Home for da Holidaze...

Tomorrow, I'm going home to Albany, Georgia for the Holidaze. This also denotes the time of the year at which I tip-toe back into the closet...or is it the "down low!?" But I must explain, this is to no fault of my own. It is actually at my Mother's request. I feel open enough to share my world with those that inquire. And my family usually will..."You're so handsome. Look at how you've grown up. Are you dating anybody? When you gon' get married? Gotta girlfriend?" But after I told Moms the "tea" in July 2002, she demanded that I keep this between her/stepfather and my dad/stepmother. I was not to tell anyone else. I'm sure she's still going through denial and hoping that this is a phase. But I try to continually remind her with small anecdotes about my so-called black gay life. (Maybe I should send her the link to this blog!?) Out of respect, I remain asexual and ambiguous while I am at home.

In addition, I have an effeminate 10 year old male cousin who I see everytime I'm at home. It is heartwrenching to watch "corrective" demands spewed upon him by adult family members in hopes that he will butch up. Don't sit like that! Go play with the boys. Stop crying so much! In the past two years, I have gotten into heated discussions with Aunts and even my Mother in defense of Alex. I find myself caught in the middle because I can't say what I want to say due to my Mother's shame and I don't know if I even should go so far. In a sense, I do believe that Alex needs to know the way of the world, specifically rural South Georgia. Our culture is homophobic, racist, heterosexist, et al. However, a part of coming into one's self is struggling and overcoming all of that. My only point with my family is that after it's all said and done, home should be a place of refuge filled with love, respect, and adoration after fighting with society's ills. One shouldn't have to go out into the world and fight demons and then come home and put up another Hellish fight with family. I want the family to accept and support Alex where he is now and for the person that he will grow up to be.

Nevertheless, I have invited my 18 year old brother and 16 year old sister to come back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I never get to spend much time with them anymore. They grew up so fast. And sometimes it's hard to accept how much they admire me. They're so excited at the idea of visiting through New Year's. I'll get to watch my brother raid my closet and drape himself in old A/X, FCUK, A&F, and vintage pieces while looking like the last Metrosexual. My sister will just hang on to every word that comes out of my mouth, while being an observing and absorbing shadow.

Happy Holidaze!!!

I'm a Visual Mathemetician...

TSB sent me an Emode link to test my IQ. Usually, I abhor such "tests" and "quizzes" but I decided to take this one. Plus, in the art and essence of competition (the link was sent to the other members of The Fab Ones--my three best friends) I eagerly submitted my answers to the website.

I scored a 124...but I don't know what that really means without paying $14.95 to get the personalized 15-page IQ report. Ugghh!! All the website told me was:

"This means you are gifted at spotting patterns -- both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction -- especially in the workplace."--Emode

Whatever...

Looking For Mr. Goodbar--Judith Rossner

Here's an update to my quest for companionship...(that sounds so pitiful)

Men4Now
I'm thinking about retiring my Men4Now profile. Every other person on there complains about people using fake pictures on their profiles. That's so interesting to me. What are people's intentions when they finally meet someone and the truth is revealed!? I've met two people from this website. I was not deceived by any of their images online, luckily. I had lunch with one and I stopped by the other one's house on my way home from work one night. They were...okay. It's a totally different dynamic when you leave cyberland and enter the real world. It just wasn't as passionate once we were in one another's company. So both fizzled...

Gay.com
I met two White guys! That was a first for me. A coworker of mine (black female) told me that she sees me with a white boy. I was haunted by that statement for two days. What did she mean by that? I asked her and she replied, "I don't know. I just see you dating white guys." As a person who likes challenges, I went for it on Gay.com. Total busts! I felt like I betrayed Harriet, Sojourner, DuBois, Sista Souljah, and all of the African diaspora! I conversed as pleasantly as possible and promised to call them both later. I have too many issues right now for me to take it there.

Baby Boy
Baby Boy and I talk daily. We've had several "sleepovers" (I ask my Mama if he can spend the night...lol) and I've found myself becoming attached. I am very cautious though. I have to remind myself that he's basically still a kid. A "house kid" at that. I discovered through conversation that he is an active participant in Atlanta's gay ballroom scene. And I don't usually involve myself with gang bangers. I don't want to be too judgemental, so only time will tell.

Jamaica
Jamaica called me the following night after we met.

Jamaica: I'm sorry about last night.
me: (playing dumb) What for?
Jamaica: I don't know, but you seemed upset when you left.
me: Don't worry about it. It was my fault. I was so tired last night.

We have been playing phone tag since that conversation.

And the saga continues...

It's getting late...Why you gotta be here?--Floetry

12:49am Cell phone rings...

me: Hello?
Unknown caller: Wassup?
me: Nothing...what's goin on?
Unknown caller: Nothing
me: (clearing my throat) I'm sorry...who is this?
Unknown caller: Jamaica...we met at Colours.
me: Okay...(silence)...when?
Jamaica: You wrote your number on a napkin. Home and cell...
me: What do you look like?
Jamaica: Light skin Jamaican from Jersey...buck sixty...six feet tall...
me: Hmmm...I don't remember meeting anyone...When was this?
Jamaica: It's been a minute...my moms passed...i went back to Jersey.
me: Okay...I don't remember...so wassup?
Jamaica: What time you work tomorrow?
me: Going in around noon. why?
Jamaica: I thought we could get together. Get some tea.
me: (thinking to myself: "Just like a damn Jamaican wanting some damn tea at this time of night") At one in the morning?
Jamaica: I mean we can meet up and figure it out.
me: I don't even remember you.
Jamaica: You will when you see me...promise
me: (smiling and laughing like a naive lil' girl) Whatever, yo.
Jamaica: I live in Lil' 5 Points

Jamaica's house phone rings in the background. I am put on hold for approximately 6 minutes as he answers. Why I hold? I don't know. Something is intriguing me.

Jamaica: Sorry. My best friend is going through something. You rolling through?
me: I don't know. Directions? Lemme take a shower. I'll call you back.

TSB: Hello?
me: Hey!
TSB: I called you earlier...
me: (interrupts) Why this guy called me saying I gave him my number at Colours and I have no recollection of any said guy?
TSB: You are so tired...
me: I need to stop drinking so much. Well, he asked me to stop by...
TSB: But you don't remember him...
me: Well, I haven't been as active as you and Gianni these pass two weeks, so...
TSB: Whatever! This could be a set up!
me: What?
TSB: The Ex...
me: You stupid! Why you trying to scare me?
TSB: (laughter)
me: Umma take a shower and pray on it and call you back...
TSB: (more laughter)

1:40am Driving to Jamaica's house. Baby Boy calls, I don't answer. The mystery has me excited. I arrive and he greets me with housephone to ear and beckons me inside. I DO NOT remember him. He's just as he described...cute in an average kind of way...accent a bit thicker in person. I sit on the couch. He continues the phone conversation. I watch CNN for about 10 minutes when he pauses to see the Strom Thurman/Black daughter story with commentary with whomever he is on the phone with. I listen too. Segment ends. His conversation continues.

me: (TSB's voicemail) I made it. That's "tired" that you're not answering your phone, but I'm safe.

I look at the decor of the apartment noticing family photos, mail on the coffee table, how all of the lights are on, the huge safari plants, and the smell of Patchouli inscense. Finally he tells the caller that he's being rude. (duh!) It is approaching 2:30am and he begins to tell me about his friend's drama...blah...blah...blah. And then he also tells me about his brother driving into Atlanta from Alabama at that moment and he is up waiting for his arrival. I listen. Then he gets quiet. We both stare at the television out of awkardness. I think to myself, If he makes a sexual move I guess I will cooperate...he's kinda cute...DAMN I'm tired...why am I here?... Then he tosses a napkin on my left knee. Sure enough...it's my name, home, and cell phone numbers in my very own manuscript.

me: (laughter) But I still don't remember you.
Jamaica: (laughter)

More awkward silence and television watching.

me: You're wide awake, huh?
Jamaica: Yeah, I usually work nights at the Marriott...Accounting...and I'm waiting on my brother. Are you tired?
me: (nodding yes slowly while my face is turned in the direction of the TV) Yep.

More awkward silence and television watching.

Jamaica: Are you asleep?
me: I think I dosed off.
Jamaica: You wanna call me tomorrow? I get off at 11.
me: At night?
Jamaica: Yeah.
me: That'll work.

I stumble to the door wondering why I came over to this boy's house? Then I wonder why he invited me? Inside I get angry for wasted time. He opens the door. I exit.

Jamaica: Call me when you get home.
me: (shaking my head in disgust, giving no response)

I drive home complaining about wasted time and then get in the bed and drift away. And it is only until now that I realize that I am the "tired" one for having such a low expectation for him and myself by simply considering the situation a booty call. I am so embarrassed. I probably won't call him tonight.

Beyonce: "I've been born to do this. I want to be a triple threat, you know? I'm able to dance, sing, act, and I also write and produce. And that's very rare. They want to say it's because of the sexy clothes or it's because whatever else. No, it's because I'm talented. And I just want to be acknowledged for that."--Dateline NBC's
"Backstage Pass" with Katie Couric

After reading about Beyonce's most recent performance from kevinrscott and then once again from keithboykin, I realize that this girl is really "letting me have it!" Each time I want to discredit this newly crowned phenom for being a product of bad/good publicity + blatant sexuality + the help of a relentless stage dad, she performs on Oprah...the Billboard awards...and even an AIDS in Africa benefit and leaves my jaw gaping in awe. I never denied the girl's talent and I have to admit that she is recreating the prototype for the total package. And if history serves itself correctly (i.e. Diana, Tina, Aretha...and Mary's dramatic rise), this could probably be the makings of a new icon. But we'll see...I must say that I fear a Ja-Rule-esque bout with over-exposure real soon though.

Baby boy you stay on my mind...Fulfill my fantasies...I think about you all the time...I see you in my dreams--Beyonce

After leaving P.A.L.S. Bingo last night, I contemplated how I would continue my efforts at being a newly divorced socialite. So I called Gianni to see if he had plans. He didn't. Nevertheless, I listened to him recount the final moments leading up to his recent disunion as I sped down Interstate 85. DRAMA!!! I listened ever so intently, carefully choosing my responses because it wasn't too long ago that I was playing the same role in another tired theatrical production of "Deez Niggaz is Crazy!" So after a lengthy conversation which did not lead to any definitive plans for recreation, Gianni decided to finish watching Gigli. (Huh!?) I let him. EB momentarily calls as Floetry's video for 'Wanna B Where U R' ends on Midnight Love. He asks if I plan to go to Halo. I had considered it. And now my interest was renewed. I was not in the mood for dressing up (Halo's a trendy spot), so I kept on my white t-shirt, jeans, PRO-Keds, and NY Mets jacket. I knew that this would be a different kind of night when EB greeted me at the bar with, "You lookin real trade-ish!?" Soon after, I ran into a Dillard alum that I hadn't seen in a minute. After two pints of Stella Artois, Dillard and I walked over to Bulldogs. I stepped it up a notch with Vodka and Cranberry. The next thing I knew, I was letting this man back "it" up and do an erotic slow wind on me as I leaned against an arcade machine. After the vertical lap dance, Dillard and I made our rounds around the bar. And that was when I noticed Baby Boy on the dancefloor. Cafe au lait, low fade, pretty, college boy kunt. He wore plaid pants in an eccentric fashionable kind of way. I pointed him out to Dillard who was working someone, unbeknowst to me, at the bar. (I could sense the body language) So I made my advance towards the dancefloor near Baby Boy until our bodies met and writhed in syncopation to a digitized Timbaland track. It felt good. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the edge of his bed watching him put his PJ's on. While sitting there, I noticed not one...not two...not three...but four different incarnations of Spongebob Squarepants.

me: So, how old are you?
Baby Boy: nineteen
me: (gagging and wondering to myself how he got into the club) Ok

me: What's with Spongebob?
Baby Boy: Just a little fascination. My friends and family always buy me Spongebob if they see him at a store or something.
me: Ok

I decided to continue robbing the cradle. I mean, what's seven years!? Age ain't nothing but a number!? Right!? Demi/Ashton!? Vivica/50 Cent!?

So after an uncomfortable few minutes kissing on his twin bed, I suggest we go back to my place. Sex was out of the question at this point, so we talked and held each other into our slumber. Morning came and went. Afternoon came and went. Evening (5:00pm), I drove him back home and I went to work. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed his company. We laughed and teased. We watched videos and even Oprah together. Conversation revealed atleast a 21 year old's maturity. So I guess, we'll just take it slow and see what happens.

I love me some Oprah!

The incomparable, Oprah Winfrey, was on Larry King last night:

KING: Do you pinch yourself saying, come on, you're one of the most powerful women in the world. Maybe -- certainly in the top five. Do you ever say to yourself, wow?

WINFREY: Larry, that's a good -- no. I don't say to myself wow I'm in the top five. I don't think...

KING: I don't mean that. I mean, that you've made it.

WINFREY: I think -- I marvel every day of my life. Because first of all, I start out the day with a form of meditation or prayer. Some kind of thoughtful inward look at myself and something bigger than myself. I try to do that every day. Not just wow but marvel at this life. I mean, I was born in Mississippi in 1954. And all that means. There are people watching that knows what that means and people that don't know what that means. Well, 1954, Mississippi was the most racist state in the United States. We had more lynchings in that state per county than any state in the union. And I was born during the year of Brown vs. Board of Education which was the year that really brought about a sense of hope to then colored people. We were called at the time. To believe that life could be better. That you would no longer have to go to a school that was segregated with you having books that were less than the other children. With you not having the right -- the proper facilities and the proper tools to which to learn. I was born in that year.

KING: And now look.

WINFREY: So, when I hear Paul Simon sing "Born at the Right Time" I think, he is singing about me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CALLER: My question for you is, first of all, I just want to say that I admire what you do for people. Spiritually, if anything else. My question for you is, I'm 24. At 24, Oprah, what were you doing? Because I am lost.

WINFREY: ...I will say this, because I have god daughters and nieces who are in their 20s, and I would say that the 20s are the time when you feel the most lost. As I was saying to Larry earlier, I have kept a journal all these years, and so since I was 15, and my journal when I was 24 and 25, I go -- I look back at that journal and I weep for that woman. Because I was so pathetic. Even though I was working in news, I was so disorganized. I mean, I drove this little Chevy Chevette (ph) and my car was the junkiest car in Maryland. I would, like, roll my hair and leave the windows down, because I didn't have air conditioning.

WINFREY: ...but 24, the 20s are the time when you're finding out who you are. And so if you're ever going to be lost, 24 is the time to be seeking and finding yourself. So don't -- this is what I say to people in their 20s, don't beat yourself up about it. That's a time when you always feel like that's why this -- I remember writing in a journal once, that's why they call that show "The Young and the Restless," because you always feel like you're not doing enough, you're not getting ahead. You wish you were doing more, and why -- why aren't things more settled? They're not supposed to be in your 20s.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CALLER: I would like to ask you, what motivates you on a daily basis? What motivates you to get up everyday and do what you do.

KING: Yes, because you don't have to financially.

WINFREY: Well, I think this. I think everybody has to figure out a way -- I think the real job of your life is figuring out what is the job of your life. What is your calling? And I think everybody is called here to earth to do something special. I think there's not a person born that doesn't have a gift to offer in some way. And so, your job is not just to do what your parents say, what your teachers say, what society says, but to figure out what your heart calling is and to be led by that. And for me, from a very early age, it was talking, talking in the church. I'm grounded, you know, spiritually having been brought up through the church. But spirituality means more to me than religion or church. Knowing yourself and known there's something bigger than yourself. So, what motivates me as a human being is being able to understand that I am here and what a gift it is. What a gift. Every single day. And that's not just rhetoric or, you know, blah blah celebrity stuff. It is just, jeez. I just sometimes I...

KING: Do you ever not want to go in?

WINFREY: I never not want -- first of all, back to the question of what motivates me. What motivates me is being able to fulfilling my potential. And keep growing into myself. I finally, feel like now I'm going to be 50 so maybe I'm grown.

WINFREY: What motivates me is trying to best what I've always done. How do you get better? How do you grow better? And so...

KING: Top yourself?

WINFREY: Not even topping as much as it is fulfilling the potential. We all have great potential here on earth.

She is simply, the best.

Big Post of Life List-The Remix-Courtesy of Negro, Please Don't Hurt 'Em!

5 things wrong in my field of vision right now:
*Reoccuring reminiscent thoughts of the Ex (That's natural, right!? It don't mean I'm backsliding. I know what's best.)
*Loss of will power to get my ass into the gym and start my Mark Jenkins workout
*Still smoking cigarettes...even through a recent bout with the flu
*Owe 2 creditors a few coins
*Procrastination...CHES certification...researching Ph.D programs

4 things you wish you had:
*A car (preferrably a Range Rover) that was born in the new millennium
*High rise condo at the Metropolis
*A singing voice that rivals Luther, Donnie, Marvin, and Stevie.
*A Love of my Life

4 smells you love:
*Ol skool Lagerfeld cologne
*"Regular" gasoline
*Fried chicken
*Leather

4 things you are thinking about:
*How hard this list actually is
*Queer Eye for the Queer Guy
*Blacks and Gay Marriage
*...I stretch my hands to Thee...Come rescue me...I need you right away...I need you now...-Smokie Norful

4 things you did today
*Gotta haircut
*Worked
*Blogged
*Chilled

5 songs of the right now:
*You don't know my name-Alicia Keys
*She is-Carl Thomas
*Through the wire-Kanye West
*Rubberband man-T.I.
*Change clothes-Jay-Z

Last thing you...
did: write this entry
read: Kanye West's bio
watched on tv: music videos on BET

Who do you want to..
kill: No one
hear from: The Ex, one of the 5 things wrong in my field of vision right now!
look like: me
be like: me

Last song you heard: Through the wire-Kanye West
Last movie you saw: Kill Bill
Last movie you saw on the big screen: Kill Bill
Last thing you had to drink: Cherry Kool-aid
Last thing you ate: Cajun fried catfish, collard greens, lima beans, baked sweet potato
Last time you cried: 12-02-2003 On the plane from NYC back to ATL...I was so sick with the flu...miserably stuck on the plane looking out the window into the heavens
Last time you danced: Last night...alone...Kelis's Milkshake video came on. Sometimes I pretend to be an Atlanta shakedancer!
Last person you hugged: Kerwin
Last thing you said: "Well, you know!? I got it like that."
Last person you talked to online: Sexxyeyes
Last thing you smelled: food
Last car ride: my car, on my way to work
Last CD played: WOW Gospel 2003
Last item bought: Vodka and cranberry at The Lion's Den

Albums played on the regular right now:
Worldwide Underground-Erykah Badu
Surrender-Kindred The Family Soul
The Diary of Alicia Keys-Alicia Keys
The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of 'Lady Sings the Blues'-Diana Ross

What do the lonely do for Christmas?

As I listen to the Urban Holiday Station on Launchcast, I am reminded that I pass by two Christmas tree stands on my way home everyday. I keep telling myself that I will stop and buy one. Then I realize how pathetic it would be. I'd be so melancholic. Not to mention, on yesterday I saw my neighbors (a couple) unloading their tree from the car. I began to imagine their little decorating project...

Papi's carrying and guiding the base of the tree into their front door as Wife-y holds the tip. Coats, scarves, and gloves off, he soon begins to set the tree into the stand. "Is it straight...or crooked?" Finally, it's perfect. She adjusts the crackling logs in the fireplace and then the pair unpack the lights, garland, and ornaments. Boyz II Men's "Let it Snow" is playing in the background as she winds around the tree illuminated by 500 streaming lights guided by her man. They perform the same dance as the garland is added. She tosses crimson ornamental balls at his head as he teases her about how ghetto her Mama's tree was when they visited for Thanksgiving. Laughter continues to fill the air as the last of the ornaments are added. He finally tops the tree with a golden metallic star. They clean up the mess that they made. The lights in the house are turned off, leaving their Christmas tree shimmering. The two naturally embrace, relishing in another Christmas together.

Maybe I should just wrap a stream of lights around the banister of my balcony. That's simple enough.

My bird landed amongst the mechanical flock and I exited into Gotham City with Hellified fearlessness...

Thanksgiving Thursday
Party of 6 in Harlem at 131st hosted by my good friend, The Hairstylist. We gave thanks. Lots and lots of stimulating conversation. Ipods...home decor...celebrity culture..."Abercrombie's My Bitch"...Karma..."What would you do?"... Then more Zinfandel and maybe some Absolut Citron and cranberry. Ended up in Clinton Hills, Brooklyn with TSB after a stroll through a deserted Greenwich Village.

Friday
Ran errands with TSB in downtown Brooklyn. Stopped in a Goodwill store to search for vintage finds. Surprisingly successful. Took a break. Met up with Gianni (who flew in from ATL), TSB, The Hairstylist, and X5 (who flew in from New Orleans) at Day-O. Took in spirits and libation at the corner bar until the sound system went out. Still can't figure out why management was so rude!? The posse hailed two cabs to Brooklyn so that a few wardrobe changes could take place before we made our way to the next venue...Da Playground...you know? Three scintillating floors of New York's finest. We took in more of the Devil's nectar...I opted for Long Island's own Iced Tea. As planned, I ran into my friend Q, who I had phoned on Thanksgiving since we hadn't seen or really spoken to each other in about a year. Party & Bullsh*t!!! So much was going on that night and a Lush, such as myself, can't hardly recall it all... I know I was giving and receiving cell numbers most of the night. All you could see were blue and green cell phone illumination as the exchanges were taking place. My cohorts for the night were working full time in their own regards, but that's Sex and the City. I congratulated Phillip Bloch, Halle Berry's stylist, outside of the club for all of his good work. I don't know if he was incognito or what. Everytime I see him out he is quietly alone. Maybe that's his modus operandi to "get a date." The gang came out together...but left individually...

Saturday
I woke up and was introduced to Q's roommate...

Our hands met, thumbs intertwined
One firm signal of excitement.
My eyes glided to the floor, too nervous to ever meet his...again.
I sneaked a peek at his coy smile as he mouthed off irrelevance.
3 seconds...feeling like eternity.
How can anyone make morning look so good?
Barefoot...fresh faced...teeth brilliant from a recent brushing.
Time is becoming finite.
My breath is gone. None left to speak...
Chance lost...again.

So I left the Upper East Side to go to Times Square to the TKTS booth for Broadway tickets. After 2 1/2 hours in the blistering cold, I got tickets to Rent. Wanted Aida to see Michelle Williams, but I wasn't disappointed. Q and I then had lunch at Cafeteria. I HATED my spinach and cheddar omelette with a passion. The restaurant looks amazingly trendy but the food was so bland! We then hit it up to 125th to shop for some urban digs for later that night.

The Hairstylist and I went to the Nedarlander Theatre to experience Rent. It was my second viewing...his first. So I enjoyed experiencing it with him for the first time. The cast was great. I would have preferred a stronger performance for Angel...but it was good enough. "No day but today..."

Met up with the crew for a party at Bayou on 125th and Lenox. It reminded me of the B2B parties in Atlanta. I was so excited to see Keith Boykin there. That made my night! TSB did the most to acqaint himself really well with Mr. Boykin.

Left there and went to the Warehouse up in the Bronx. Total change of atmosphere...Night and Day... We got real gutter and partied until 7:30am.

Sunday
Walked down 125th to get bootlegs. Yes, I admit it. I purchase bootleg CD's and books. It's about economics right now for me. Got Alicia Keys' "Diary" and Alice Walker's The Way Forward is With a Broken Heart. Had Sunday dinner at "Manna's." Then the group went to Escuelita to see Harmonica.

Monday
And I rested. Bad bad cold...

Tuesday
Back in da ATL

I love New York!

11-27-2003 to 12-2-2003...

My milkshake...

Since the break up, I keep telling myself that I need to put myself out there in an effort to move on. But this past weekend shall go down in history as one of the best observational studies I have ever personally conducted to serve as a testament to the challenge that I now face.

Friday
I had dinner with Gianni (formerly known as Carl), Donatella and friends of Donatella at the Landmark Diner after the Vibe Awards (a HOT mess!). Donatella and I go to the bar to smoke and converse. She tells me how she was going to get one of her friends (who we left seated at the table) to buy her some Ferragamo but she has decided against it because she is deciding to seriously commit herself to her boyfriend in Toronto. I puff...exhale...and puff again as she goes on about how she needs to stop gold digging. I keep my comments neutral as I listen to her lament. I wonder why she feels that she HAS to get as much as she can from men? I then ask her what are the guys' expectations from her. She SWEARS that she isn't sleeping with them. Okay...

The friends were dismissed and myself, Gianni, and Donatella ended up at Halo and then to Club Colours. All the while, I began to understand much more readily Gianni (who happens to be one of my best friends) and Donatella's relationship. They have this warped dependence on men/boyfriends that I haven't figured out. I'm realizing that it is okay to be in a relationship wherein one person is more of a provider of sorts. (I guess!?!) But Gianni and Donatella...they have significant others who are providers yet they are still seeking "things" outside of the relationship. I can't handle the "get what you can get" mentality. However as an aside, I have my own issues with this topic and gay men. I think each man should be independently living or atleast have the ability to be independent within the relationship. In other words, HAVE YOUR OWN SHIT! I have problems with the idea that one man is looking for another man to take care of him. And I later try to explain to Donatella that there is an entirely different dynamic and expectation that exists in gay relationships...while some men do exactly what she is doing, others do not. And in my experience, that type of role playing isn't what is necessarily expected. Then we party hardy...run into other friends at the club...but I meet no dates.

Saturday
Went with Nicole to see My Boyfriend the Stripper. It was surprisingly lighthearted and comical. There was only one black actor (unless you count Matthew Rush who I don't think identifies as such). And the one black character had to be a tired hypocritical academician who fucks the young white boys he teaches. That left me disgruntled...but I laughed anyway.

I then met up with Gianni for a fashion show at the Biltmore. There we watched another friend, Maxwell, walk the show. I thought that this would provide the perfect opportunity to mingle since the Beautiful Ones were out. But my Gaydar was just not in good condition at this point. What is with this Metrosexual bullshit!? Every goodlooking, polished, stylish, sexy brother that seemed to reak GAY...later turned out to be questionably straight at the end of the night when the question was posed to friends and associates. What!?!

Myself, Gianni, Maxwell and two other friends then are invited to a houseparty whereby I vicariously learn that gay men can be so TIRED as it is discovered that two of the passengers in the car are sharing the same date while the entire caravan heads to this houseparty where, OF COURSE the guy in question is there waiting. Things are explained with an "it's a small world" philosophy. No hard feelings. I'm certain that all parties will continue to "date." I guess you might as well share a man in this day and age...

Most people from the party eventually filed out and went to the Brutha2Brutha party at Spice. As I look across the dancefloor I wonder how Atlanta can be home to so many black gay men... {My milkshake brings all the boyz to the yard...they're like its betta than yours...} And in between the boom of the 808 the thought was abruptly broken. One of the people that came out with the group is female and this guy is really "doing the most" to get her attention. She obliges with a dance. He is stuck to her like a bee to honey for the remainder of the night. Why!? Then I remember that this event is for "men in the life" and the life, I reckon, includes such intermixing. She tells me later how he adamantly proclaimed that he was a top and continued to describe "how he gets down." Funny!?

Sunday
I thought long and hard about Friday and Saturday. The pessimist in me sees all of the barriers that I face. I chill at home all day long. I only left the house to return a DVD to Blockbuster. I talk on the phone with friends and then fall asleep.

Today
Back at work...Thanksgiving potluck (I don't eat everybody's cooking!)...ate all of the "safe" foods. Office chatter: Micheal Jackson, Gay Marriage, Thanksgiving plans, blah blah blah...I close my eyes real tight and wish that I was a Hermit crab with a shell to retract into.

Doing the most...

So last night I dressed my trendiest and went to Halo. And I expectantly ran into the Ex. According to the DeKalb County Order of Restraint, we aren't supposed to be within 50 yards of one another. So we made eye contact and stayed on separate levels. Ugghhh! This is what I have to look forward to from now on. We are always going to run into each other. Luckily, I was accompanied by four of my good friends. That way I was not able to think about his presence for at least 40% of the time. I couldn't help from allowing myself to see who he was with. Not that it really mattered at this point, but I just wanted to see. I recognized them all. While together, we never really befriended each other's friends so there is no awkwardness with that. Thank God! For now, I'll just have to continue to wait for time to heal.

Dan from Real World Miami and porn star Matthew Rush were at Halo last night too. They are in a play called My Boyfriend the Stripper that is doing a run in Atlanta. My friend, Nicole, used her feminine prowess to garner us free passes for tomorrow night.

And to date I've received 19 messages to my M4N profile. I provide a link to this blog so there's no confusion with the type of person that I am. I actually have gotten cool feedback from people who have ACTUALLY taken the time to read this thing. Sometimes it just feels like therapuetic release when I make my entries. I don't consider the fact that people are really reading this and to my surprise find entertainment in it. But as of now, my M4N buddies and I are just exchanging "imails" with one another. No real dialogue.

Then again:

Me: {after reviewing profile and pic} sup? just hittin u up. u appear to be normal...attractive... some of these niggaz in here r crazy for real. lol hit me back if that's wassup!

M4N boy: normal: i'm not. attractive: completely relative. every one is crazy. most people just have compatible psychosis and don't know that they are crazy. it's only a problem for those of us that do.

Me: I disagree. To me, normalcy is what's relative. And to dismiss one finding you attractive as relative is...interesting. If I find you attractive, then for all intents and purposes you are. I wasn't discussing anyone else's viewpoint regarding your appearance but my own. And if we're using the term "crazy" loosely (as I was), then I can walk with you in that we all have our issues. But I wouldn't deem them psychoses...that's a little severe. However, your reply proves my point in recognizing that you are different from the rest in here. Thanks for the dialogue.

I feel like I may have done too much!? He really is a cute guy... I just felt like his reply was kinda arrogant. And I only wanted to share my view point. I'll await his response.

His response:

M4N boy: You're right, normalcy is relative but then so is everything in reality, including reality itself. Your blogs are...interesting. Although I am a little concerced about the EJH(?) thing. Additionally, I appreciate the compliment and should have said so the fist time. As far as the pyschoses, if you really evaluate the nature of people, it becomes increasingly evident. True enough on an individual level but amazingly even more so as a collective.

I feel better. :-)

You ain't gon find no husband at da club!

So a few months ago I heard about another online hookup site that has apparently become very popular in Atlanta. At the time, I deemed myself "married" and thought of myself as "beyond" all of that child's play, so I dismissed it. But how easily that fantasy turned into a nightmare (yesterday's blog).

Well...I created a profile on Men4Now.com today. I know that I am setting myself up for utter disappointment. {My Grandma used to tell my Aunts, "You ain't gon find no husband at da club!" It's basically with that premise that I look at online dating.} I actually don't even know what I am looking for. I don't think I would have even set up a profile if the website had not actually been so easy to navigate. It actually is a really good site with several ways to "get to know" people, so I understand it's popularity. There are over 400 men in my local area "logged in now" with a majority of them being men of color...almost ALL! I think the website might be programmed to display people I might be interested in based upon my profile that I set up initially. Then, (catch this!) I can utilize the "legend/icon" feature to actually select my preferred top, bottom, versatile, oral, or escort and initiate conversation. WOW! It's just that easy! Click! Then presto....dick! It's just too easy!? (sarcasm)

Then I moved on to Gay.com and set up another profile. It wasn't as simple. I am not very confident in that ad. It required typing a LOT of text which I wasn't prepared to do. And then it seems to be a white gay male site. Not that I have any issues dating outside of my race...but I don't believe that they're looking for me. But I did meet muy caliente from Clarkston by way of Spain in the chat room. I'll see what happens with that. He said he's looking for "fun" but I am sure fun = sex. We'll see...

Since typing this blog, I've received 2 messages for my M4N profile. One a total bust. The other...cute...biracial mulatto...claims he's "just looking for cool peeps." Hmmm...

Oh, I'm going to NYC for Thanksgiving!

Playground
Escuelita
Greenwich Village
Juniors
Warehouse
Langston's
AIDA
H&M
SoHo
125th
Day-O
Buttercup Lounge
Octagon
NYU
West Elm
Old friends
College alum
New friends

So much to do...

Emancipation Proclamation

Based upon my last blog, I was pondering what I could accomplish in 2 months. I decided it definitely had to do with Self. It had to be something empowering...something uplifting...something life altering.

I perused my daily routine and realized only three days after I wrote the last blog what I needed to do:

11-7-2003
After suffering from a cycle of disrespect and lovin' that dates back to last year...I am in the kitchen, EJH is in my bedroom watching television.

Me: (running into bedroom to answer cell phone) Hello?
TSB: What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing...What do you mean?
TSB: I just called you.
Me: (turning toward EJH who was alone in my room briefly) Did you answer my cell phone?
EJH: Yep...Who is TSB?...Why he call you so much?
TSB: (on cell phone) I knew that wasn't you. I was talking and then I just hung up.
Me: He think we fuckin'!

***SLAP...to the back of the head from EJH to me***

Me: (stunned) Lemme call you back!
EJH: (filled with rage) Don't you ever disrespect me in front of your friends!
Me: (shocked and awed)
EJH: I didn't mean to hit you. I'm sorry. You be making me mad.
Me: Okay (walks out of room)

Now I am in my living room terribly disappointed because this is a reenactment of last year. And this nigga, of course, promised that "he had changed!" I know that a confrontation right now would fuel the flame so I ignore my anger and make him believe that I accept his apology. He makes plans to spend the night. I cringe. I lay in the dark. He asks me to hold him. I shrink while throwing my weak arm around his waist. Morning didn't come fast enough. He left for work. Called me several times throughout the day. Finally I answered.

11-8-2003
Me: Hello?
EJH: What you doing?
Me: Nothing
EJH: What's wrong?
silence
EJH: You still love me?
silence
Me: I don't think we can be together.
EJH: Is this your way of being with TSB?
EJH: Hope y'all have a good life together.
click...dial tone.

I knew that that was too easy. Within a weeks time, he had called relentlessly. I refused to answer the phone. He left crazy messages. He circled the parking lot of my apartment complex nightly. He attempted to kick the door in when he saw my silhouette as I peeked through the blinds to see where he was in the parking lot. He left notes on my door. He called one of my best friends at work and made up one of the worst lies I thought possible. It really showed his character.

11-12-2003
I filed a stalking temporary protective order against him. He was served the papers the following day.

11-16-2003
Knocked on my door begging to talk for "10 seconds." The door never opened. Ran into him at The Lion's Den. Whispered in my ear to "please just talk to me for 2 seconds." Made the same request from my friend that I was out with. Both refused.

Today 11-19-2003
He and I appeared before the court and signed a permanent restraining order barring contact. We never exchanged a glance nor a word.

I am empowered...uplifted...and my life has been altered.

Now I gotta deal with the emotional baggage...

Diddy Ran da City!

I have truly grown to really admire P.Diddy in the last 2 days. I saw him last night on Oprah After the Show and was intrigued by his sudden maturity. I must admit that I was a little suspect with all of the media hype for the marathon. I mean...come on...Diddy running on the treadmill on MTV's TRL with Loon's CD yelling, "Cop that!" with each stride. But I can respect the feat! Congratulations!

Now lemme see what I can push my self to accomplish in 2 months...hmmm...

Whose keepin da DL on da down low?

I received anotha damn DL email that friends and associates wanted my opinion on. And it read:

"Something to share with our children.

GREETINGS SISTERS AND BROTHERS WITH SISTERS, JUST WANTED TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU. AFTER READING IT PLEASE SEND IT TO THE SISTERS IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK. WE'VE GOT TO SPREAD THE WORD. AWFUL, JUST AWFUL.

This is not a very nice topic to discuss but I feel I need to share this information with my sisters in Christ. Last Saturday, Kisha & I went to a seminar where a man named J.L. King was speaking on the subject of "DL Brothers". The "DL" stands for Down Low or Double Lives.

Now, what makes this so interesting is that Mr. King is a DL brother. South Carolina is #8 in the nation for HIV/AIDS new cases. African American women are 80% of all new cases and they are contracting the virus from men who are having sex with other men but they are doing this on the "Down Low". These men say they are not gay... they are heterosexual but just sleep with men once in awhile. These are men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, and men that say they hate those "faggots".

Mr. King shared his life story and said he knows a lot of "DL" brothers in the NBA/NFL and even in the entertainment world. To prove his point: On Thursday, the director of the Tri-County Collaboration for the prevention of HIV/AIDS, Valerie King (no relation) took J.L. to a Charleston Club and introduced him to 5 men she knew. These men were respected men at work and church. Valerie excused Herself for about 15-20 minutes. In that time J.L. had gotten 3 of the 5 men's phone numbers to hook up with later. By the end of the evening he also got 10 female numbers.

He said the reason he is talking about this is his fear that his grown daughter may run into a "DL" brother and never know. These men are masters in the art of lying and living that double life. His wife thought it was wonderful that he worked so hard in the church with different men on different projects right up to the time he had to tell her he was HIV positive. This, needless to say, destroyed his family and his marriage. He has 3 grown children who now have to live with the knowledge that their father gave their mother HIV and possibly AIDS. I know of one man in my own church that is a "DL" brother and has AIDS. (Because what you do on the "DL" will come out in the light) J.L. mentions that this is a widespread epidemic here in Charleston.

I went on the web site and looked up several references on HIV/AIDS in the South. The numbers are showing whites are going down but African Americans are going up & up... mostly heterosexual African American women. I have been asking myself all week... what is this world coming to? When is God going to say... this is enough (I think God has already said this is enough and now we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience. There is a penalty for walking in our own way and doing things our own way contrary to God.)

This is truly the work of the enemy! Ladies, this is also praying time. I have shared this with my youngest daughter too! I'm going to pass this message to as many females I know and I pray you do the same. Below are some web sites that you may find interesting. Once we understand that HIV/AIDS is not something that is just happening in Africa, that it is preventable, and that we as women understand the importance of knowledge on the subject then maybe we can make a difference.

God Bless You all!

http://www.livingdownlow.com/

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/health/jan-june01/aids_5-30.html

http://www.hivdent.org/publicp/ppUSCU022003.htm

http://www.natap.org/2003/april/042803_1.htm"


Oh really!? My reply:

As an African American gay male who happens to work in HIV/AIDS prevention, I find the email bothersome and offensive. I do not refute HIV/AIDS incidence and prevalence. We all know the disparities that exist within our community. To reiterate a previous comment, the bottom line is that COMMUNICATION IS KEY and SAFER SEX should be practiced by ALL.

However, the email just serves as evidence that the black community still cannot accept sexuality, in general. (gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, etc.)

The "DL" phenomenon is nothing new. Black men have been having sex with other black men for a long time. Can we (black folk) accept that fact? The supposed "Down Low" or "Double Life" man would not exist if he had a community to identify with and feel supported and accepted by. And are these supposed DL men "masters in the art of lying and living that double life?" Or are they simply assimilating and surviving in black homophobia?

And why is it so surprising that "respected men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, men in the NBA/NFL or in the entertainment industry" can be having sexual relationships with other men? Is this an argument based upon assumptions concerning male masculinity/femininity and sexual identity?

And what was the point of Mr. King's "experiment" at the Charleston club? Was it to display his hypersexuality? 13 phone numbers in 15-20 minutes...oh really!? Did he pass a sign in sheet around the club? If he received 3 out of 5
men's phone numbers at the club, then that is not really that surprising due to the ratio of homosexual/bisexual vs heterosexual men in the population. And if he received 10 female's numbers at the club then that is plausible due to "good black man shortage" if the females saw him as a potential mate. But I seriously, question Mr. King's mack!

And the Black church (our "foundation") has simply ignored the crisis of sexuality and responded with hellfire and brimstone conjure which only segregates and demonizes. If "we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience in God" then it is due to not understanding that God is Love, not Judgement. And I agree that this is a "praying time," but I am praying for Unity and Understanding.

Here are I few websites/articles that I recommend:

http://www.nyblade.com/2003/10-24/viewpoint/opinion/blackgay.cfm

http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_243/downlowsmedia.html

http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_242/gayorjust.html

"Houston," we have a problem...

Okay, okay...I have been known to (for whatever reasons) disassociate temporarily from family, friends, lovers (i.e. my recent blogger absence) at anytime. I call it "doing me." I may or may not answer phones or return emails. Alot of people have problems with it. I can understand to a certain extent. However, I feel like it is just a temporary departure from the hustle and bustle in an effort to slow down. I don't have any special ceremony or ritual that I do during these times but I just feel like I need it.

Consequently, here's an email from a friend:

***I have been deemed "Whitney" Houston for various perceived uncanny similarities none of which relate to narcotix usage. He is "Vanessa" Williams for reasons that I would only attribute to fanaticism.***

"Whits:

I dont understand. I thought that I had your
disappearing acts down to a science--you know, your
prolonged waits to exhale--but, this stunt is one that
I did not expect. I know "you doing you." I know "you
in love all over again with Bobby." I know you are
fortunate enough to have an "upper-level position at a
large research university." All of which can impeed
the ability to return a phone call, or two, or three,
or maybe even four, but you have not even responded to
my emails.
The shade has been caught. And that, I do understand.
I hope that you get back from "Israel" safely.

peace,
vanessa."

Hmmm....it's something for me to think about.

"Been gone for a minute...Now um back with the Jump Off..."-Kimberly Jones

Check out Digital DJs!

More tales to come VERY soon...I promise!

You don't know me like that...

Recap from Texas...
I'm back from a very scandalous training at the Hyatt in San Antonio, TX. There is, what I will call, a "conference phenomenon" that exists when you get individuals gathered in a city for trainings and seminars. It all begins after the day's sessions and there is nothing for the attendees to do in the evenings except cruise the hotel lobbies/bars and meet up with other attendees that they've met throughout the day. People with husbands, wives, lovers, and children begin to behave in ways that they probably normally would not had it not been for this microcosm created within the hotel environment.

CLUB (room) 833 and 1137 were stocked with a semi-full bar with snacks. So intriguing! I like my cocktails, so I of course didn't refuse the opportunity to mix the Devil's nectar. And as much as I tried to be cognizant of my surroundings...the alcohol took affect and before I knew it my guard was down. The rooms were getting a little too Eyes Wide Shut for me! I also wanted to hit up the gay scene in San Antonio. So I had to coax this guy from Ft. Lauderdale that I had been talking to accompany me out. He declined. I flirted with him until he agreed. I knew what I was doing, but I didn't think he did. Of course, when we were filing out everyone else wanted to come too. (It comes with being the life of the party!?) So we hailed 3 cabs and discovered The Saint. Myself, Ft. Lauderdale, and Los Angeles (whom I had just met) immediately went to the bar. All three of us were standing there and Los Angeles offered to buy me my drink. I smiled and hugged him in gratitude while a lifeless drag queen attempted to perform Beyonce's "Baby Boy!".

me: you didn't have to do that. thank you! (hug)
Los Angeles: nuttin to it.
me: (sipping cranberry/vodka)
Ft. Lauderdale: (leans in to me) i get you. i see how you work.
me: what!?
Ft. Lauderdale: it's all good. i ain't mad. you know how to work it.
me: what are you saying?
Ft. Lauderdale: nothing...don't worry about it.
me: no, what are you trying to say.
Ft. Lauderdale: nothing (turns his head)
me: i know what you're trying to say. but you don't know me like that!
Ft. Lauderdale: you know how to get what you want.
me: yo, chill.

I realize that Ft. Lauderdale may have been right. I feel like I am just a friendly person. In my mind, I know where the flirt in me begins and ends. No harm in it. I guess I should be more aware of what others may be feeling. I suppose Ft. Lauderdale thought that I would end my night with him since I did coax him out. But instead I am accepting drinks from other new found friends. And unbeknownst to him, I had EVERY intention of ending my night ALONE in room 544.

Nevertheless, we eventually left that club to go back to room 367 where the drunken group eventually wound down. Shout out to E from NYC "strumming my pain with his fingers" and C from DC "these gurls some teas!"

5:17am

me: hello?
ejh: i told you i was gon check on you. where you at?
me: just got back to the hotel...bout to go back to my room.
ejh: alone?
me: ha ha ha, yes!
ejh: d...
me: huh?
ejh: are you cheating on me?
me: no

It wasn't until 6:34am that I finally closed my eyes only to reopen them at 8:30am to make it to my 9am session. I just realize that I have a boyfriend. Thank God for Da Bux!

Remember the Alamo!

Been in San Antonio for work...

An email from a long lost friend...

I received an email from a classmate from fifth and sixth grade. Her mother ran into my mother and emails were exchanged. We were really good friends back in the day...me a lil' black boy...she a lil' white tom boy...oddly enough.

And it reads:

my kids are taking a test right now so i have some time to write... where do i start???

i teach high school. this is my 2nd year. came here from the univ. of kentucky where i got an MS in athletic training. my BS in sports medicine came from georgia southern university. i played 4 years on a softball scholarship there and had an honors program scholarship as well. can't argue w/ 6 yrs of free school. i am actually taking classes again for a teaching certificate. i passed the exam to get a 3-yr provisional, but i have to take 7 classes to get a clear renewable (a.k.a. keep my job) certificate. now i'm paying for school, and it is harsh. but i like my job and the people i work with well enough to endure this brief period of suffering. but i swear when i get done with class this time, i will NOT go back for a long long long time.

i am also an athletic trainer at the school. i work with every single team here, boys and girls. there is another man i work with that is primarily responsible for football and baseball, leaving everything else to me and even requiring my help with those as well. i stay busy, to say the least. this year i am also serving as an assistant softball coach and probably an assistant basketball coach too. i have to be here anyway, so i might as well help out and get paid extra to do so. i am one of the youngest people on staff here, so some of the old ladies don't like me all too much, but the coaches i work with are awesome!

away from school and work (which isn't much, sad to say) i live in lake park. i bought a condo on a golf course where i live with my 2 animals. my personal life is finally getting settled down. kinda. i got married in june 2001. i had to leave him in may 2002. the divorce was final in january of this year. i have become a statistic. i never planned on it happening that way. i was going to fall madly in love and stay married forever... it would have made a good story, but i think that was part of the problem. anyway, that is a long long story that doesn't need re-hashing right now. so i'm single again and loving every minute. i have a good group of friends/coworkers here and we go out sometimes. but as you can imagine, going out down here is nowhere near going out in atlanta. i am a southern girl and living where it is quieter and a little slower is nice for me. although i think my life is still a little fast-paced for some people here. the general consensus around here is that i'm crazy... imagine that. i just like to enjoy my life and have a good time. i have taken up golf and really enjoy it. i also bought a motorcycle and am in the process of becoming a better rider. my most outrageous undertaking, however, is skydiving. i started in april for spring break and haven't stopped. i absolutely love it!!! there isn't much around more better suited to my personality than jumping out airplanes! i actually jump in thomaston up around atlanta. you'll have to join me one day. ;-)

in other news, i have a niece (almost 2) and a nephew (1 month) who live in chicago but are the absolute joys of my life. my oldest bro. and his wife live in atlanta but have no children. mom and dad are right where they've always been, but my dad is a preacher now instead of a farmer.

ok, so i have written a ton. lot's to catch up on from 13 years past, huh? write whenever you want/can. look forward to hearing back from you.

jk

My reply:

Wow! A lot has happened for you!

Free education!?! You're so lucky! While most of my undergrad was paid for...I still have loans that are haunting me from grad school. It's so depleting when you look at how much you have to pay back and how much you're making in your career. You're like, "Was it worth it!?"

I've had 3 jobs since I finished school (already!?). One was a TEMPORARY consultant, the other a program manager for a small non-profit that WENT UNDER, and finally the one I have now in research. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I didn't technically get fired, but its just that the job market is crazy. Here today...gone tomorrow. I went 3 months unemployed. That was scary! I had bills and I found myself in the Department of Labor's unemployment office. I had lost any sense of pride. But those days are over...

I like the job I have now. But I, too, don't care for some of the people I work with. And I, too, am the youngest. So I know what that feels like. The co workers I have problems with are LAZY! And that includes my supervisor! He is such a procrastinator. I basically supervise him in a passive aggressive/reverse psychology kinda way. And he is clueless. I kindly suggest things for him to do, and he's like, "That's a good idea. I should do that." And I say to myself, "You idiot!?"

My social life is...interesting...to say the least. When I talk to people that I haven't seen in a while...I always get nervous about discussing my personal life. But I'm working on it.

Here goes...

Well, the past 6 years of my life have been me coming to grips with who I am and accepting me for me. I grew up in a really religious household (my stepfather is a minister). Whether I was with my mom's family or my dad's family...there was always this feeling of confinement. I don't fault any of them for it. I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood. But after I left for college in New Orleans, I experienced the first opportunity for independence and growth. I eventually "came out" and accepted the fact that I was gay. I told my mother and my father last year and they took it surprisingly well. They just have to accept the fact that there will be no wedding, no biological grandkids, etc. And my mother would prefer that I not tell ANYONE else. (hilarious!) So don't tell your mother who might mention it to my mother...blah blah blah. LOL!

I have been dating this guy off and on for about a year. Currently, we're on again. It's hard though. Sometimes I feel like it isn't fair because it'll be a long time (if ever?) before I can share my romantic life with my family and old friends. The social network I have now are friends from the last 6 years and present. So its easier.

I have a huge extended family because both my mother and my father are separately married with children. So that can get complicated. But I have four REALLY good friends that I met while in New Orleans. Two now live in Atlanta, one is in New Orleans, and the other is in New York. So that's how I get by.

I don't know if I'm the skydiving type!? That's too 'Road Rules' for me! But I may need the challenge...

I have to get back to work now. I hope this wasn't an overwhelming read! Write back!

me

Randomly thinking...

Queers:
I love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! And this weekend I caught an original episode with the first "Culture" guy before Jai...yep the infamous black Queer, Blair Boone!? And it's sad to say that I realize why he was recast...Where is the personality!? But over on MSN I noticed how the Queer I love to hate, Carson, is making the most of his 15 minutes of fame.

Unleash the Dragon:
Why Sisqo, why!?

Sorors:
Zeta who!?

Caushun:
I fear my honesty on this blog. I have shared it with a few people who know me...but I'm unaware of whether or not they even read it regularly. And do they even get it? Do I get it? I want to be able to say ANYTHING here. But now I'm starting to second guess myself.

I had a conversation with Carl last week:

me: wassup!
carl: i got your email.
me: oh yeah...
carl: who are you talking to on that website?
me: ummm...i'm just venting...alot of people do it...

And another conversation with Danielle:

danielle: what is that?
me: a web log
danielle: you just putting all your business out there...
me: yeah...ha ha ha
danielle: ha ha ha

We Meet Again...
We met months ago. We talked. Things became rather standoffish. You saw me out with a date...twice. We stopped speaking. I ran into you again on Saturday. You "lost my number." Now were reacquainted. Why do you prefer to text message me, rather than call? How do I tell you that I'm "in this situation?" Could we be? Will we ever know? Call me.

Love of My Life...

Erykah Badu's entire new album is online for preview today. This past Saturday, Danger had Traxx jumpin'! I like when you hear a song on the radio or on television...and you're like...."It's alright!?" Then you hear it in the club amplified to the highest level and the dancefloor is packed and you're already lushed -n- perspiring and that same mediocre song comes blaring through the speakers and your mind is changed. You're like, "That's my joint (arms flailing)!

But to get back 2 EBadu...I wonder why there has been little to no promotion for this album? I was told by an avid fan that the album was dropping soon (9-16-03). I only recently heard the first single (I have given up on radio). And so far I've heard the 1st four tracks while typing this blog...mellow and typically abstract are the words that come to mind. Lots of different unintelligible sounds which I assume are vocally derived. And I've noticed that she likes to sample her own previous work...interesting.

Last night, I watched VH1's Hip Hop Babylon and actually got chills listening and realizing how deviant this rape of culture has gotten. I posted the following to their message board:

"Hip Hop Babylon had me shook up last night. I knew the music industry was a hideous monster but I didn't know how viscious it truly was. I was saddened to see so many individuals hoodwinked and bamboozled. I also was bothered by the sociological implications that are evident in our culture and community due to this evergrowing beast. Worshipping hypermasculinity and one-upmanship...belief that money defines success and happiness...acceptance of hood and ghetto mentalities in an effort to "keep it real." Uggh! And I was disgusted to hear Kevin Liles suggest that Joe Budden go to the flyest clubs...drink up...hang with the dopest honeys, etc. to create this facade to sell records. As a pioneer of Hip Hop music, I would have expected a more creative response to low record sales. And poor Joe Budden...looking like his dog died. The most enlightened segments were of Chuck D and KRS-one spitting Hip Hop philosophy, i.e. "Black death sells!" I commend VH1 (who woulda thought!?) for creating this show. I only hope that ALL viewers realize that MAINSTREAM Hip Hop, (MTV, BET, commercial radio) does not define Hip Hop culture. We are much more than "gettin' shot 9 times," "tits & ass," and "bling bling!"

I've heard the entire album. It's not love at first listen. I think I expected more lyrically. I couldn't get an anthem out of it. Mama's Gun had me mesmerized from start to finish...musically, lyrically, and vocally. For this album, I could have used some additional tracks (only 10!?). But I'm sure she'll perform the Hell outta it in concert.

Again...

EJH,

I cannot understand the power of our bond.
Sometimes I feel it's unhealthy, down-rite dangerous.
Othertimes, I long for it like it's saving grace.
I've never felt anything as good as your presence.
And I don't want to imagine a moment in time when you don't exist.
There are nocturnal emissions of tears when there is no "I for you and you for me."
Let's make one...again.

Forever and always,

DJD

Black Gay Pride-Atlanta Pics!!!

Click here!

It's my birthday!

Say it loud...I'm black and I'm PROUD!!

I did Black Gay Pride-Atlanta this weekend! I was not really interested until I spoke with EB and Jabari on Friday. And that's when it all began...

Friday: I got my hair cut into a nice light Caesar similar to my boy Pharrell's. Then I stopped by A&F for some new "college boy" threads. I frantically got dressed and then hit it to meet Jabari and Co. I pulled up to the Sheraton and that's when I remembered how fun Pride could be. The sight of MEN made me giggle at the remembrance of Prides past. Jabari and I walked around the host hotel where many of the festivities were taking place all weekend. I ran into several familiar faces and met many new ones. It's sad to say...but I really needed to hear the "Hey sexy's..." and catch the constant moments of eye contact from onlookers. It's only because I'm in this quasi-relationship (R we 2gether or not? What is this?). And sometimes one just needs a mad boost to the self-esteem! That sounds so pitiful...but it's honest. (And it's anotha entry for anotha day!) So, we then went to Club 708 which was like a block party with all of the people in the streets and APD handling crowd control! From there we walked to Bulldogs and back. During this time, I met the other characters which tell the rest of the weekend's story. Jabari's Company: Antonio I, Antonio II, Larry, Don, and Paris. I, of course, am drunk off of Skyy and smoking my Salems by this point. Everybody is meeting and greeting in the streets until the wee hours of the morning. I swear it's like mating season!

Saturday: Hangover! I didn't get outta bed until about 3pm. I, then hit it to Little 5 Points to check out the Futon Gallery for their selection of beds. (I found a really nice Mahogany bed similar to one I saw at By Design and will save about $150!) While shopping, Antonio I calls me and says that his friend Larry is interested in me. It's funny to me because he was competing hard at the Block Party to be the Alpha Male! He's actually cute though, minus the gray contacts. But I wasn't interested in any sexual escapades. I then go over to this music shop I discovered accidentally once before in L5P. I met the owner, a girl working promotions, and DJ Rahdu who promised to take me under their wings and educate me on the truth of Soul music. I felt like a kid in a candy store with all of the musical possibilities. Commercial radio, MTV and BET are beginning to kill me softly. But I was glad to hear so many good samples on Mary's album as a throwback to what it used to be. (Anotha entry for anotha day...) Back 2 da weekend...later that night I met up with the crew again and we all did the block party at Traxx. The crowd was out of control. Shouts out to CJ with the card table and impromtu game of 3-hand Spades (whoever heard of that!?) and the DC BBQ stand (the chicken sandwich and jumbo cocktail was right!)

Sunday: I had no intention of going out. But Jabari talked me into meeting them at the hotel. The conversation persuaded me to The Lion's Den with Paris and Don while he went to Club 708 with Kevin and Sommore. At The Lion's Den, the crowd was so thick and people exiting were complaining about the heat, e.g. Carlos. I was in no mood for discomfort, so I didn't go in. But I was glad to see people leaving with autographed pictures of Kelly Price and Latocha Scott. I'm sure its hard to find mainstream artists to play black gay clubs. But I guess artists are beginning to appreciate and recognize their demographic following.

Monday: Film festival! The crew critiqued Enrique Cruz's Hardcore! Hilarious! I, personally, loved it! I was actually interested and attempting to follow the storyline and cast of characters. "Bust Papi! Word!" The sex scenes were not disappointments either. Some were even like infatuated love-making, which is surprising to see in XXX features. And I am sufficed to say that "Thuggism" still leads black/Latino gay erotica and this film tops Cruz's previous endeavors, i.e. Off da Hook and Aprende, in that genre. After the film festival, the crew stopped by a pool party and The Palace before concluding the busy weekend.

Now, it's back to reality. The lows after the highs. But it's all good. Until we meet again...

I would like to thank the Academy...

VMA's tonite! Gotta catch the red carpet.

I'm coming out...{Coming!}...I want the world to know...

I'm still at work playing on the computer. John Coltrane serenading in the background. I want a cigarette badly. I've been munching on office birthday cake all day. There is nothing like vanilla cake with buttercream icing and sprinkles all up in it. Jesus! I need to work out when I get home. And that has nothing to do with the cake. Just a coincidental thought. I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I was doing very well. My poor muscles have shriveled up. I had begun to enjoy the swell. Sanya even asked me at the wedding Sunday if I had lost weight. And that comment sent me on an emotional decline. Why must I have body image issues? I guess it's all of the hard bodies out today. I gotta compete...Darwin's Survival of the Fittest is at play!

I just got sidetracked writing this blog by a quick glimpse at the homepages of two of the most popular porn sites for black and latino gay men. I was having a conversation with someone (I can't even remember who) and we were talking about how back in the day when we were first coming out and how Enrique Cruz (Lamancha at the time) and Streetlife made it all possible for us to see people more like ourselves who have same sex attraction. When you are first coming out, you sometimes still harbour homophobic stereotypical classifications whereby you demonize gay stereotypes in an effort to say, "I ain't gay! See, I ain't no faggot!" The realization that one could be masculine and gay was epiphanic to me.

Nevertheless...now that I have recovered from my naivete' I've learned what "gay for pay" and "character acting" are. But in the end, it is my hope that we all finally realize that we all are gay...the masculine and the effeminate (group hugz). Nobody is better than the other...despite the status quo and what society may tell us.

Real love...I'm searching for a real love...

Today, it's all about Mary!

M.I.A.

The wedding was beautiful. Straight outta Coming to America. But I've been in deep thought ever sense the lovely couple leaped across the threshold.

At the reception, I sat at one of the Xavier alumni tables with four attractive educated single black female classmates: one an engineer, three completing their last years of medical/optometry school. I listened as each exchanged cordial "how are you's" and "what's going on's" which led to my understanding of the sad realities that they face when it comes to the prospect of marriage in the black community. It was disheartening to hear them speak of all of the obstacles they face due to the "good black man shortage":

1. Dating blue collar (Do I have to settle for any ol' man?)
2. Baby mama drama (Is it inevitable?)
3. The nonexistent opportunities to date within their local communities ("How are the men in DC? Atlanta? Chicago? I gotta find ME a man!")
4. Educated black men relentlessly playing the field (Why not? It's so easy to do!)
5. Subtracting incarcerated and gay men from the already minuscule pool

Then to further complicate matters, I invited Danielle and Sanya to go to The Lion's Den with Carl and me. At first, it was about going out to dance and having a few drinks since we didn't get to do that at the wedding reception. Plus, they always said that they wanted to see the "scene." And I, personally, think that every straight black person should open their minds and experience black gay life. It is reality. However, it concerned them even more to realize that they probably would never be able to tell if a man is gay or straight. And I was left speechless...unable to comfort them with a response. Simply because I know the lives that we, socially and culturally stigmatized black gay men, lead.

Happy Holidaze!

Danielle and Sanya are coming to Atlanta for Tiffany's wedding this weekend! We have not all been together since our days back at Xavier from 96-00. I went to DC a few times to see Sanya. Danielle came to see me in New York a couple of times...but nothing more than that. I'm so anxious!

It's Friday! I'm sorta broke! What kind of weekend can I create? The wedding's not until Sunday evening, so that gives me plenty of time to do me. Actually, I don't really care what happens as long as either tonight or Saturday night I am lushed off of some Skyy with a few Salem Ultralights complementing my exuberance! No shame in my addictions!

Oh yeah...there is that Mary listening party tonight...

Next weekend is Black Gay Pride in Atlanta. I am so surprised by my lack of excitement. Is it the fact that my good sistahs, Troy and Chad, aren't coming and Carl is going to Miami!? Where oh where is my enthusiasm for da homo thugs and gangsta princesses!? I guess I should attend more of the ITLA events this year instead of the club scene which is what I am actually tired of experiencing.

***I am really talking shit right now*** Ain't nothing like being up in Traxx during the Holidaze!

I Can't Get No Satisfaction...

Do we ever reach a point where we are self-satisfied? Will there ever be that day when I can sit back and just simply exhale? Life is so damn demanding. One hurdle after another. Where is fulfillment? I guess the eternal point of satisfaction comes with death. Ain't shit to worry about then!

EB's facing hardship. It seems to be contagious these days. But the question is, what about that bullshit they call Karma? If you have to struggle to get from point A to point B...is bad Karma the struggle or good Karma reaching point B!? I mean, I know hella people who have been evil or simply lackadaisically living...yet it is my perception that they don't know rivers.

Nevertheless, I was talking to a coworker today about growing up in the rural south. We were seriously reminiscing...to the point where you get that blank stare where your eyes don't blink for like 45 seconds! I thought my cousins and I were the only ones who used to go out in the damn wildnerness and eat sour grass ("sour cuz of dog piss"), honeysuckles (tearing up a damn flower for a drop of nector the size of a pin head), wild blackberries (a rattlesnake's home) and plums (shaking the big juicy ones out of the top of the tree).

Now, that's self-satisfaction.

Skittles...

I have now discovered a new fascination...blogging! This is quite surprising for a person such as myself. Things can spark my interest for wee moments of time and then they become, "Oh, so passe!" But the premise...the idea...of an "online journal" is just so damn intriguing. It's very Carrie Bradshaw. A little introspective thought ain't hurt nobody. Plus, I was momentarily on Friendster checking the "Gallery" of Unknowns whose lives seem superficially so much more enticing than my own (the root of my fascination with blogging). But then I thought about it..."not true, not true" (Whitney's response in the Diane Sawyer interview) so here I am. Enjoy!

It is like 98 humid degrees in Atlanta and why did I find myself standing on the corner of Little 5 Points doing short surveys for work. I mean, in this kind of heat, who the Hell wants to answer my "five quick questions!?" And when my "five quick questions" consist of questions concerning sexuality, it gets even more "heated." But I have to catch myself. I continue to strive to be a somewhat stable secure black gay male living in America's Hip Hop era (isn't that rather oxymoronic?!). It took a MINUTE digging myself out of all of the debris! But I have lived the last seven years in New Orleans, New York City, and Atlanta (definitely gay, huh?) so I am really biased when it comes to speaking on gay issues. I have almost forgotten how dark the "closet" was! And I dispute the existence of the "DL!" So again I have to catch myself when dealing with sexuality. My psyche is not another's. But back to my exploitations in da hot ass sun...I am randomly asking these men as a part of my series of questions if they "Have ever had sex?" Then, "Have you ever had sex with a man, woman, both, neither?" Can you "taste the rainbow" spectrum of responses I was getting!? Hilarious!

Carl just informed me of a Mary J. Blige Love and Life 8-26-2003 listening party this Friday night. Omigod! "If you look at my life and see what I've seen..."