Today, I am a rich white woman.

When the sun greeted me this morning, I knew that today would be a great day. A blessed day. And it was confirmed as I was on the elevator at work making my way towards my office when the elevator opened and in walked Jane Fonda (I swear to God).

Thought for today:

Live, see, breathe, be...as if you were a rich white woman.

I return...bearing gifts!

Preview the new Fantasia tracks:

1st single and title track: Free Yourself f/ Missy Elliott
Ain't Gon Beg
Baby Mama
Selfish
Truth Is

I must admit that I'm not overwhelmed with excitement...but there is hope in the yet remaining 5-6 other tracks.

Is it me or has Betty Wright been doing the damn thing these last few years?
 

• Erykah Badu featuring Betty Wright - "A.D. 2000" on Mama's Gun.
• Getting Sara together on Making the Band 2 on MTV.
• Collabo on Joss Stone's collection of Soul Sessions.
• Nina Sky featuring Betty Wright - "You Deserve."
• Angie Stone featuring Betty Wright - "That Kind of Love" on Stone Love.

No Ifs, Ands or Butts...

I quit smoking cigarettes yesterday! Yep, it was my official quit day. (My behavior modification program requires that I make announcements to hold myself accountable!?)

I don't even know why it has taken me so long. Actually, I do. As a Public Health professional, I am quite familiar with social and behavioral science theories. I've been in the Contemplative stage of the Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change for a few months now. Voila!!

In addition, the Spirit spoke to me with the use of...what my Momma would call...a "confirmation."

A few weeks ago, I was watching Sex and the City, Season 3, Episode # 35 "No Ifs, Ands, or Butts" in which Aidan tells Carrie that he can't date a smoker. She attempts to quit cold turkey and runs out of their dinner date fiending like a crackwhore for a few puffs of an emergency cigarette in which she subsequently dropped in the sewer crate on the street corner. After getting caught smoking, she starts the patch.

And on Monday, I went to see OhSix in the middle of the night. On the drive over, I lit up my Salem Ultralight and inhaled. I parked my ride, popped in a cherry Jolly Rancher and knocked on the door. His room was midnight black and he was already in the bed, so I climbed in.

OhSix: Whatchu been smoking?
me: (shit) Nothing.
OhSix: You sure?
me: It's just a cigarette.
OhSix: I ain't know you smoked!?
me: I don't...really...not that much.
(silence...I smell my hands and cup my breath...)
OhSix: Whatchu doing...smelling yourself?
me: No.

So here I am now...Day 2. I bought the patch, but I have been able to control the cravings without them. I don't know if I will even start them or not. I wasn't a big smoker in the first place...less than or equal to 5 a day. Therefore, I may be able to manage cold turkey.

Pros/Cons:
Pro: I have an increased appetite. I can now better focus on that weight gain goal and step up on Kanye's Workout Plan.
Con: Carrie evenually relapsed.

DAMN!

I was reading a discussion forum on the Cosby debacle and ran across this line from what I assumed is a white guy:

"I can see why the poor black youth are so disenfranchised....even their own people do not believe they are worth anything." - the-breaks forum

Deafening silence

After watching Saddam Hussein call President Bush the "real criminal" on CNN yesterday, I happened to afford the opportunity to watch the entire documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 while at the barbershop today. (Bootlegging at it's best...)

I'm speechless.

And just when I thought I could utter a simple monosyllabic word, Bill Cosby silenced me again by his commentary at the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition & Citizenship Education Fund's Annual Conference.

I think I've swallowed my tongue.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I been gone for a minute. Now I'm back with the jump off. Well...not really.

June of 2004 was an interesting epiphanic month. A funeral. Psuedo family reunion. Psuedo class reunion. PRIDE. Mega-Fest. Dating.

Funeral
One of my cousins lost a long battle with cancer. The family knew death was near, but its sudden arrival was still unsettling. The religious cynic in me cringed at the thought of a typical Southern funeral. And it was.

"Weeping may endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
"Troubles don't last always."
"He picked me up, turned me around, placed my feet on solid ground."
"One glad morning, when this life is over, I'll fly away."
"You may not have tomorrow, so choose salvation today."

It was cliche after cliche with the congregation in full call and response.

Moms: (knowing my cynicism) That was a nice homegoing service. Did you get the message?
Me: Oh I got it alright.
Moms: Well what did you think?
Me: Honestly?
Moms: Hmph...
Me: I thought it was inappropriate. I couldn't believe there was actually an alter call at the funeral. Thirty-something people walked up and surrounded the coffin while the minister solicited church members. What happened to honoring the life of the deceased?
Moms: Sometimes death can lead people to Him.

RIP Phyllis.

Psuedo Family Reunion
And of course, the funeral afterparty gets real krunk. The conversation I regret:

Teenage male cousin: Damn, I just founnd out that that was our cousin over there. (He points at a female. We both stare in her direction making eye contact as my step mother overhears.)
Me: Everybody here is a cousin.
Step Mom: Well, you know in Louisiana that's legal! (sarcasm)
Teenage male cousin: Word?
(We all laugh hysterically)
Teenage female cousin: (slyly walks over) Ya'll talking bout me?
Teenage male cousin: Yeah! Talking bout how if you weren't my cousin I would seriously be trying to holla at you!
(Everyone laughs hysterically again)
Me: (rolling my eyes at young male hypermasculinity)
Teenage female cousin: (looks at teenage male cousin) You too... (walks away)

Scare me!

Psuedo Class Reunion
I then ran into the girl I went to Junior prom with (no kin) in the parking lot. She had a lot of questions. I don't know if it was sincere interest or whether she was validating something she had heard. It wasn't a problem though. I could careless.

Yes, I finished undergrad and grad school.
Yes, I live in Atlanta now.
This is where I work.
This is what I do.
No, I'm not married.
No, I'm not dating anyone seriously.
No, I haven't talked to anyone from highschool.
Here's my number.

And as soon as 48 hours could pass, I received a phone call from another classmate who is living in Atlanta. From this reunion, the gossip poured, thick and coating like evaporated milk. Thank God I escaped the rural South.

Mega-Fest
Back in Atlanta...chance would have it that I didn't host any family for the corporate sponsored revival, better known as Mega-Fest. I guess they knew better. Ironically, one of my bestfriends, DaScroller, came with some of his family from New Orleans to attend. "Why?", I asked. "Ya'll are Catholic!"

Moms: (calling my cell) I'm back home from the Mega-Fest. Sorry I didn't get to see you.
Me: I was wondering if you even came or not.
Moms: Yeah, you know I came down with some people and...blah...blah...blah. Where you at?
Me: The park.
Moms: You down there for what I saw that commercial for?
Me: What commercial?
Moms: Something I saw on TV...
Me: I'm here for PRIDE.
Moms: Yeah, that's it. They said right after our convention...in coming another kind...umm hmmmm...
Me: (laughing) I didn't know they had commercials...
Moms: It was on the news. Be careful out there.

PRIDE and Dating
I ran into a lot of people I hadn't seen in ages in the park for Atlanta Gay PRIDE. But I didn't meet anyone new. Not that I believed I needed to anyway, per se. I have always been the serial monagamist. Recently that has changed. But I haven't ventured all the way into casual sex either. I find it hard to seriously get to know more than one person at a time in an intimate and romantic way. But I get so tired of putting my eggs in one basket and getting the inevitable.

So now I am holding meetings with OhSix and DaBoriqua. Just two at a time...no mas. They both are smart, attractive, ambitious, have their own car/apartment, etc. What sets them apart? It's too early to tell. I can't call it. To make a comparison, I would have to be shallow and base it on the physical connections.

OhSix - passive aggressive, versatile, at night and in the morning, shower together

DaBoriqua - aggressively submissive, bottom, Latin heat and passion, kisses me goodbye

This is gonna be one ol' episode of ElimiDate!

I am filled with Christ love! - Saved!

Last Saturday, I had sushi with a new acquaintance, Da Boriqua. After a long day of Spring cleaning, I decided to meet him at Ru San's in midtown Atlanta for an afternoon feast. We engulfed countless servings from a smorgasbord of maki, nigiri and sashimi sushi. And I generally don't eat sushi when I'm famished because I always find myself insatiable, but for whatever reason this time I was stuffed beyond satisfaction.

Da Boriqua spoke with a New York accent reminiscent of what you would find in an Enrique Cruz production. However, he didn't necessarily have that Blatino look or feel. There was no thug wear...no Puerto Rican regalia...no "mami" this or "papi" that. Just your simple standard American English wearing Diesal jeans and t-shirt.

To my surprise, we had quite an interesting conversation. We talked about our love for spirits, ie. Vodka, Gin and Tequila. We both tend to drink to get drunk. "Can't we think about the clarity, distillation, taste or purity of alcohol later?!" Then we shared drunken horror stories and laughed between each baptism of sushi into pools of soy sauce.

Last night we met again. It started out as a movie date, but Saved! and The Stepford Wives wasn't playing until today. His ignorance as to what was currently playing and to this week's new releases led me to cancel the theater as a date all together. So I met him at his apartment and watched Futurama, Family Guy, and King of the Hill back to back. I have never claimed to be a fan of animation...even as a child. I was the one who literally rushed home to catch the 4 o'clock Oprah after school each day. I swear! Nevertheless, I diligently sat and watched with Da Boriqua. The storylines were surprisingly smart for how adolescent I perceived animation to be.

After seeing him doze off within scenes, I suggested that I let him rest by leaving.

Da Boriqua: You don't have to leave. You can lay with me.
Me: (resist and flee!!) Where am I gonna lay?
Da Boriqua: Here or in my bed. We just layin...
Me: Aiight.

I put on some of his shorts. He changed into a tee and running pants. We got in the bed.

Da Boriqua: I wanted to ask you to lay with me a long time ago.
Me: Word?

We spooned ever so tightly. He fell asleep. I dozed in and out due to his sleep apnea. After I couldn't take it anymore, I finally got up and out of the bed...got dressed...woke him up...and told him I had to get home (lies).

And now as I reminisce on the time spent, I wonder how long this one will last?

Why must I pose as a cyclist in the park? Have I not learned my lesson from the recent collision? But still I rise...
 

To Grandma, with love...

Many months ago, I splurged and bought an Egyptian Cotton (280 thread count) sheet and pillow set for my bed. For no apparent reason, the package sat in my linen closet up until this past weekend.

I am not sure why I never used the sheet set up until now. I think it is because I was raised with a grandmother who never used her "good stuff."

The Summers I spent at my grandmother's house as a child included:

1. Plastic runners "protecting" the carpet in high traffic areas such as the living room and main hallways.

2. "Do Not Touch" towel sets nicely folded and displayed in the bathrooms.

3. Candles still wrapped in the plastic outercovering, never to be burned...years at a time.

4. "Good" dishes which were only used during Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the occasional Sunday when company visited.

I'm not going to dispute my grandmother's logic/illogic concerning her valuables. That would be futile. But tonight, and from this day forward, I will sleep in Egyptian luxury...because I can...and should.

I think I'm READY NOW for a NASTY GRIND...

It never ceases to amaze me. Truth Hurts and Adina Howard may just be what I need to get me through the Summer.

Sample lyrics:

Throw me on the counter//By the kitchen door//Let's do acrobatics//Make my body sore//Make the neighbors jealous//Bet I'll make you scream//My legs around your pelvis//You ain't gonna run from me - Ready Now by Truth Hurts

You do me and watch as I do you//Two bodies vibrating, your manhood is escalating//Tongues touch, bodies trace//Turn over, I don't see your face//Kiss your neck, your back, your toes, what's next? - Nasty Grind by Adina Howard

"What's in your NetFlix queue?" - Esquire (June 2004, pg. 52) asks the question...

Here are my next five:

1. India.Arie - Live in Brazil

2. The Women of Brewster Place

3. Thirteen

4. Poison

5. Swimming Pool

What's in yours?

When it all...all falls down... - Lauryn Hill

I had an early dinner with Gianni today at Willy's Mexicana Grill in Piedmont Park. I brought my bike so I could work in some cardio within the park while taking in the Spring air.

After eating, I cycled into the park passing dogwalkers, joggers, skateboarders and frisbee throwers. I was really enjoying the buzz of the wind around my ears when I approached a decline and out of nowhere found myself face down into the pavement with my bike two feet behind me...the 360 degrees of the wheels were still spinning ever so swiftly.

I initially felt nothing...not even embarassment. Then I realized that I was still face down in the pavement and probably 7 seconds had passed...1...2...3...4...5...6...7. "I must get up immediately," I thought. And when I did, I noticed a group of approximately nine people having a festive picnic adjacent to the site of my collision with apparently NOTHING! All heads were turned in my direction. There was a look of sincere concern on their faces...not amusement...not humor....CONCERN. I thought, "Did my body being propelled by a mountain bike look that ghastly?" Obviously it did.

I checked my body and immediately felt the stinging sensations surrounding my left hand, right knee, and right elbow. It wasn't anything too detrimental...just a few scrapes. However, my hand now has a pretty large piece of skin on my palm which has been lacerated and pulled back forming a flap of dead flesh resembling a corpse from CSI.

And in an effort to let no man/woman/child put me and my committment to working out asunder, I attempted to go full throttle into my usual weight training regimen. However, my left hand was not as committed.

I think I have sprained my wrist.

American Idol III: The 3 Divas Collection

Through my ever increasing skills at manipulating the world wide web for all of it's works, I have compiled this year's most anticipated compilation:

American Idol III, The 3 Divas Collection: Fantasia Barrino, Jennifer Hudson, and LaToya London

This 28 track anthology contains Fantasia's tear jerking rendition of Porgy and Bess's "Summertime," Jennifer Hudson's homage to Manilow in "Weekend in New England," and LaToya London's farewell number, "Somewhere."

Only one copy burned to CD to date...

Where's yours?

One man's trash is another man's treasure...

I found a 32 in Toshiba television near the dumpster in my apartment complex today. I was merely checking my snail mail. And there it was sitting idly at the opening to the trash compactor. I stopped...looked to my left...then my right...and behind me. No one was around. I kneeled to inspect my find. "A little dusty," I thought.

I would have left it there had I not discovered a Hoover vacuum cleaner (just needed to change the disgusting bag filled with cat fur/feces), two pewter adjustable table lamps with shades that coincidentally matched my decor), and a vegetable rack (which fits perfectly in my closet holding socks, underwear, and ties) all within the past eight months.

So I squatted and lifted with my legs. I carried the TV up three flights of stairs to my domicile. I only took one break (it must be the new work out regimen). The whole time I was thinking of how I could toss the entire set off of my balcony onto the parking lot if the television set did NOT work!

Whew!!! I made it. I plugged it in, pushed power, and got the usual Poltergeist-esque snow screen. I hooked it up to my cable. Ta da!!! Clear picture...almost...there are 3-4 horizontal lines which change intermittently across the top 1/4 of the screen. Hey, I can ignore that! So I connected the television up to all of the other accessory equipment in my living room and moved my 20 in into my bedroom.

Perfecto!

I want you to touch me on the inside part and call me my name - Beloved

Somebody called me an asshole today. I thought it was undeserving. I tend to say what is on my mind. And it's not in a "speak before you think" kinda way. It is actually carefully thought about with an attempt at executing it to precision.

But where does being assertive, articulate, and outspoken become crass and uncouth?

Does the following text require that one be called out by their name?

Ol'Piece,

Unfortunately, I prefer not to receive any FORWARDS containing prayers, inspirational stories, urban legends, smiley animations, or "save Lil' Ricky" requests in my inbox. I consider all such messages junk mail.

Please feel free to contact me via email if YOU have anything to say to ME directly.

Thanks for thinking of me,

HypnotiqOne


***But of course if you follow this blog, you know that their is history with me and Ol'Piece anyway***

The Devil is a liar and ain't no truth in him!

Lucifer and a few of his disciples sent me this link:

BlkGayChat

I'm trying to get to bed before 3 am each night...damn!

Let's Get Married - Jagged Edge

A cell phone conversation I just had while at work:

me: hello?
him: this is BowWow, you left me a message...your number.
me: hey...(puzzled)....ok, where did i meet you again? (i'm scrolling my mind for any pieces I could have recently met from adam4adam, men4now, gay.com, The Lion's Den, etc.)
BowWow: ummmm....that one place...like crayons!?
me: (rolling on the floor lauging out loud) you...mean...Colours?
BowWow: (laughing) yeah
me: Oh! BowWow! Hey!
BowWow: yeah...lol...so whatchu doin?
me: At work...Blah...Blah...Blah...
BowWow: Me too. So this is your cell...umma call you when I get off?

The Background:

One of my best friends, Gianni, and I met this guy at a New Year's Eve party. He was an adorable lil hobbit. Gianni, being a lush like me, exchanged numbers with him and then subsequently ignored his phone calls the following week after he sobered up.

Then, Gianni and I ran into him at The Lion's Den months later. We were, of course, drunk again and he approached us. I diligently tried to move in like a thief in the night. The battle began as we were competing for his attention. I gave up in Round #2, but not before I reminded Gianni that he ignored BowWow's phone calls last time, in addition to the fact that BowWow's not even his type. I requested a truce...actually I demanded that Gianni forfeit from this competition in order that I may make my advance. My request was denied and Gianni continued to gaze into BowWow's eyes.

Well, we saw the adorable hobbit this past Friday at Club Colours and he was throwing mad shade at Gianni. And so I was talking to him and he was like, "I wanna kick it with ya'll. Your friend won't ever call me back. Let's exchange numbers, etc."

I got his number. He didn't have his cell so he told me to call his work number on the spot. I did and left a drunken speech-slurred detailed voicemail. (Simply, ghetto.)

Well, passive non-aggressive ME, didn't call the boy all weekend.

And now he just called me 5 minutes ago...

I'm trying to think of how I can get him to Massachusetts? I love him!

The Daily Dose

As I tuned in to my usual daily dose of Oprah yesterday, I was mildly shocked to hear Cameron Diaz and Oprah Winfrey casually and briefly talk about how they both believed the institution of marriage was "outdated." Rather ironic since the show was about the biggest animated wedding movie of the year, Shrek 2.

I could feel the emails pouring into Harpo's server...

So, the fanatic that I am, went to the message boards in defense. My post:

Debate over Oprah's comments on marriage...
Posted by: HypnotiqOne
Posted on: 05/14/2004 at 2:47am (27. of 34)

I happen to agree with Oprah and Cameron concerning marriage. I believe that they respect the institution for those that choose it. However, it's not for them personally. And this is probably due to some sense of individualism or selfishness. One has to give up an aspect of Self in order to be "married." The two become one, etc. All of us aren't up for that. Yet we can be just as committed and in love as anyone else.

For me, a family isn't defined by a marriage certificate or a wedding ceremony. A mother will always be a mother and a father will always be a father regardless of any certificates of marriage. In addition, monogamy and committment can also be established without the "institution."

Secondly, if America believed in the "institution" as much as this message board portrays then the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

And finally, if marriage is the cornerstone of family and society as this message board portrays then ALL people would be allowed the opportunity, more specifically gays and lesbians.

Why was I even commenting...

Microphone check...1...2? Is this thing on?

I thought I told Blog goodbye, but here I am.

Thanks Mista____ for the email and for letting me vent.

The fact remains: I will do this for me, authentically so.

Updates:

While in New York last month, I realized that there are only about 7-10 black gay men in America and I either know them or know someone who knows them ALL! The more intriguing question is why were they all in New York City at the same time?

I went from Day-O to Bar d'O...French Roast to Langston's...house party in Brooklyn to one on the Upper West Side...Christopher Street to 1-2-5. The whole time running into old friends, foes and acqaintances. Exhausting!

Nevertheless, I'm now back in Atlanta fighting for my sanity. I hosted my brother and sister from Albany, GA for Spring Break. Interesting time for a 16 and 18 year old and there new found gay big brother. I attempted not to change my world just because they were in town. They met a few friends of mine and thought they were "funny." What does that mean? "Ha ha" funny? Or "you're so gay that I can't help but laugh" funny? I took it as a compliment.

I also took them on a shopping spree. And the most surprising thing was how they enjoyed consignment shopping at Plato's Closet. (Some simple shit I shoulda thought of) They were running around like it was Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory!

I have gone on a serious health kick as well. During late winter, I simply stopped eating regularly for some reason. I didn't think I was stressed. But I suppose I was. My 6'3 frame was down to 169lbs. Normal, but not too cute by my standards. So as soon as the weather began to change in da ATL, I hit the gym...and GNC. Now I'm at 177lbs. Yeah!! It's probably all water, but what the Hell!? I ain't stopping!

Note: Sometimes I feel like I have the same issues as emotional overeaters, but I undereat at times. Not in an extreme emaciated type of way. But similar. Strong emotions definitely make me lose my appetite.

Whew!!! That was cathartic!

Now I know I'm back...and continuing to do this for me...

I met this boy back in August. I was enamored immediately. He was intelligent, witty, savvy, cosmopolitan, emotional, and downright outspoken. He was everything that I needed him to be. We would meet after work and he would spit game to me. Addictive game. I would inhale his stories and diatribes. He would school me on life and it's obstacles. He became my burden bearer. My rock.

Sometimes as we talked, I would grab his hand as if to find something tangible to let me know that he was real. His eyes reassured me. His lips opened with a roundness that enveloped the whole world, as I knew it. For sure, he was real.

At times, I just could not get enough of him. How could one person possess such personality and charisma? I asked people if they knew him. And I introduced him to my friends. Most of them weren't as smitten as me. But that was understandable. So I told myself that, "He'll just have to grow on them."

He and I continued our sacred bond. I began to open up to him. I felt appreciated. I felt heard. He listened. He reassured me that I could tell him anything. And I did.

Then gradually, the intensity of our relationship waned. Not for any particular reason. It just did. We never put a label on what we were doing in the first place. So I thought it was just one of those things. No love lost. When we did see each other the magnetism was still as strong as ever...like cosmic elation at every reunion.

Recently, I ran into him and some of his friends in New York City. I realized that he wasn't all that I thought he was, to say the least. It's one of those things where it wasn't necessarily anything that was said or done. Just discernment. Therefore, we've stopped speaking entirely.

My perspective of him has changed. He didn't change. I did. I held him up on such a high pedestal that reality and human nature were bound to make him mortal. Which to me was a grave disappointment. My naivete and the fallacy that I once believed were more pleasant. But this realization is simply truth. And I accept that.

I don't know if we'll ever speak again. Is it worth opening up as I once did? Will I ever want to hear those same stories? Do I need his entertainment? Will I meet others like him only to second guess their authenticity? May be this is the closure that I need. Maybe not. I am unsure.

Yet tomorrow brings a new day.

Goodbye, Blog.

Far away from here//Far away from here//Far away from here//Just jump in a taxicab//Pack your bags and get away fast ~ Kindred The Family Soul

Yesterday, I arrived in New York Fuckin City. Harlem World.

Met up with TheMost, TheHairstylist, and Q for Sprung at Bar d'O.

And I got so much things to say...

Please remain seated until the ride completely stops...

The ride is over. TopModel asked if we could just be "homeboyz." What da fuck!?

Emotional Rollercoaster

I feel like one of those friends who get married or find a date and forget about their comrades who soldiered with them in the struggle. However, that is so not like me.

The emotional rollercoaster has been so exhilarating that the possibility of taking a moment to get off this ride and reflect has caused such a panic out of fear of what would be revealed.

On the incline:

He cooks for me...I clean his kitchen.

He gives me unexpected kisses, like when I'm mid-sentence.

I get butterflies when I think of his face.

Sex has been put on hold...for the time being.

At night, he grabs my hand and pulls my arm around his chest as we embrace into unconsciousness.

As a weird habit, he plays with my earlobe as we chill.

Conversation flows naturally.

On the decline:

Condom and lube paraphernalia in the bathroom wastebasket and we're not kuttin'!? Response = "I don't know when the last time I emptied that trash. Plus, I let my boy use my apartment. I haven't had sex in over a month."

He left his email open unbeknownst to me (the screensaver was up) and I used his computer and noticed it was an email from somebody on Adam4Adam. Which meant that he was recently logged onto the website looking for some "action." Nevertheless, the internet history revealed quite a lot of time being spent on Men4Now, Gay.com, and BlackPlanet as well. But what could I say, it had only been 3 weeks of knowing one another at that point.

Two days ago he told me he was moving to NYC in August as an aspiring model. Huh? This is the aftermath of missTyra!!

So here I am. Back in line to go for another ride...

Cooking and Clean'ting ~ Madea

I just finished cleaning. It's not even my kitchen. And I've only known this guy for a week and a day. We've been practically inseparable since seeing Jesus Christ Superstar...I mean, The Passion of the Christ last Friday. He wept.

Could this be love at first sight?

All day today I have recanted the following conversation...on repeat:

WHITNEY HOUSTON
My business is sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll. You know? I mean, my friends, we have a good time. But as you get older, you get wiser. You know? You stop a lot of the kid stuff. I had no time to grow up, had no time to party. I didn't even date in my, date in my 20s. It was rough. It was rough. I think I kind of reverted back as I got older. And I said, well I'm just gonna party, you know? It was kind of a rebel in me, you know?

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Did you think how dangerous it was?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
No. I wasn't, I wasn't like shooting heroin or anything.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) This says $730,000 drug habit. This is a headline.

WHITNEY HOUSTON
Come on, 730? I wish. No. I wish that was making that money off of me, you could share it with me. No, no way. I want to see the receipts. From the drug dealer that I bought $730,000 worth of drugs from. I want to see the receipts.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Is it alcohol? Is it marijuana? Is it cocaine? Is it pills?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
It has been. At times.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) All?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
At times.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) If you had to name the devil for you, the biggest devil among them?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
That would be me. It's my deciding, it's my heart, it's what I want. And what I don't want. Nobody makes me do anything I don't want to do. It's my decision. So the biggest devil is me. I'm either my best friend or my worst enemy. And that's how I have to deal with it.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Do you think of yourself as an addict?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
I am addicted to a few things.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Like?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
Making love. I don't like to think of myself addicted. I like to think of, I had a bad habit, which can be broken.

And on that note, Whits entered rehab today. How prayer changes things...

Hi, is Chris Rock available?

What if your new cell phone had a celebrity's old number!? Laura's did. Hilarious!?

And another one...

Someone2Remember has shown me another "6 degrees of seperation" Friendster-esque site, but specifically for gay folk...

Downelink

Umma try this one mo' time...and can we get some marketing on the East coast!?

Question?

1. If a close friend moved away a year ago, does that friend's local dates (dates = pieces, homie lover friends, cut buddies...not past relationship material) become equal opportunity again?

2. If so, is one year a long enough wait before any crimes of the heart should be committed?

3. What should be said to the close friend if one is simply contemplating such an endeavor?

4. Should one discontinue any and all flirty glances with said "date," no matter who initiates?

5. Should one remove oneself from the vicinity of the dancefloor if said "date" begins to gyrate within one's periphery?

6. Is it just plain old TIRED that one is even considering such a dilemma?

Hmph...

New find: CARGO magazine

Spring has sprung!!!

The weather in Atlanta has been the best EVER!!! I have always been the type of person that allows the weather and/or the seasons to affect my psyche.

Sunny, warm day = Happiness! Rainy, cold day = Don't talk to me!

In the spirit of elation, I reconnected with Ol' Piece. We had been talking off and on since the email spat. I was comfortable with us both moving on...but there is still this undeniable attraction. I'm not sure what it is. Or do I?

I'm man enough to own up to the fact that a lot of the hostilities are my own doing. I could handle disagreements differently. I could take a softer, more Ghandi-like approach...but in haste, I tend to try my hardest to cut and slice. And that's a side of me that I never knew existed. Is this a repercussion of the incident(s) (11-19-03) with TheEx?! Am I forever wounded? Will I always labor this baggage?

I feel like this is a tango that we both are dancing for our own dark hidden reasons. And I'm not sure if I am ready for the music to stop.

I need to see a man about a horse ~ Phrase Finder

I have this intriguing curiosity with what I call conference aphrodisia as noted by my attendance at another meeting back in September. It simply amazes me how people can allow perceived anonymity or the controlled environment of the host hotel and meeting sessions to drive sexual prowess. Nevertheless, more time and work was required of the participants at this recent meeting so there was less "promiscuity" as far as I could tell. *Note: High prevalence of homosexuals in my field.

Day I
This dreadfully loc'ed honeycombed Adonis sat in a panel before me. As he gazed into the audience, I couldn't help but stare until our eyes met. Then an uncomfortable disconnect appeared out of nowhere as we realized that our attention should be paid to the speaker, not on one another. But he saw me. I saw him. Mission accomplished.

Day II
me: (sitting at the bar smoking a cigarette like Bernadine)
middle aged black male: (walks by and grabs my shoulder while leaning into my left ear in passing) It's gonna be hard for me to read down here now that you've arrived...
me: (startled) Oh whatever... (laughter)

Day III
Passed Adonis in the hall. We exchanged niceties. I complement him on his sense of humor from an earlier presentation. No indepth conversation. We continued to speak in passing for the remainder of the week.

Day V
me: (answering hotel phone) Hello?
caller: Hey! I remembered your name from your badge and got your room number from the front desk. You sat next to me in the computer lab. Remember?
me: Yeah. How are you?
caller: I've seen you around this week and I've been wanting to say hello but you seem a little standoffish. When you smiled and chit chatted in the computer lab today I was like, "Wow, he's friendly."
me: (laughter)

I agreed to meet this new acquaintance (not Adonis) in the bar and we continued the stimulating conversation.

Day VI
Last day. I called nessa/e.badu for an update and casually mentioned the state of conference aphrodisia.

nessa: Adonis?...tall, light-skinned, dreads, from that city? Work for the Agency?
me: (reluctant) yeah?!
nessa: That's Lamentation's ol' piece.
me: You lying!
nessa: He's married now.
me: To who?
nessa: Some boy that work for another Agency. Got a house together and everything...
me: You lying!
nessa: Argghhhh!! I need to see a man about a horse!! Hold on...lemme call Lamentation on 3-way...

I continued to gag into the night. How easily angels fall from Heaven...

Trial of the Century

Claire from SprintPCS: You have one new message. Message one:
Ol' Piece: What the Hell is going on? You owe me an explanation. What was this morning about? I don't get you. Your attitude is intolerable. You got issues, man. Exhale into the receiver... And I figured you wouldn't answer your phone. This has been a waste of time.
me: (thinking) If one more person tells me about my attitude!?!? What the f*ck!? Am I...? I'll reflect on that later...

Email to Ol' Piece

Ol' Piece,

You continue to amaze me with your cluelessness!!! You said, "I owe you an explanation!?" Huh!?

Last night before you finally went to bed, you asked "Are you still mad?" To me, this denotes some wrongdoing or discernment of unresolved issues. Therefore, you're not as baffled as you're making yourself seem.

For the record, let me break it down for you:

1. On yesterday, you made arrangements for dinner of some sort. You never finalized those plans.

2. You showed up unannounced around 11pm with an attitude about work issues unrelated to me. I tolerated it.

3. You left around 11:30pm to get YOURSELF something to eat. What happened to dinner?

4. You returned at 4:00am from Thugged Out Tuesday wide eyed and bushy tailed and disturbing my sleep. Your response, "You're normally up around this time!" No, YOU'RE normally up around that time. I go to bed when I am not up entertaining you.

5. You proceed to rumble around the apartment in and out of the bed...in and out of the bathroom...making phone calls...turning lights on...all while I was trying to go back to sleep. How respectful was that? Was it in retribution for not hopping out of bed when you arrived?

6. I wake up this morning and you are all covered with my blanket. I only have the sheet. And that's not coincidental!

In addition, it seems as though boundaries were crossed and miscommunicated. I mistakenly gave you an all-access pass to my apartment. Do you not realize the countless number of days you spent the night, took showers, cooked/ate, watched tv, washed clothes, etc.? You even had in/out priveledges because many times I was not even home! Do you not realize the number of times you loaded the dishwasher, cleaned out the oven, washed out the tub, made the bed, vaccumed the floor, etc.? I do. Zero! Unfortunately, sleeping to 3pm daily and not even getting up to wash a dish is unattractive to me. I made the mistake of allowing you to lay up all day long (alone if I went to work) and not making it clear that we were not roommates and that MY name was on the lease. Simply put, you got too comfortable.

Nevertheless, don't feel like you've wasted your time. I know I didn't. I enjoyed getting to know you. I still think you're a great person. In our first real conversation you asked, "What turns you off?" I replied, "Laziness/lack of ambition and people who are caught up in the 'top/bottom' issue of sex" amongst other things. Those are two issues that we have DEFINITELY dealt with. Whether we overcame them or not is questionable. I guess that is the real reason why we are where we're at. I promise you that anytime that you've felt that I've had an "attitude problem," I could trace it back to one of those issues. I guess the question then becomes, did I communicate those issues well. Probably not. I know I made plenty of comments related to laziness and we had numerous tugs of war as it related to sex...so I know I tried.

Other than that, I don't know what else to say...

The Rebuttal:

HypnotiqOne,

I am amazed at just how much of an asshole you can be.

Lack of ambition, laziness...Those are not words that can be used to desribe me.

And how many times have I, without thanks gone to the grocery store to keep something in YOUR refrigerator.

Now, about dinner last night. I didn't get my money so I couldn't take you out or pick something up. And I went out by myself because I never seem to be able to talk to you about how I am feeling and what is bothering me, so I wind up having to deal with them on my own.

In the beginning you said something to me...."if you want something done, you had better do it yourself." You swear that none of this was you.

The top and bottom shit, could have been worked out, but I am glad that I didn't let that shit happen. You definitely didn't derserve that from me. You can find someone else to blast at, and then turnaround and try and have.

See, you are so good at picking out someone elses faults but, what have you done lately. And the open access to your place...thanks.... You must not think I am really a great person...check the insults in your previous email.

Deal with the shit that's real, and stop avoiding it. You are mad because I came in and turned on lights and tried to wake you up? I remember you doing me the same way, but you actually got my full attention. Yea, I was drunk and I wanted to be with you, but as usual your feelings comes first. You need someone who is going to keep score and count the things you do and don't do. The problem is, I am not that person. You need someone who doesn't mind being molded and transformed. Again, I am not the one. You need someone who is going to just accept your shit with a smile.... Once again, I am not the one. You need someone you can talk down to and looked down on; not this one.

You will be by yourself until you learn to give a little homie, and that has nothing to do with access to your apartment. You need to learn that not everyone is out to get you. I will tell you this, I have been who you are now, and I didn't understand why I couldn't keep people around me. My friends were there but no one else was. I was fucking and shit, but that's about it...I couldn't get them to stick around past that. You are cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, selfish, unhappy, and very confused. I may be "clueless", but I am in no way thoughtless.

Welcome to your future....And to think, I really was thinking that I could be with you long term. I guess GOD does reveal things to you right on time......

The Cross Examination

Ol' Piece,

You asked for an explanation. What I wrote previously is as blunt as I could make what is running through my mind right now...asshole or not!?

Yes, you went to the grocery store...FOR YOU!!! Aside from several 2-liter Kroger sodas, most things purchased were for your own consumption. I don't really like pizza, candy, or bread...remember?

Did you try to talk about what you were feeling last night or did you run away? Not once did you explain the dinner situation. Was I supposed to psychically find out that you didn't get your money? I would have paid for dinner. I was waiting on you, hungrily.

I have no regrets about anything that we did sexually.

My faults:

controlling
arrogant
decisive
moody
argumentative
Do you prefer I go on?

You were drunk and wanted to be with me? Explaining #'s 1-6 from the previous email would have been a great aphrodisiac.

I don't need anyone to keep score. I do that fine myself. :-)

Mold and transform are such strong words. To me, it's just compromise and agreements.

I don't need anyone to accept my shit and smile. If I'm right, I'm right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I need someone of comparable strength and tenacity to point these things out.

I don't need someone to talk down to or look down upon. If that were the case, I would be satisfied with the lazy/less ambitious person.

And my most recent problems have been related to getting people to NOT stick around, i.e. restraining orders.

"cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, selfish, unhappy, and very confused" seems a little too harsh. But I'll marinate on it.

Finally, I think you are a wonderful person. Truly I do. Although we've bumped heads on most issues that we've discussed, I too felt as though I was putting up with alot. You are worthwhile. And I am still open to you. I don't know what the problem is with our communication. Alot of what I've said has been on my mind but I never quite wanted to say it for fear of being "cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, and selfish." Should I shut up, hold it in, drink, go to the club or bitch? I've done it all.

I fear we may have moved too fast without getting to know each other. Shit, I don't know.

Closing Argument

HypnotiqOne,

I know that you are not the person that I tend to get. Compromise is not what you seek. You seek to make me something that I am not. Lazy, I will tell you this; there are several things that I could be doing with my day and nights, but the fact that I play and coach is what I want to be doing right now. That doesn't make me less ambitous and definitely doesn't make me lazy. I owe it to myself to do what I feel is right for me. I am the only person I live for.

I am so sorry for not making it clear what was wrong with me, but I was bothered by our phone conversations. I will not lie to you and say that I am over you. You are so important to me and I only wanted to make you happy, but it always seemed to come at my expense. I didn't know that the things I was doing bothered you. I wish that I could wave a wand and make shit right for us, but I don't know how to baby. Communication is our big problem. I am missing what you want me to see, and you are definitely missing me on levels. I just want you to be calm and real with me. If I piss you off that much then we should not be around each other at all. I need a healthy amount of reading, but I also need to feel like you want me. I don't feel that at all. My faults are not something that I have thought about, and that's absolutely crazy, but its the truth. I have spent so much time blaming you and being mad at you, that I missed my time in the mirror. I am very non confrontational now, and that is so not me. I would rather run away from issues with people than deal with them.

I am very sorry for the things I haven't done, but you are still an asshole...

All I can say is...touche'

The short weekend began with longing ~ Harvey Pekar

I was under the assumption that I had survived this past weekend until I received this email:

Hi Whits!

I just wanted to thank you for that gorgeous blouse! It's so me. Sorry, but I donated all of my red to Lamentations, I'll keep you in mind next time...lol

I sent you an evite for Lamentations' party--thanks for the idea.

I also wanted to let you know what a supreme bitch you were on Saturday night. I know that you are a Delta, so we will eternally be different, but it can't be fun being that nasty. I was really shocked. Ironically, Lamentations contends that he knows that side to you, and consequently, was not shocked; though I know you are a supreme bitch, you have never made me feel unwelcomed in your home, but I guess that's a Delta for ya...go figure.

Well, it's your life...

xoxo,

nessa

ps. Gee, I wonder why your pieces are not only crazy, but act the total fool!--co-thought of Lamentations.

I replied:

You're welcome for the blouse!

I look forward to the evite.

"Supreme bitch," never that. I think you and Lamentations may have misinterpreted my mood. I am unable to be as animated and dramatic as you two seem to be 24/7. There are times wherein I simply want quiet conversation and tranquil moments. I think the two of you may have expected a "party hardy" personality, when that wasn't what I was feeling. Yes, it was a Saturday night...and the two of you did come from a festive tea at Chili's...but nonetheless, I was home arguing with one of my pieces on the phone and waiting on Gianni to arrive. Two opposing mood altering evenings which collided together in my home.

And I never expected one to feel unwelcome either. I thought my somber mood was identifiable by the phone conversation prior to you all's arrival. I should have taken that opportunity to say, "not tonight." But I felt that that would have been rude. And then too, I also recall hearing Lamentations say in the background, "Whatever Whits, we coming anyway!" It wasn't a problem though. I just assumed that the two of you knew my mood.

And what was so rude anyway? I probably should have provided more sitting area. But other than that, we laughed at Saturday Night Live, read Kelis, etc. The only awkard moment was when Lamentations asked, "What's so funny Whits?" And I wasn't laughing and stated such. After all was said and done, I then called Lamentations' cell to report that Gianni and I were going to Bulldogs as you requested. But I'm still the bitch.

Nevertheless, I do apologize for any hurt feelings. That was never my intention.

Finally, let us be in wonderment of our own pieces and/or the lack thereof, in any regards to how it may or may not relate to any perceived personality flaws.

Bitch

Drama! And I swear that I am NOT upset. I also know that there are two sides to every story, but that is how I see it. I felt attacked by the email and felt the need to defend myself. Nevertheless, Lamentations' party is this Saturday, so I hope everything is resolved by then.

Friday the 13th

I'm not superstitious, but I assumed that because the sun finally decided to appear in Atlanta today that all would be good.

So I psyched myself into taking a realistic thought into what tomorrow is, that b*tch ass punk muthaf*cka St. Valentine, and then I realized that I have totally eliminated all of my recent possibilities for love.

I was working with a good pool of four delectable goodies. That four has dwindled ever so fast to ZERO! I'm picky, but not that damn picky!

Now it's on...

Dance is the hidden language of the soul, of the body ~ Martha Graham - US dancer, choreographer

Last Friday night after leaving Red Chair, I decided to stroll on over to Club Colours and meet up with some other friends. I was already lushed, so I was glad to see them in the parking lot so that they could escort me into the club.

As I walked the "red carpet" back to the bar, I ran into familiar faces and greeted the paparazzi on the sidelines. Red Bull and Vodka is my new sh*t!

I'm really really hot//Everytime my record drops//Radio says I won't stop//Cuz I'm killin em ~ Missy

I'm on the dancefloor. The liquor makes me feel as though I am the only one. In reality, the floor is packed with very little room to move. I continue to dance...alone. (I enjoy dancing alone in the vicinity of friends for some strange reason.)

Urr body in the club getting tipsy//Urr body in the club getting tipsy ~ J-Kwon

At this point, I move in to grind with this guy dancing to my right. The interlude continues as the DJ switches musical genres.

From dem a par inna chi chi man car //Blaze di fire mek we bun dem!!!! (Bun dem!!!!) //From dem a drink inna chi chi man bar //Blaze di fire mek we dun dem!!!! (Dun dem!!!!) ~ TOK (Isn't it ironic!?)

We continue until the heat overwhelms us.

him: it's hot.
me: yeah
him: thanks for the dance.
me: no problem
him: are you from here?
me: yeah, you
him: Brooklyn
me: ok
him: what are you doing Sunday?
me: umm...nothing.
him: do you like dance? would you like to see Alvin Ailey?
me: yeah, i saw opening night on Thursday.
him: really, well you saw me perform.
me: oh, you're an Ailey dancer. i knew there had to be a reason for his body being so hard and toned. I have to introduce you to my friends!

So to make a long story short, TheDancer and one of his other friends along with myself and two of my other friends spent the weekend together with the limited amount of free time that Ailey dancers have on tour. Needless to say, I saw Alvin Ailey twice.

And one of my friends sent me this email on Monday to recap the weekend and summarize his findings.

Whits: (That's me)

So, you know I tried to watch the Grammy's and I fell asleep after Tony and Missy introduced somebody, or after that herendous Sam Jackson/Clinton/Outkast-Bboi/EW&Fire funk rendition. That sh*t was dredfull! Sam Jackson was his usual...

However, I wanted to call you to say Yoko Ono-Lennin's dress was not playing with the girls! Ellen was pretty in pink. Yo cuzin .50 was wrong for that prance across the stage, your alter-ego, Mary, should have left that chin-chilla at home! The hair was marvelous! Beyonce gave an interesting show. I wanted a medley. The dove was cute. JT put a lot of work into his performance; to be honest, I didn't think he had it in him. Did you notice my son was on Dre's lap?--I wonder where I was?--I think all the soul girls e.g., Badu, India, the missing Hill, Scott, Floetry ect. said good evening to Grammy. What do you think? Hillarious.

So, this weekend was Phenomenal! I'm still speechless! It's funny that Lamentations originally didn't want to go to Colours. I thought my chances of seeing Ailey were long gone! We actually went to 708 on a Saturday night. You and Lamentations were actually part of a double date. The list goes On&On...

I had such a great time. You are truly my friend, and I love you. The reads were so festive. My personal fave was: You know Nessa, I can't think of any of your works to compliment you on! That was such an ovah read!

So, I really want you to let it flow. I won't go into a diatribe of how bitchie you can be--which you know to be true--but, help us out, and try to allow sober Whits to meet 3-4 cocktails Whits--more often. No shade.

Expand your horizons as it pertains to distance friendships. TheDancer's certainly worth the thought; festive, professional, great energy, killer body, great spirit, and most important, he's nice.

So I still need the nasty slutty teas! Talk to ya later...

xoxo,
nessa/e.badu/SojTruth.

SoJ Truth,

Sup...when you called me yesterday I had just completed another timely discussion with Ol'Piece about his crazy ways. He had just spent the night and mid afternoon with me laying up in my bed NAKED (cause he was HOT!?) and adamantly refusing to have any sexual relations. Huh!? Why dost thou tempt me!? Fighting over sex...and not even REAL sex (i just wanted to kiss and a lil oral/jack off action) is gettin on my LAST nerve. So we parted ways again...not speaking!

Grammys
I really enjoyed the funk medley. It was educational to let people know Outkast didn't just appear out of nowhere like some have believed. That style/genre has been around way before "Hey Ya!" It has just been fused a lil differently with some Southern Comfort in way that wasn't seen when the West coast, namely Dr. Dre and Snoop, tried to funk it out.

Yoko Ono - snatched!

.50 - needs to get over himself

Mary - has a new fur line out so this winter she has really advertised her ass off. the canary tinted fur may have been a lil too much...but for JZ's Madison Square Garden concert she had on one ol' chocolate fur poncho! and good evening!

Beyonce' - Flawless from the Prince duet to the framed portrait...When Doves Cry...

JT - he did that same performance on Ellen...minus the trumpeter...I was impressed then. I like that "band style" performance on him better than the choreography and dancers.

E. Badu - she was there with that big ass Afro wig on in the audience. At one point she was holding Sevyn (it is ridiculous how he looks just like his Mama). I think she had them damn platinum fronts in her mouth too. I think I might be more apt to liking afrocentric eclectic Erykah than black panther radical Erykah. Hmmm...let me think on it.

Weekend
I enjoyed this past weekend too. Mesmerizing! We saw Ailey. We met Ailey and B-way dancers. Wow! I certainly am open to befriending TheDancer. He's so sweet. We didn't fuck, as I know you assumed. We were tired and it was 7ish in the morning. We kissed, sucked each other's cocks (I know you hate when I say that...lol), and hunched. I ate his cakes while his body was contortioned into something that rivaled Cirque du Soleil. Then we got my Suave-Baby Powder fresh lotion and jacked off. I was on my back and told him to skeet skeet all over my chest. And that's what happened. Those are the "nasty slutty teas."

Any questions?

Whits/Mary/Bitch

Black History Month

Despite "Nipplegate" and the "Bra ha ha" of last Sunday, I've learned that television still is modern society's necessary evil. And it is that time of the year when most of the networks and cable stations pay tribute to African Americans in their own special way.

I viewed the second half of America: Beyond the Color Line with Henry Louis Gates, Jr. last night. I found it to be frustratingly realistic at times. A thirteen year old was making $700 a day slinging drugs in Chicago...and we wonder why he didn't want to go to school!? The message I got: Young black men must learn to delay gratification for education. Part II airs tonight.

I also saw VH1 Goes Inside: Barbershop. It was a surprisingly well produced feature discussing all of the controversy surrounding the film with insider interviews with the cast and crew.

Then VH1 kept me at attention with the Fabulous Life of Lil Kim. For some reason gluttony and materialism is fun to watch. I continued to think about how many bills I could have paid off as each of her toy dogs' minks were displayed across the screen. It also made me think back to America: Beyond the Color Line because those flashy Hip Hop images are what black kids are striving for without realizing that true success is significance not Gucci or Bentley.

I then went back to PBS and caught James Baldwin: The Price of a Ticket. This documentary was an in depth account of the life and activism of a man that was ahead of his time. It also gave a glimpse into what it was like being black and gay at that time. It was quite interesting to see footage of him and his friends in the South of France carrying on and then to hear their emotional tributes on the day that Jimmie died.

Finally, I flipped back to TV ONE to catch 227 in syndication. Ain't nothing like Mary, Rose, Saundra, and Pearl reading each other on that stoop.

I can't wait to get home and see what's on TV tonight.

Wait a Minute--Ray J

How long should two people date before beginning a relationship? Does the fact that I am posing the question give me my answer? I have been going back and forth with this issue for a while now...to no avail.

After an intoxicating night at Club Colours on Friday, "Last Call" was finally announced. The DJ played Alicia's "You Don't Know My Name" as a wind down. And Ol' Piece approached me.

Ol' Piece: I'm leaving.
Me: Okay
He looks away but still stands in front of me.
Me: Umm...Do you want me to walk you out?
Ol' Piece: Yes
I follow him to his car. It's approximately 42 degrees outside with a slight breeze.
Me: It's cold.
We get into his car.
Ol' Piece: You feeling your cocktail, huh?
Me: What!?
Ol' Piece: You act different when you drink.
Me: You were watching me?
Ol' Piece: Yeah, I knew where you were at all times.
I began to remember all of the people I talked to...all of the dances I had.
Me: (laughter) You want me to be your boyfriend?
Ol' Piece: Yes
Me: (laughter...then a kiss)

Since that night, Ol' Piece and I have had numerous conversations about whether or not we should take it to the next level. I don't think that I'm ready. It's only been two and a half months since my last perilous relationship. And Ol' Piece and I are still within a power struggle, which is working my last nerve! He says my mouth can be viscious and venomous. He's right. It's due, in part, to what I had to deal with with TheEx. However, I see that he's being as patient as possible. We both have quite a few issues that need to be worked out. But for now, I can only hope that he be steadfast and unmovable until I am ready to let him in.

Eating habits...

Breakfast
I'm driving and checking voicemail while sipping on fruit punch on my way to work.

Claire from SprintPCS: You have two new messages. First new message:
Gianni: Yeah...Where are you? I've just checked into my hotel. About to have breakfast and then stop by a trunk show at Versace in South Beach. Call it!

Why is one of my best friends on an abrupt vacation in Miami with a mystery man!? Scandalous!? This leaves me to hold it down in Atlanta all by myself this weekend. What am I gon' do!?

Lunch
I am on my cellphone with Ol' Piece as I walk in the door of Dusty's Barbecue. Three Asian guys (one with cornrows) and a black guy are seated near the "To Go Orders" counter and they hold strong eye contact as I approach them and the waiter behind the register. I know my 6'4, 175lb frame dressed in a vintage Camel jacket and Diesel jeans carries a bit of a presence with it. But, being gay, I've also learned to hold stares out of the need to know what the other person (people) are giving. Is it time for me to buck up and dare a bitch to get on my level? Or is it simply nature's force of attraction--gaydar? I held my stare as long as I could until I was at the service counter. It would have required me to walk backwards if I wanted to remain at attention. And that wouldn't have been too cute. So, I do all of this while continuing a conversation on my cell phone. Then I get to the counter and place my order. I can feel all eight eyeballs piercing my latissimus dorsi. I attempt to manage three conversations simultaneously (Ol' Piece, Waiter, Table of Four).

Me to Ol' Piece: Hold on.
Me to Waiter: Can I get a shredded pork sandwich with fries and a large Coke?
Me to Ol' Piece: I really don't feel I owe you any obligation into telling you of my whereabouts last night.
Table of Four: incomprehensible chatter...Yeah he's gay. His shoes match his jacket. more incomprehensible chatter

I turn around (cell phone to ear) and face the table while making full eye contact. Their conversation ceases. They begin to talk amongst themselves as their food arrives. I walk to the adjacent table in front of them and take a seat to wait on my "To Go" order. I discreetly observe their demeanor and conclude that they're probably straight and simply making commentary just as I do when I'm with my friends. No need to go all Stonewall!! However, this is the attention that I love.

Dinner
I am going home to watch Oprah's Birthday Bash for the fourth time. I will hold up a glass and toast along with John Travolta and Gayle King. I will sit there with whatever fast food I pick up (probably Popeyes) on my way home and celebrate again and again and again. Happy Birthday, Oprah!

I'm a Punk under pressure...Put dat money on the dresser!--Katey Red

Back in 1996, I moved from Atlanta to New Orleans for undergrad and became addicted to New Orleans BOUNCE music. It was totally different from the booty shake that I had profusely sweated to at every junior high afterschool dance and then once again at Junior/Senior Prom. This new phenomenon contained chants, call and response, and strict choreography for most of the cuts. I definitely remember my "What the f*ck!?!" moments at every Greek party or club I visited. People were lined up on the floor dancing, i.e. "wobbling, titty bopping, monkeying on a stick" in total syncopation to the rhythm of the music. So, of course after about 6 months, I was hooked. This was also the same time at which Master P and No Limit blew up. So as a newfound New Orleans resident, I immersed myself in the musical stylings within the local scene. And it didn't hurt that Mercedes and Kane and Abel were fellow (former) students at the time.

One of the most gagging moments of my college days was an exciting revelation about one of New Orleans most popular local artists. With BOUNCE music, the beat typically drove the song for me. I was definitely conscious of a voice spitting lyrics, however I seldom took the opportunity to comprehend those lyrics. They were simply phrases serving as musical accompaniment.

Katey Red is a dick sucka//Katey Red is a dick sucka
Um a ho, I know um a ho//Um a ho, I know um a ho

I remember stopping and thinking about what my mouth was saying while my body was bouncing from side to side. This girl sure is nasty!? Then, after careful analysis of that particular song and a subsequent follow up, the epiphanic moment hit.

Katey Red is transgender.

So as I reminisced on that moment, I decided to investigate more. I was surprised to see Katey referenced in so many articles and websites around the world. Kudos!

Check out this BOUNCE music documentary film coming soon featuring Katey Red.

This is just a test!

Bernie and Ronn took a pop quiz...

1. Do you expect to receive a Valentine's Day wish from someone special this year?
No...not really. F*ck St. Valentine!! Great expectations create major disappointment. Not really my type of holiday anyway.

2. What is the biggest fib you've ever put on a resume?
Never that...would HATE to be exposed and/or fired for something like that. You know your coworkers would talk about you for life. And what would I tell my Mama? Plus, I have worked for a world famous soft drink company who has pulled people out of training to get "clarifications" on resumes and applications.

3. Are you generally optimistic or pessimistic about your financial future in 2004?
Definitely optimistic. Currently cleaning up my credit and eliminating superfluous spending as I type this. However, as soon as I consider student loans pessimism finds her way back into my life.

4. Which of the following would you most like to be, and why:
a. A famous artist or entertainer
b. A world class athlete
c. A wealthy business owner.
d. An influential politician or community leader
D, as an influential politician or community leader I can expect to have some sense of fame like A and wealth like C. Athleticism is limited to youth.

5. Have you ever engaged in a sexual act (including masturbation) at a place where you worked?
Never that...time will tell though. I'm discreetly open to it.

6. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? How many and where?
4 piercings...3 in ears and one in the tongue. Rarely do I wear any of them anymore. It was just a phase! Please forgive me!

7. What did you eat the last time you had a late night hunger craving?
A left over fried chicken thigh with crimson Louisiana hot sauce dripping ever so delicately.

8. Do you know for whom you'll be voting for president, either in a primary or the general election?
Nope...I've only been lazily reading liberal political blogs, listening to Tavis, Bill Maher, and the occasional CNN or FoxNews report to make an educated decision.

9. The Super Bowl is this weekend. Will you watch for the game, the halftime show or the commercials?
I will be watching for Beyonce's rendition of the National Anthem and Janet Jackson's half time performance only. That sounds SO gay!? I could seriously careless about the game. I will look for a party or go to ESPN Zone for the hype though.

10. If either were to come your way today, which would be more welcome; a check for $200 or two hours of hot, sweaty, butt nekkid sex?
$200 fo sho!! I can get "hot, sweaty, butt nekkid sex" easily!

Let Freedom Ring!

The Fab Ones (TheMost, Gianni, TheScroller and myself) enjoyed quite a festive weekend celebrating and honoring the good Reverend Doctor two weekends ago. It became quite overwhelming at times.

Friday: From Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport to my apartment (Change Clothes...and Go...) to Club Colours in an hour and a half. Club was crazy packed. I got to meet TheMost's newest NYC friends who were also in town. Gianni acted suspiciously possessive of one of his pieces/dates who was in attendance as well. TheScroller met a cute Bronx boricua and disappeared into the night. I reaquainted myself with TheHobbit whom I met at a New Year's party in the Cascades. We kissed and exchanged numbers before leaving that night.

Saturday: The Fab Ones supported Gianni as he was the photographic model featured in the opening of an art exhibit at the Hammond House Galleries in the West End. I must go to more gallery openings featuring black art/artists. It's Bohemian rhapsody at it's best! From there we went to the Fulton Cotton Mill Lofts for a party in which The Ex was in attendance. Suffice it to say, we didn't stay there long. Plus the tacky and ignorant host was CHARGING for cocktails. Hmph!? Finally, we ended up at the B2B party at Spice. I ended up going home with TheHobbit for one ol' impromptu session.

Sunday: Brunch at IHOP. Then a stroll through Lil' 5 Points for phrase t-shirts, i.e. "Soul Brother" and two hours at the neighborhood Target store. (Change clothes...and Go...) Arrived at a jam packed Lion's Den. Ran into a FORMER friend who used to be a part of The Fab Ones, however it has been over two years since any of the current members have seen or wanted to hear from him. It's interesting to watch the non verbals of the guilty and defeated...arms folded...no eye contact...typical avoidance behavior. Karma is a muthaf*cka! And the silent presence of the surviving four has to be the deadliest weapon of revenge. There was no need for a brawl! We also saw Rah Digga kill it on stage and then Fire Marshall Bill shut it on down.

Monday: TheMost and I went to the King Center to pay homage and respect to the man that helped make it all possible.

How festive...

Whose Hip Hop is it anyway?

Here's an interesting article on the efforts of the Hip Hop Generation in keeping Dr. King's legacy alive. The web links are impressive and worthy of perusal.

On Hip Hop and Human Rights...

By: Tchaiko Omawale

Mainstream media loves Dr. King`s "I have a dream" speech. The desire to portray Dr. King as a "safe" pacifist Black man who simply wanted Blacks and Whites to come together is inaccurate. Dr. King also protested the Vietnam War and, in the "I have a dream" speech, spoke of police brutality, unjust imprisonment, and warned that "1963 is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual."

Decades later, it seems the nation has returned to business as usual. It might be argued that we have more Blacks in positions of power than ever before: in government, the private sector and especially with hip hop becoming a billion-dollar industry. However, for people of color in the U.S., police brutality is still a problem, schools are still largely segregated with sub-standard education levels, the prison population is exploding especially with non-violent offenders, and HIV/AIDS is ravaging the Black and Latino populations. Not only has the call for civil rights not been answered but the neglect of human rights has also come to the forefront of the injustices of this government.

Unfortunately, the older generation frequently sees the hip-hop generation as having reversed the gains of the civil rights movement. Publicly, the Sit-In generation has attacked figures in hip-hop music for using the "N" word and portraying negative images in the media. However, this is only a small section of the hip-hop generation, and even those being attacked deserve more respect and understanding, as the world we live in is far more complex than it was in the `60s. The hip-hop generation is neither resting nor tranquil. Instead, we are struggling to resist injustice in our own ways.

To constructively criticize the hip-hop generation, understanding the world we live in is essential. The world has shrunk with advances in the Internet and other communication tools. The current generation`s struggle is not as simple as Black and White getting along, or Blacks getting the same treatment as the few, rich White men in power, but is layered with issues around globalization, homophobia, sexism and an America that has become expert in hiding its injustices by using the very people it is racist and unjust towards. One example is seen in ads run in 2003 by the U.S. army in hip-hop Source magazine that attempted to recruit black teens. The army used hip-hop imagery to seem cool, to entice teens to fight for a country that has failed to secure their basic human right to education and health care and increasingly imprisons them for non-violent crimes of poverty.

Increased individualism is another consequence of our technological world; however, the struggle to survive and uplift community still remains as it did in the civil rights era. Consider commercial rapper Jay-Z, who says, "Truth be told … I wanna rhyme like Common Sense (But I did five Mil) … We as rappers must decide what`s most important and I can`t help the poor if I`m one of them. So I got rich and gave back. To me that`s the win, win." Jay-Z has chosen his own way of giving back, using money from his lyrics.

On the other side, you have rappers such as Dead Prez who advocate revolutionary actions reminiscent of the Black Panthers. Dead Prez are members of the National People`s Democratic Uhuru Movement and have participated in countless political events and panels. M1 of Dead Prez sits on the advisory board of a new organization called H2Ed a Hip Hop Education Program along with several other hip-hop figures such as Danny Hoch from the Hip Hop Theatre festival.

H2Ed uses hip-hop culture as a tool for educational reform. So while the music industry remains the focus of criticism, it should be known that there are scores of other youth who are struggling to uphold Dr. King`s message. Many young people who don`t have Jay-Z`s millions choose community-organizing as their way of giving back. The global village of this generation consists of identities beyond Black and White-Latino, immigrant, homosexual-and thus organizing platforms follow these multiple identities.

Youth-led Prison Moratorium Project has a multi-ethnic staff and is a part of the Drop the Rock Campaign, which fights to bring down the Rockefeller drug laws. The group`s grassroots collaborative work encouraged Russell Simmons to organize rappers such as Puffy, Jay-Z and Memphis Bleek to protest the unjust laws that disproportionately imprison Blacks and Latinos for non-violent offenses. Hip-hop music both "conscious" and "commercial" is used to empower and educate other young people.

This generation has also produced a mighty force of justice fighters for non-traditional issues in non-traditional ways. Caushun, the first openly gay rapper, courageously rhymes about his sexuality. HIV/AIDS is the number-one killer among certain demographics in the Black and Latino community. In the world, it is the modern-day plague. AIDS specialists cite homophobia as one of the factors involved in the epidemic and Caushun`s sexual openness is revolutionary in these times.

Highlighting the positive actions of the hip-hop generation is in no way an attempt to portray us as being perfect. There is room for improvement, and contradictions do exist in our movement. It's important to understand that the act of recognizing these contradictions in a non-judgmental way is freeing, and an analysis of this contradiction is progressive and political. The goal for the hip-hop and the Sit-In generation, whose legacy we do uphold, should be respectful discussions, outside of the courtrooms, because we have much to learn from each other. And as the old cliché goes, united we stand and divided we fall.

For more information on Youth activists check out the Future 500 website.

Tchaiko Omawale, a recent recipient of the Gaea Sea Residency Fellowship for artists working for social change, is the Creative Director and Co-Founder of the Conscious Movements Collective. She has also produced the short narrative film His/herstory on polygamy in Atlanta, which is now featured in several national and international film festivals.

In a State of 'Embogglement'...

I can't believe it's Thursday already! The Fab Ones (myself and three bestfriends) will all be together for King Weekend or Black Gay Pride II as it has been deemed. Nevertheless, I'll be hosting. Tomorrow night TheMost (formerly TSB) flies in from NYC and TheScroller will be touching down from New Orleans. Gianni and I, the ATL locals, will be the tour guides. I will have to formulate an itinerary, clean up, buy groceries, go to the liquor store and do all of the other hosting duties at the last minute. BOGGLED!!!

I printed out the "How-To" manual to begin the web hosting project. I could take the simpler route and use one of the wackass templates that the site provides...but for that I might as well keep this BlogSpot. Or I could enlist help and get a big league, major playa, first round draft site! I'm thinking I need HELP! BOGGLED!!!

I am fortunate enough to say that I have a really good boss. I think of him as one of my mentors. When I've had the young professional jitters, supervisory squabbles, etc. he has had my back. He sincerely looks out for my best interest. I've gained a wealth of on-the-job training from him. We both met yesterday and he told me that I had been awarded a raise! Yeah baby!--Austin Powers It was promised and expected a while back so I was actually just being informed that it all has been processed with HR. However, today at a staff meeting he announced that he was relocating to Kentucky for a Professorship. It turns out that Wifey thought Atlanta was too urban. Huh!? BOGGLED!!!

Ol' Piece is going to New Orleans for a Volleyball Tournament this weekend. BOGGLED!!!

I will survive!

Like Oprah, I am taking ownership of my name...

I have decided to start my own website...or do I mean "web host?" I don't know!? I am new to this ish! (Thanks Donald for the info on 1 and 1.)

I have now spent the last 2 hours or so on the 1 and 1 website trying to figure out what to do. Help me, Jesus! I WILL figure all of this out! This, I swear!

All the Wiser...

I got all four of my Wisdom Teeth out on Friday. Everyone that I informed prior to surgery belittled the experience. Oh, you'll be alright. It'll heal in about 4-5 days. It's not that bad! F*ck that!! It has been a rough 5 days!!

I should have known when I floated out of the operating chair towards Ol' Piece's arms in a spectacular state of euphoria that there was an opposing physical state lurking right behind happiness. Out of anticipation and fear, we rushed to CVS to get my Hydrocodone prescription filled. By the time I had gotten a smoothie, my face was disfigured and the numbness was disapating. All I know is that it took 2 Advils and 3 Hydrocodone to get me to some form of sanity that night and each day has been a challenge ever since.

I am also surprised that Ol' Piece actually opted to "take care" of me during the recuperation. It gave us an opportunity to REALLY get to know one another. I have self-proclaimed myself as NOT being a "phone-person," (I hate talking on the phone with people I don't know very well. It's awkward.) so I was relieved at the opportunity of us being in one another's presence...talking. In hindsight, it was sort of like a retreat. Just the two of us. Alone. Not going out for entertainment. Creating our own. I think the most important aspect was that none of the time spent together included Sex. That would have ruined the dynamics. It was great, minus the discomfort of the surgery. I would actually recommend and probably try this tactic again in the future. I think I got a lot of issues resolved and questions answered. (Or did I!?)

WAIT...lemme preface this...

I admit that I have my OWN issues with power and control in relationships. And those issues extend into different arenas within the relationship, e.g. sex. Being the bag lady that I hate to be, I have always in the past struggled to get to a state of compromise with the men that I am attracted to over all of this. I am attracted to men who are SO similar to myself that I have a hard time diciphering who is going to get to be me. And of my friends, I seem to be the only one who goes through this issue. For them it tends to be cut and dry...I play this role...they play that role when it comes to the men that they date. But due to my versatility and attraction to such, there is always this "game" being played initially in order to figure one another out. Maybe it's just me playing the game!? I don't know!? Sometimes I feel really crazy when I try to rationalize dysfunctionality.

Back to the story...

Ol' Piece may or may not be a "top." I didn't ask. It would have been rude and irrelevant. However, we had an interesting conversation about the value of sex as an Idea and the value of sex as an Act.

Sex as an Idea:
Ol' Piece - the idea of sex is so important that after four failed relationships due to the partners' infidelity and then giving himself to Hedonism through his recent Summer Sex-capade, he has decided to abstain from sex until he is in a relationship.

Me - the idea of sex is so important that I don't put much emphasis or value in it. To do that would diminish it's beauty. If I decide to abstain (and sometimes I do) that is okay. If I decide to put myself out there and enjoy a taste (and indeed I do) that is okay as well.

Sex as an Act:
Ol' Piece - the act of sex is not that important. It is simple. You just do it. "I don't like too much foreplay."

Me - the act of sex is very important. It is another form of communication. How we do it communicates way more than any word could possibly do. Each embrace, each thrust, every moan, and every quiver.

Interesting...to say the least. I really enjoy getting to know him. We're always agreeing to disagree. But that's okay.

Movies we watched:

Gosford Park
Love Liza
Jeepers Creepers 2
Iron Ladies
Igby Goes Down