straight at the end of the night when the question was posed to friends and associates. What!?!
Myself, Gianni, Maxwell and two other friends then are invited to a houseparty whereby I vicariously learn that gay men can be so TIRED as it is discovered that two of the passengers in the car are sharing the same date while the entire caravan heads to this houseparty where, OF COURSE the guy in question is there waiting. Things are explained with an "it's a small world" philosophy. No hard feelings. I'm certain that all parties will continue to "date." I guess you might as well share a man in this day and age...
Most people from the party eventually filed out and went to the Brutha2Brutha party at Spice. As I look across the dancefloor I wonder how Atlanta can be home to so many black gay men... {My milkshake brings all the boyz to the yard...they're like its betta than yours...} And in between the boom of the 808 the thought was abruptly broken. One of the people that came out with the group is female and this guy is really "doing the most" to get her attention. She obliges with a dance. He is stuck to her like a bee to honey for the remainder of the night. Why!? Then I remember that this event is for "men in the life" and the life, I reckon, includes such intermixing. She tells me later how he adamantly proclaimed that he was a top and continued to describe "how he gets down." Funny!?
Sunday
I thought long and hard about Friday and Saturday. The pessimist in me sees all of the barriers that I face. I chill at home all day long. I only left the house to return a DVD to Blockbuster. I talk on the phone with friends and then fall asleep.
Today
Back at work...Thanksgiving potluck (I don't eat everybody's cooking!)...ate all of the "safe" foods. Office chatter: Micheal Jackson, Gay Marriage, Thanksgiving plans, blah blah blah...I close my eyes real tight and wish that I was a Hermit crab with a shell to retract into.
Friday, November 21, 2003
Doing the most...
So last night I dressed my trendiest and went to Halo. And I expectantly ran into the Ex. According to the DeKalb County Order of Restraint, we aren't supposed to be within 50 yards of one another. So we made eye contact and stayed on separate levels. Ugghhh! This is what I have to look forward to from now on. We are always going to run into each other. Luckily, I was accompanied by four of my good friends. That way I was not able to think about his presence for at least 40% of the time. I couldn't help from allowing myself to see who he was with. Not that it really mattered at this point, but I just wanted to see. I recognized them all. While together, we never really befriended each other's friends so there is no awkwardness with that. Thank God! For now, I'll just have to continue to wait for time to heal.
Dan from Real World Miami and porn star Matthew Rush were at Halo last night too. They are in a play called My Boyfriend the Stripper that is doing a run in Atlanta. My friend, Nicole, used her feminine prowess to garner us free passes for tomorrow night.
And to date I've received 19 messages to my M4N profile. I provide a link to this blog so there's no confusion with the type of person that I am. I actually have gotten cool feedback from people who have ACTUALLY taken the time to read this thing. Sometimes it just feels like therapuetic release when I make my entries. I don't consider the fact that people are really reading this and to my surprise find entertainment in it. But as of now, my M4N buddies and I are just exchanging "imails" with one another. No real dialogue.
Then again:
Me: {after reviewing profile and pic} sup? just hittin u up. u appear to be normal...attractive... some of these niggaz in here r crazy for real. lol hit me back if that's wassup!
M4N boy: normal: i'm not. attractive: completely relative. every one is crazy. most people just have compatible psychosis and don't know that they are crazy. it's only a problem for those of us that do.
Me: I disagree. To me, normalcy is what's relative. And to dismiss one finding you attractive as relative is...interesting. If I find you attractive, then for all intents and purposes you are. I wasn't discussing anyone else's viewpoint regarding your appearance but my own. And if we're using the term "crazy" loosely (as I was), then I can walk with you in that we all have our issues. But I wouldn't deem them psychoses...that's a little severe. However, your reply proves my point in recognizing that you are different from the rest in here. Thanks for the dialogue.
I feel like I may have done too much!? He really is a cute guy... I just felt like his reply was kinda arrogant. And I only wanted to share my view point. I'll await his response.
His response:
M4N boy: You're right, normalcy is relative but then so is everything in reality, including reality itself. Your blogs are...interesting. Although I am a little concerced about the EJH(?) thing. Additionally, I appreciate the compliment and should have said so the fist time. As far as the pyschoses, if you really evaluate the nature of people, it becomes increasingly evident. True enough on an individual level but amazingly even more so as a collective.
I feel better. :-)
So last night I dressed my trendiest and went to Halo. And I expectantly ran into the Ex. According to the DeKalb County Order of Restraint, we aren't supposed to be within 50 yards of one another. So we made eye contact and stayed on separate levels. Ugghhh! This is what I have to look forward to from now on. We are always going to run into each other. Luckily, I was accompanied by four of my good friends. That way I was not able to think about his presence for at least 40% of the time. I couldn't help from allowing myself to see who he was with. Not that it really mattered at this point, but I just wanted to see. I recognized them all. While together, we never really befriended each other's friends so there is no awkwardness with that. Thank God! For now, I'll just have to continue to wait for time to heal.
Dan from Real World Miami and porn star Matthew Rush were at Halo last night too. They are in a play called My Boyfriend the Stripper that is doing a run in Atlanta. My friend, Nicole, used her feminine prowess to garner us free passes for tomorrow night.
And to date I've received 19 messages to my M4N profile. I provide a link to this blog so there's no confusion with the type of person that I am. I actually have gotten cool feedback from people who have ACTUALLY taken the time to read this thing. Sometimes it just feels like therapuetic release when I make my entries. I don't consider the fact that people are really reading this and to my surprise find entertainment in it. But as of now, my M4N buddies and I are just exchanging "imails" with one another. No real dialogue.
Then again:
Me: {after reviewing profile and pic} sup? just hittin u up. u appear to be normal...attractive... some of these niggaz in here r crazy for real. lol hit me back if that's wassup!
M4N boy: normal: i'm not. attractive: completely relative. every one is crazy. most people just have compatible psychosis and don't know that they are crazy. it's only a problem for those of us that do.
Me: I disagree. To me, normalcy is what's relative. And to dismiss one finding you attractive as relative is...interesting. If I find you attractive, then for all intents and purposes you are. I wasn't discussing anyone else's viewpoint regarding your appearance but my own. And if we're using the term "crazy" loosely (as I was), then I can walk with you in that we all have our issues. But I wouldn't deem them psychoses...that's a little severe. However, your reply proves my point in recognizing that you are different from the rest in here. Thanks for the dialogue.
I feel like I may have done too much!? He really is a cute guy... I just felt like his reply was kinda arrogant. And I only wanted to share my view point. I'll await his response.
His response:
M4N boy: You're right, normalcy is relative but then so is everything in reality, including reality itself. Your blogs are...interesting. Although I am a little concerced about the EJH(?) thing. Additionally, I appreciate the compliment and should have said so the fist time. As far as the pyschoses, if you really evaluate the nature of people, it becomes increasingly evident. True enough on an individual level but amazingly even more so as a collective.
I feel better. :-)
Thursday, November 20, 2003
You ain't gon find no husband at da club!
So a few months ago I heard about another online hookup site that has apparently become very popular in Atlanta. At the time, I deemed myself "married" and thought of myself as "beyond" all of that child's play, so I dismissed it. But how easily that fantasy turned into a nightmare (yesterday's blog).
Well...I created a profile on Men4Now.com today. I know that I am setting myself up for utter disappointment. {My Grandma used to tell my Aunts, "You ain't gon find no husband at da club!" It's basically with that premise that I look at online dating.} I actually don't even know what I am looking for. I don't think I would have even set up a profile if the website had not actually been so easy to navigate. It actually is a really good site with several ways to "get to know" people, so I understand it's popularity. There are over 400 men in my local area "logged in now" with a majority of them being men of color...almost ALL! I think the website might be programmed to display people I might be interested in based upon my profile that I set up initially. Then, (catch this!) I can utilize the "legend/icon" feature to actually select my preferred top, bottom, versatile, oral, or escort and initiate conversation. WOW! It's just that easy! Click! Then presto....dick! It's just too easy!? (sarcasm)
Then I moved on to Gay.com and set up another profile. It wasn't as simple. I am not very confident in that ad. It required typing a LOT of text which I wasn't prepared to do. And then it seems to be a white gay male site. Not that I have any issues dating outside of my race...but I don't believe that they're looking for me. But I did meet muy caliente from Clarkston by way of Spain in the chat room. I'll see what happens with that. He said he's looking for "fun" but I am sure fun = sex. We'll see...
Since typing this blog, I've received 2 messages for my M4N profile. One a total bust. The other...cute...biracial mulatto...claims he's "just looking for cool peeps." Hmmm...
Oh, I'm going to NYC for Thanksgiving!
Playground
Escuelita
Greenwich Village
Juniors
Warehouse
Langston's
AIDA
H&M
SoHo
125th
Day-O
Buttercup Lounge
Octagon
NYU
West Elm
Old friends
College alum
New friends
So much to do...
So a few months ago I heard about another online hookup site that has apparently become very popular in Atlanta. At the time, I deemed myself "married" and thought of myself as "beyond" all of that child's play, so I dismissed it. But how easily that fantasy turned into a nightmare (yesterday's blog).
Well...I created a profile on Men4Now.com today. I know that I am setting myself up for utter disappointment. {My Grandma used to tell my Aunts, "You ain't gon find no husband at da club!" It's basically with that premise that I look at online dating.} I actually don't even know what I am looking for. I don't think I would have even set up a profile if the website had not actually been so easy to navigate. It actually is a really good site with several ways to "get to know" people, so I understand it's popularity. There are over 400 men in my local area "logged in now" with a majority of them being men of color...almost ALL! I think the website might be programmed to display people I might be interested in based upon my profile that I set up initially. Then, (catch this!) I can utilize the "legend/icon" feature to actually select my preferred top, bottom, versatile, oral, or escort and initiate conversation. WOW! It's just that easy! Click! Then presto....dick! It's just too easy!? (sarcasm)
Then I moved on to Gay.com and set up another profile. It wasn't as simple. I am not very confident in that ad. It required typing a LOT of text which I wasn't prepared to do. And then it seems to be a white gay male site. Not that I have any issues dating outside of my race...but I don't believe that they're looking for me. But I did meet muy caliente from Clarkston by way of Spain in the chat room. I'll see what happens with that. He said he's looking for "fun" but I am sure fun = sex. We'll see...
Since typing this blog, I've received 2 messages for my M4N profile. One a total bust. The other...cute...biracial mulatto...claims he's "just looking for cool peeps." Hmmm...
Oh, I'm going to NYC for Thanksgiving!
Playground
Escuelita
Greenwich Village
Juniors
Warehouse
Langston's
AIDA
H&M
SoHo
125th
Day-O
Buttercup Lounge
Octagon
NYU
West Elm
Old friends
College alum
New friends
So much to do...
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Emancipation Proclamation
Based upon my last blog, I was pondering what I could accomplish in 2 months. I decided it definitely had to do with Self. It had to be something empowering...something uplifting...something life altering.
I perused my daily routine and realized only three days after I wrote the last blog what I needed to do:
11-7-2003
After suffering from a cycle of disrespect and lovin' that dates back to last year...I am in the kitchen, EJH is in my bedroom watching television.
Me: (running into bedroom to answer cell phone) Hello?
TSB: What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing...What do you mean?
TSB: I just called you.
Me: (turning toward EJH who was alone in my room briefly) Did you answer my cell phone?
EJH: Yep...Who is TSB?...Why he call you so much?
TSB: (on cell phone) I knew that wasn't you. I was talking and then I just hung up.
Me: He think we fuckin'!
***SLAP...to the back of the head from EJH to me***
Me: (stunned) Lemme call you back!
EJH: (filled with rage) Don't you ever disrespect me in front of your friends!
Me: (shocked and awed)
EJH: I didn't mean to hit you. I'm sorry. You be making me mad.
Me: Okay (walks out of room)
Now I am in my living room terribly disappointed because this is a reenactment of last year. And this nigga, of course, promised that "he had changed!" I know that a confrontation right now would fuel the flame so I ignore my anger and make him believe that I accept his apology. He makes plans to spend the night. I cringe. I lay in the dark. He asks me to hold him. I shrink while throwing my weak arm around his waist. Morning didn't come fast enough. He left for work. Called me several times throughout the day. Finally I answered.
11-8-2003
Me: Hello?
EJH: What you doing?
Me: Nothing
EJH: What's wrong?
silence
EJH: You still love me?
silence
Me: I don't think we can be together.
EJH: Is this your way of being with TSB?
EJH: Hope y'all have a good life together.
click...dial tone.
I knew that that was too easy. Within a weeks time, he had called relentlessly. I refused to answer the phone. He left crazy messages. He circled the parking lot of my apartment complex nightly. He attempted to kick the door in when he saw my silhouette as I peeked through the blinds to see where he was in the parking lot. He left notes on my door. He called one of my best friends at work and made up one of the worst lies I thought possible. It really showed his character.
11-12-2003
I filed a stalking temporary protective order against him. He was served the papers the following day.
11-16-2003
Knocked on my door begging to talk for "10 seconds." The door never opened. Ran into him at The Lion's Den. Whispered in my ear to "please just talk to me for 2 seconds." Made the same request from my friend that I was out with. Both refused.
Today 11-19-2003
He and I appeared before the court and signed a permanent restraining order barring contact. We never exchanged a glance nor a word.
I am empowered...uplifted...and my life has been altered.
Now I gotta deal with the emotional baggage...
Based upon my last blog, I was pondering what I could accomplish in 2 months. I decided it definitely had to do with Self. It had to be something empowering...something uplifting...something life altering.
I perused my daily routine and realized only three days after I wrote the last blog what I needed to do:
11-7-2003
After suffering from a cycle of disrespect and lovin' that dates back to last year...I am in the kitchen, EJH is in my bedroom watching television.
Me: (running into bedroom to answer cell phone) Hello?
TSB: What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing...What do you mean?
TSB: I just called you.
Me: (turning toward EJH who was alone in my room briefly) Did you answer my cell phone?
EJH: Yep...Who is TSB?...Why he call you so much?
TSB: (on cell phone) I knew that wasn't you. I was talking and then I just hung up.
Me: He think we fuckin'!
***SLAP...to the back of the head from EJH to me***
Me: (stunned) Lemme call you back!
EJH: (filled with rage) Don't you ever disrespect me in front of your friends!
Me: (shocked and awed)
EJH: I didn't mean to hit you. I'm sorry. You be making me mad.
Me: Okay (walks out of room)
Now I am in my living room terribly disappointed because this is a reenactment of last year. And this nigga, of course, promised that "he had changed!" I know that a confrontation right now would fuel the flame so I ignore my anger and make him believe that I accept his apology. He makes plans to spend the night. I cringe. I lay in the dark. He asks me to hold him. I shrink while throwing my weak arm around his waist. Morning didn't come fast enough. He left for work. Called me several times throughout the day. Finally I answered.
11-8-2003
Me: Hello?
EJH: What you doing?
Me: Nothing
EJH: What's wrong?
silence
EJH: You still love me?
silence
Me: I don't think we can be together.
EJH: Is this your way of being with TSB?
EJH: Hope y'all have a good life together.
click...dial tone.
I knew that that was too easy. Within a weeks time, he had called relentlessly. I refused to answer the phone. He left crazy messages. He circled the parking lot of my apartment complex nightly. He attempted to kick the door in when he saw my silhouette as I peeked through the blinds to see where he was in the parking lot. He left notes on my door. He called one of my best friends at work and made up one of the worst lies I thought possible. It really showed his character.
11-12-2003
I filed a stalking temporary protective order against him. He was served the papers the following day.
11-16-2003
Knocked on my door begging to talk for "10 seconds." The door never opened. Ran into him at The Lion's Den. Whispered in my ear to "please just talk to me for 2 seconds." Made the same request from my friend that I was out with. Both refused.
Today 11-19-2003
He and I appeared before the court and signed a permanent restraining order barring contact. We never exchanged a glance nor a word.
I am empowered...uplifted...and my life has been altered.
Now I gotta deal with the emotional baggage...
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Diddy Ran da City!
I have truly grown to really admire P.Diddy in the last 2 days. I saw him last night on Oprah After the Show and was intrigued by his sudden maturity. I must admit that I was a little suspect with all of the media hype for the marathon. I mean...come on...Diddy running on the treadmill on MTV's TRL with Loon's CD yelling, "Cop that!" with each stride. But I can respect the feat! Congratulations!
Now lemme see what I can push my self to accomplish in 2 months...hmmm...
I have truly grown to really admire P.Diddy in the last 2 days. I saw him last night on Oprah After the Show and was intrigued by his sudden maturity. I must admit that I was a little suspect with all of the media hype for the marathon. I mean...come on...Diddy running on the treadmill on MTV's TRL with Loon's CD yelling, "Cop that!" with each stride. But I can respect the feat! Congratulations!
Now lemme see what I can push my self to accomplish in 2 months...hmmm...
Monday, November 03, 2003
Whose keepin da DL on da down low?
I received anotha damn DL email that friends and associates wanted my opinion on. And it read:
"Something to share with our children.
GREETINGS SISTERS AND BROTHERS WITH SISTERS, JUST WANTED TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU. AFTER READING IT PLEASE SEND IT TO THE SISTERS IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK. WE'VE GOT TO SPREAD THE WORD. AWFUL, JUST AWFUL.
This is not a very nice topic to discuss but I feel I need to share this information with my sisters in Christ. Last Saturday, Kisha & I went to a seminar where a man named J.L. King was speaking on the subject of "DL Brothers". The "DL" stands for Down Low or Double Lives.
Now, what makes this so interesting is that Mr. King is a DL brother. South Carolina is #8 in the nation for HIV/AIDS new cases. African American women are 80% of all new cases and they are contracting the virus from men who are having sex with other men but they are doing this on the "Down Low". These men say they are not gay... they are heterosexual but just sleep with men once in awhile. These are men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, and men that say they hate those "faggots".
Mr. King shared his life story and said he knows a lot of "DL" brothers in the NBA/NFL and even in the entertainment world. To prove his point: On Thursday, the director of the Tri-County Collaboration for the prevention of HIV/AIDS, Valerie King (no relation) took J.L. to a Charleston Club and introduced him to 5 men she knew. These men were respected men at work and church. Valerie excused Herself for about 15-20 minutes. In that time J.L. had gotten 3 of the 5 men's phone numbers to hook up with later. By the end of the evening he also got 10 female numbers.
He said the reason he is talking about this is his fear that his grown daughter may run into a "DL" brother and never know. These men are masters in the art of lying and living that double life. His wife thought it was wonderful that he worked so hard in the church with different men on different projects right up to the time he had to tell her he was HIV positive. This, needless to say, destroyed his family and his marriage. He has 3 grown children who now have to live with the knowledge that their father gave their mother HIV and possibly AIDS. I know of one man in my own church that is a "DL" brother and has AIDS. (Because what you do on the "DL" will come out in the light) J.L. mentions that this is a widespread epidemic here in Charleston.
I went on the web site and looked up several references on HIV/AIDS in the South. The numbers are showing whites are going down but African Americans are going up & up... mostly heterosexual African American women. I have been asking myself all week... what is this world coming to? When is God going to say... this is enough (I think God has already said this is enough and now we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience. There is a penalty for walking in our own way and doing things our own way contrary to God.)
This is truly the work of the enemy! Ladies, this is also praying time. I have shared this with my youngest daughter too! I'm going to pass this message to as many females I know and I pray you do the same. Below are some web sites that you may find interesting. Once we understand that HIV/AIDS is not something that is just happening in Africa, that it is preventable, and that we as women understand the importance of knowledge on the subject then maybe we can make a difference.
God Bless You all!
http://www.livingdownlow.com/
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/health/jan-june01/aids_5-30.html
http://www.hivdent.org/publicp/ppUSCU022003.htm
http://www.natap.org/2003/april/042803_1.htm"
Oh really!? My reply:
As an African American gay male who happens to work in HIV/AIDS prevention, I find the email bothersome and offensive. I do not refute HIV/AIDS incidence and prevalence. We all know the disparities that exist within our community. To reiterate a previous comment, the bottom line is that COMMUNICATION IS KEY and SAFER SEX should be practiced by ALL.
However, the email just serves as evidence that the black community still cannot accept sexuality, in general. (gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, etc.)
The "DL" phenomenon is nothing new. Black men have been having sex with other black men for a long time. Can we (black folk) accept that fact? The supposed "Down Low" or "Double Life" man would not exist if he had a community to identify with and feel supported and accepted by. And are these supposed DL men "masters in the art of lying and living that double life?" Or are they simply assimilating and surviving in black homophobia?
And why is it so surprising that "respected men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, men in the NBA/NFL or in the entertainment industry" can be having sexual relationships with other men? Is this an argument based upon assumptions concerning male masculinity/femininity and sexual identity?
And what was the point of Mr. King's "experiment" at the Charleston club? Was it to display his hypersexuality? 13 phone numbers in 15-20 minutes...oh really!? Did he pass a sign in sheet around the club? If he received 3 out of 5
men's phone numbers at the club, then that is not really that surprising due to the ratio of homosexual/bisexual vs heterosexual men in the population. And if he received 10 female's numbers at the club then that is plausible due to "good black man shortage" if the females saw him as a potential mate. But I seriously, question Mr. King's mack!
And the Black church (our "foundation") has simply ignored the crisis of sexuality and responded with hellfire and brimstone conjure which only segregates and demonizes. If "we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience in God" then it is due to not understanding that God is Love, not Judgement. And I agree that this is a "praying time," but I am praying for Unity and Understanding.
Here are I few websites/articles that I recommend:
http://www.nyblade.com/2003/10-24/viewpoint/opinion/blackgay.cfm
http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_243/downlowsmedia.html
http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_242/gayorjust.html
I received anotha damn DL email that friends and associates wanted my opinion on. And it read:
"Something to share with our children.
GREETINGS SISTERS AND BROTHERS WITH SISTERS, JUST WANTED TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU. AFTER READING IT PLEASE SEND IT TO THE SISTERS IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK. WE'VE GOT TO SPREAD THE WORD. AWFUL, JUST AWFUL.
This is not a very nice topic to discuss but I feel I need to share this information with my sisters in Christ. Last Saturday, Kisha & I went to a seminar where a man named J.L. King was speaking on the subject of "DL Brothers". The "DL" stands for Down Low or Double Lives.
Now, what makes this so interesting is that Mr. King is a DL brother. South Carolina is #8 in the nation for HIV/AIDS new cases. African American women are 80% of all new cases and they are contracting the virus from men who are having sex with other men but they are doing this on the "Down Low". These men say they are not gay... they are heterosexual but just sleep with men once in awhile. These are men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, and men that say they hate those "faggots".
Mr. King shared his life story and said he knows a lot of "DL" brothers in the NBA/NFL and even in the entertainment world. To prove his point: On Thursday, the director of the Tri-County Collaboration for the prevention of HIV/AIDS, Valerie King (no relation) took J.L. to a Charleston Club and introduced him to 5 men she knew. These men were respected men at work and church. Valerie excused Herself for about 15-20 minutes. In that time J.L. had gotten 3 of the 5 men's phone numbers to hook up with later. By the end of the evening he also got 10 female numbers.
He said the reason he is talking about this is his fear that his grown daughter may run into a "DL" brother and never know. These men are masters in the art of lying and living that double life. His wife thought it was wonderful that he worked so hard in the church with different men on different projects right up to the time he had to tell her he was HIV positive. This, needless to say, destroyed his family and his marriage. He has 3 grown children who now have to live with the knowledge that their father gave their mother HIV and possibly AIDS. I know of one man in my own church that is a "DL" brother and has AIDS. (Because what you do on the "DL" will come out in the light) J.L. mentions that this is a widespread epidemic here in Charleston.
I went on the web site and looked up several references on HIV/AIDS in the South. The numbers are showing whites are going down but African Americans are going up & up... mostly heterosexual African American women. I have been asking myself all week... what is this world coming to? When is God going to say... this is enough (I think God has already said this is enough and now we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience. There is a penalty for walking in our own way and doing things our own way contrary to God.)
This is truly the work of the enemy! Ladies, this is also praying time. I have shared this with my youngest daughter too! I'm going to pass this message to as many females I know and I pray you do the same. Below are some web sites that you may find interesting. Once we understand that HIV/AIDS is not something that is just happening in Africa, that it is preventable, and that we as women understand the importance of knowledge on the subject then maybe we can make a difference.
God Bless You all!
http://www.livingdownlow.com/
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/health/jan-june01/aids_5-30.html
http://www.hivdent.org/publicp/ppUSCU022003.htm
http://www.natap.org/2003/april/042803_1.htm"
Oh really!? My reply:
As an African American gay male who happens to work in HIV/AIDS prevention, I find the email bothersome and offensive. I do not refute HIV/AIDS incidence and prevalence. We all know the disparities that exist within our community. To reiterate a previous comment, the bottom line is that COMMUNICATION IS KEY and SAFER SEX should be practiced by ALL.
However, the email just serves as evidence that the black community still cannot accept sexuality, in general. (gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, etc.)
The "DL" phenomenon is nothing new. Black men have been having sex with other black men for a long time. Can we (black folk) accept that fact? The supposed "Down Low" or "Double Life" man would not exist if he had a community to identify with and feel supported and accepted by. And are these supposed DL men "masters in the art of lying and living that double life?" Or are they simply assimilating and surviving in black homophobia?
And why is it so surprising that "respected men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, men in the NBA/NFL or in the entertainment industry" can be having sexual relationships with other men? Is this an argument based upon assumptions concerning male masculinity/femininity and sexual identity?
And what was the point of Mr. King's "experiment" at the Charleston club? Was it to display his hypersexuality? 13 phone numbers in 15-20 minutes...oh really!? Did he pass a sign in sheet around the club? If he received 3 out of 5
men's phone numbers at the club, then that is not really that surprising due to the ratio of homosexual/bisexual vs heterosexual men in the population. And if he received 10 female's numbers at the club then that is plausible due to "good black man shortage" if the females saw him as a potential mate. But I seriously, question Mr. King's mack!
And the Black church (our "foundation") has simply ignored the crisis of sexuality and responded with hellfire and brimstone conjure which only segregates and demonizes. If "we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience in God" then it is due to not understanding that God is Love, not Judgement. And I agree that this is a "praying time," but I am praying for Unity and Understanding.
Here are I few websites/articles that I recommend:
http://www.nyblade.com/2003/10-24/viewpoint/opinion/blackgay.cfm
http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_243/downlowsmedia.html
http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_242/gayorjust.html
Friday, October 17, 2003
"Houston," we have a problem...
Okay, okay...I have been known to (for whatever reasons) disassociate temporarily from family, friends, lovers (i.e. my recent blogger absence) at anytime. I call it "doing me." I may or may not answer phones or return emails. Alot of people have problems with it. I can understand to a certain extent. However, I feel like it is just a temporary departure from the hustle and bustle in an effort to slow down. I don't have any special ceremony or ritual that I do during these times but I just feel like I need it.
Consequently, here's an email from a friend:
***I have been deemed "Whitney" Houston for various perceived uncanny similarities none of which relate to narcotix usage. He is "Vanessa" Williams for reasons that I would only attribute to fanaticism.***
"Whits:
I dont understand. I thought that I had your
disappearing acts down to a science--you know, your
prolonged waits to exhale--but, this stunt is one that
I did not expect. I know "you doing you." I know "you
in love all over again with Bobby." I know you are
fortunate enough to have an "upper-level position at a
large research university." All of which can impeed
the ability to return a phone call, or two, or three,
or maybe even four, but you have not even responded to
my emails.
The shade has been caught. And that, I do understand.
I hope that you get back from "Israel" safely.
peace,
vanessa."
Hmmm....it's something for me to think about.
Okay, okay...I have been known to (for whatever reasons) disassociate temporarily from family, friends, lovers (i.e. my recent blogger absence) at anytime. I call it "doing me." I may or may not answer phones or return emails. Alot of people have problems with it. I can understand to a certain extent. However, I feel like it is just a temporary departure from the hustle and bustle in an effort to slow down. I don't have any special ceremony or ritual that I do during these times but I just feel like I need it.
Consequently, here's an email from a friend:
***I have been deemed "Whitney" Houston for various perceived uncanny similarities none of which relate to narcotix usage. He is "Vanessa" Williams for reasons that I would only attribute to fanaticism.***
"Whits:
I dont understand. I thought that I had your
disappearing acts down to a science--you know, your
prolonged waits to exhale--but, this stunt is one that
I did not expect. I know "you doing you." I know "you
in love all over again with Bobby." I know you are
fortunate enough to have an "upper-level position at a
large research university." All of which can impeed
the ability to return a phone call, or two, or three,
or maybe even four, but you have not even responded to
my emails.
The shade has been caught. And that, I do understand.
I hope that you get back from "Israel" safely.
peace,
vanessa."
Hmmm....it's something for me to think about.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
"Been gone for a minute...Now um back with the Jump Off..."-Kimberly Jones
Check out Digital DJs!
More tales to come VERY soon...I promise!
Check out Digital DJs!
More tales to come VERY soon...I promise!
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